Are you lonely? Do the women in your town, county, state, and country not do it for you? Then maybe you should become a giant laughingstock and go shopping for a bride! The Internet Age has given sad, middle-aged bachelors unparalleled access to lovely ladies who are pining for a man to sweep them off their feet, and then blow out an ACL because she’s the heaviest thing they’ve lifted since High School.
But where to start? At last count, hundreds of websites list hundreds of thousands of single women from all over the Third World, all of them eager to marry a Western man for one reason or another. You can’t just look all willy-nilly and expect to just stumble upon your soulmate; you need a game plan. Luckily, we’re here to help you find one.
Vietnam has long been the focus of Western attention, which only increased when American soldiers discovered the elegant beauty, and refined manners, of Vietnamese women. Interracial marriage became common during the War there, which gave life to the Viet-gal stereotype of being beautiful, delicate and exotic. These stereotypes often come to mind when men contemplate finding an Asian bride. Reality might hit them squarely in the face when they discover that most Viet-gals actually have no interest in loving Americans long time. Of course, some mail-order bride sites still play up this fantasy for the sake of business.
Exoticism ranking: The newness of the market attracts those who are tired of well-established places, such as the Philippines and Thailand. This, coupled with conventional Asian features, puts Vietnamese ladies high on the exotic scale.
Ease of access: The downside of novelty is lack of development, so Vietnam is still learning the ropes in the mail-order bride business. Most girls languish in the countryside, with poor transport infrastructure and restricted access to the online world. As a result, there are many other countries that rule the mail-order bride business far harder.
Brazilian women are as diverse as the country they live in. It helps the mail-order market that Brazil constantly throws out images of beautiful, wiggly women for eyes to feast on. Finding comfortable stereotypes is what draws in first-time bride-seekers, which helps make Brazil a relatively popular mail-order nation.
In addition, many ex-pats living down there often say that Catholicism has a weak hold on Brazilian society, and so the women tend to be freer about whom they might wed. The flip side to this, from the Western bride-seeker point of view, is that Brazilian ladies tend to be fiercely independent, so while they support their traditional family role, they will not tolerate a sour relationship for long.
Exoticism ranking: Brazil is easily the most ethnically mixed country in South America, a flavor that draws many bride-seekers. You’ve got white, Latino, African, Indian, and a veritable host of European nations. The means high marks on the exoticism scale, unless the bride-seeker is an ethnic purist.
Ease of access: Any foreign language other than Spanish is barely spoken, which is bad for Western bride-seekers. Also, the online matchmaking industry is more interested in the other countries on this list. On the whole, the negatives outweigh the positives for Brazilian ladies, so this Amazon nation must stay on the bottom rungs of this list.
For those Western bride-seekers wanting the classic Asian beauty, China is the place they go, as there’s little interracial mingling here. However, while China dolls have the stereotypical look many men dream about, their behavior and attitudes usually fall short of the ideal. In fact, far from the retiring, submissive stereotype of lore, Chinese ladies are typically aggressive yet respectful. This is the trade-off.
Also, the websites and movies don’t often tell you that the parochial nature of Chinese culture means that most ladies have never left their native country. Therefore, they tend to be less worldly, and know few foreign languages. The challenge to acclimate them to a new life abroad might be too big a job for some Western men.
Nevertheless, unlike in South Korea or Japan, marrying a white man will offer a Chinese lady a measure of prestige in her family. So, there’s that.
Exoticism ranking: For those with an Asian fetish, China dolls stand high on the pedestal.
Ease of access: A half century of godless communism has broken down many of the cultural restrictions on interracial marriage and shyness. China is not closed to foreign interaction, in principal. It is the language barrier and limited online visibility that complicates matters.
Heavy emigration to the West after WWII resulted in large Indian communities being created in the cold northern climes, yet all government and academic studies state that these India-towns were less conducive to full integration in the host country, and so they retain many of their own traditions. Among these traditions is the arranged marriage. Some fools mistake this ancient matchmaking scheme for the modern mail-order bride industry, but the main difference lies in the broker. With arranged marriages, parents or community elders match the young ‘uns; with mail-order brides, an independent broker finds who the man wants. Still, the similarities are there, and if you are willing to move out to the country and befriend the parents of your beloved, they can probably make things happen.
Exoticism ranking: The exotic scale is hard to calculate for India. On the one hand, if the bride-seeker is white, the ranking is high, but there are not many of those. On the other hand, if he looks little different from the potential life-mate, the ranking hits zero. Yes, India has many regions with women of many different features but, to the untrained eye, the shades are negligible.
Ease of access: Again, this depends on who is doing the searching. Arranged marriage matchmakers have the inside track, and most mail-order bride websites cater to this immensely lucrative market. For the average white guy in Des Moines sitting in his office cubicle, hoping that the boss won’t see the strange colorful Devanagari text radiating from his computer, not so much. Unless they’re willing to relocate.
High poverty levels, great numbers of single ladies, and said ladies’ raw beauty, make Thailand an attractive market. Also, their belief in the social superiority of people with light skin — the paler the better — can only help mail-order customers in the long run. Thai people on the whole are darker-skinned than those of European descent, so the average Western man receives an automatic advantage. Score one for the pasty basement-dweller!
However, what keeps Thai ladies in the middle of the mail-order pack is the raft of negative traits. The bottom line is that Thai girls do not have a good reputation as a spouse. If Internet-based testimony is anything to go by (and when is it not?), they are among the least trustworthy of all mail-order bride ethnicities. The most common complaints are that they are unworldly, which makes conversation a rather dull affair.
In addition, most searchers of foreign brides are looking for those with a maternal instinct, and this is where Thai ladies fail worst of all. They might doll themselves up to the nines, but raising children and maintaining a decent household sit low on their priorities. As a result, the divorce rate for Thai mail-order brides is above average, which is almost as bad as a high divorce rate for marriages based on love.
Exoticism ranking: All indicators point to “high.”
Ease of access: It’s so, so easy. Western men – especially the sad, sleazy, farty kind – flock there by the bucketload, despite more than a few stories of Thai women being the inspiration behind Aerosmith’s “Dude Looks Like A Lady.”
This brand new state in Eastern Europe is already famous for its beautiful women. A number of obvious factors put Ukrainian mail-order brides, or “Oksanas” in the top half of this list. They have high levels of education — meaning they can actually carry on a conversation, understand foreign languages and find a job in their new land. Also, they are not shy about getting out and doing something with their lives. This was the land of the fierce Cossacks, after all, where all the men when to war and the women had to do everything else.
So, with all that behind them, Ukrainian ladies have not been shy about accessing the mail-order bride industry online, and creating one of the world’s largest lady markets. The paradigm-shattering realization that Eastern European women were not unibrow chubsters, coupled with the collapse of the Iron Curtain, resulted in a flood of men pouring through the doors of their brand-new candy shop. Their many “romance” parties don’t hurt, either. Oksanas are not shy or retiring, so such parties are known to draw large numbers of ladies, whether they are looking for a spouse or not!
Exoticism ranking: Not so high, since Oksanas look no different from Western European girls. However, that slick and sensual Slavic accent can send chills down any bride-seeker’s spine.
Ease of access: Close proximity to Europe and the Middle East make Ukraine one of the easiest bride markets to access, plus Ukrainians’ intense desire for novelty, and thirst for language, makes this county one of the most open on this list.
4. Dominican Republic
The only Caribbean country on the list, the Dominican Republic also has the smallest number of women available, at just 2 million. They also have better economic opportunities relative to the others, meaning if you’re a lonely and pathetic loser out to find a foreigner to be your bride, you’re really gonna have to impress.
If you can though, it’ll be worth it. Dominican women have a reputation as fantastic cooks and hard workers. Also, local sources say that they are mostly humble and submissive, which are major sources of attraction for many Western bride-seekers, who often quiet and retiring (or just old and domineering) themselves. Sounds like a match made in Heaven!
Plus, Dominican men are not highly sought after, because they reportedly tend to be poorer and less ambitious than Western men, not especially faithful, and on the whole are more physically abusive to their spouses. So if any of that sounds like you, try to stop doing that before wooing a Dominican girl.
Exoticism ranking: While Dominican girls are among the most beautiful in the Caribbean, on the exotic scale they earn a middle ranking for American men, since they are mostly African, and a high ranking for all other pasty white countries.
Ease of access: Dominican society has almost no taboos regarding interracial couplings or approaching womenfolk, making access easy. Plus, regular flights to and from the US, developed tourism infrastructure, and compact territory makes the Dominican Republic very inviting.
The women of Colombia have steadily risen in the ranks of the mail-order bride industry in recent years. Back the ‘80s, drug cartels and communist insurgency made this country too hairy for the average bride-seeker, but now that that’s all been taken care of, the ladies are coming out of hiding to find their true love. That’s the theory, anyway.
Colombia tops the list of South American countries, because the senoritas possess a special reputation for sultriness, having the slinkiest dance moves around, and sporting hips that don’t lie. Also, since the drug wars and jungle fighting killed off (or imprisoned) many Colombian men, the competition for husbands is fiercer there than anywhere else in Latin America. In addition, little stigma is attached to age differences between spouses, so flabby old white guys have an easier time finding a young spicy Latina here than elsewhere.
Also, Colombian men are considered rubbish by their own lovely ladies. Infidelity is rampant and, combined with Catholic restrictions on contraception, this means a whole lot of young and single mothers are looking for financial security. If you’re in the market for a mail-order kid as well, this here’s your country!
Exoticism ranking: If the bride-seeker is from the US, not so much, since Colombian senoritas are much more Latin than Brazilian girls. Europeans and Australians, however, will see something mysterious in them.
Ease of access: Colombia is really far away, and good luck getting your local airport to fly you there. Add this to the language issues, and bride-seekers see a door only half-open.
2. The Philippines
One thing that distinguishes Filipina women from other Asian women is that they are, by far, the most-traveled gals around. Overseas employment is a veritable institution in the Philippines, making it emotionally easier for girls to leave the family nest. Most become domestic workers, and so they have an ease of interaction with foreigners.
Although the divorce rate is rather low in the Philippines, poverty rates are high, and so a foreign man is seen as reasonable way to get a good roof over her head. Plus, by their own admission, Filipina girls like white men. It is a status thing, and there is nothing the local guys can do about it. A recent study revealed that 70% of Filipina believe American men are thoughtful and kind, whereas Filipino men are considered cruel and unfaithful. Thank God, this means they haven’t been watching our reality shows.
Exoticism ranking: Honestly, it’s tough to judge. The ubiquity of the Filipina woman in the Western world, coupled with their immense online presence, does dull the senses. However, their mix of Polynesian and classic Asian feature make Filipina ladies unique. So, let’s be lazy and set them firmly in the middle of the scale.
Ease of access: Filipino culture is one of the most open in all of Asia. Families are tight-knit to be sure, but few taboos exist about personal expression in public places. In other words, Filipina girls are easy to meet. And since the country was occupied by the US for the longest time, English is a commonly-spoken language, and flights are frequent.
Almost every aspect of Russia is dripping with matrimonial gold. More than 500 mail-order sites display over 60,000 Russian women at any given time, which is just about the highest rate of them all. Five of the top ten visited mail-order bride sites feature “Natashas.” Combining all that with the ladies’ Internet savvy, the well of Russian women appears bottomless.
Of all the countries on this list, the women of Russia are the most educated, which means they are more likely to know foreign languages, understand other cultures, have greater job prospects, and can talk about subjects other than cooking and sex. Speaking of sex, the old conservative religious cultures, and close village living, have long been replaced with a vague moral code that results in very little conscience about sex, or its consequences. So if regular sex is important in your mail-order marriage, you know where to go.
Russian men, as is so often the case, have a bad reputation among their own kind. In addition to having one of the highest alcoholism rates in the world, their own women accuse Russian men of chronic infidelity, and a propensity for domestic violence. To add insult to injury, the divorce rate is hovering at a whopping 80%, so Natashas have all the reasons in the world to try their luck somewhere else.
Exoticism ranking: The only aspect in which Natashas might rank low is exoticism. Place a Russian lady in a Western city and they tend to blend in quite well, aside from being overdressed and heavily made up. And slim. Of course, then they start to speak, and you suddenly want to marry them all.
Ease of access: Russia is one of the largest countries in the world, and it can be a pain in the ass to get from point A to point B. Moscow is far from anywhere, corruption is one of the worst in the world, and the bureaucracy remains a holdover from the command economy days. However, once the bride-seeker makes it to the inner sanctum of East Slavic femininity, that massive headache transforms into an ocean of transcendent beauty and sophistication. He couldn’t hope to get from some pretty single girl who has lived across the street from him for years, and who keeps waving and winking at him every time they lock eyes. Stupid American women.
Evan Ostryzniuk has a PhD from Cambridge University, and stopped trolling mail-order bride sites when he finally found his Ukrainian wife. For more about him and his writing, go to: www.evanostryzniuk.com