While women and doctors can insist that ‘size doesn’t matter’ ad infinitum, some guys still worry that they don’t measure up. In extreme cases, men can even be afflicted with an anxiety disorder called Small Penis Syndrome (mentalhelp.net).
Others operate under the erroneous belief that they can compensate for their perceived shortfall with a symbolic replacement. The bigger, the better because- in contrast to the source of this self-consciousness- when it comes to overcompensation, size really does matter:
10. The Big One
He holds it up for everyone to see with pride – he is hunter, he is primal, he is holding a fish that is several feet long. Too bad it’s limp… I guess that’s what happens when you catch something.
While some women might argue that it’s the size of a man’s cranium that makes him sexy, some men are more worried about the size of their crane. Don’t believe me? Well Wayne and Garth didn’t exclaim “Schwing!” for nothing – and comparisons to this equipment are definitely a compliment. Or, rather, a severe case of overcompensation, if you feel the need to pick up your date behind the wheel of one of these…
More accurately, the Schwing products are actually concrete pumps (the part that looks like a crane is actually a boom used to squirt the concrete great distances). The pump and boom are mounted on trucks that can be 42 feet long. If a lady notices you parked with with your boom down, make sure you mention they can extend up to 200 feet long when they are fully erect. “Schwing!” With that kind of reach, it’s no wonder that the companies’ slogan is “Always close to the customer.” How can you avoid them? I’m sure the fact that their competition’s name is Putzmeister helps out quite a bit as well.
Having equipment trouble? According to Schwing’s website you should “insist on a Schwing Certified Boom Inspection!” They advise that “boom inspections should include complete visual inspection of all structural areas” including “the main column and the turret.” They even have a handy form you can fill out if your boom needs servicing.
8. Love… I mean… Light Sabre
Most men can’t pass one of these at a toy store/electronics store/sci fi convention without waving it around a bit. It glows so that no one can miss it, perhaps foreshadowing the male of our species after a few more years of estrogen and some adjustments via evolution…
7. Big Long Snake
Many people are terrified of snakes and most of the people left over still think they are creepy. According to an article at National Geographic we can thank evolution for this common phobia because early mammals “who were good at identifying and recruiting defense responses to snakes have left more offspring than individuals with less efficient defense systems.”
Causing girls to run from the room screaming is probably not the reaction you are hoping for?
6. Hot Dog
The smaller the ears, the shorter the hair, the shorter the tail, and the more rippled the physique… in fact, the more the dog looks like a giant penis with four legs – the more likely the man hiding behind it is overcompensating for something…
5. Crotch Rocket
It’s made out of metal and goes really fast, so the rocket comparison makes a lot of sense. The crotch part is because of its location, obviously. Now I’ve never heard a guy refer to his, you know, as a crotch rocket – but I wouldn’t be surprised. It’s not a secret that men use their motorcycles to attract women and the bigger the chopper, the more likely you’re looking at some overcompensation transportation.
4. Big Shiny Dome
It makes sense that men who spend a lot of time building big strong muscles might be overcompensating for a weakness in some other area. If they also spend an excessive amount of time rubbing oil into those muscular appendages, beware. If they also shave and buff their head until they resemble a penis with ears- so that they are essentially using their head as a walking dilboard – be suspicious.
Consumerreports.org confirms that “bald men don’t have more testosterone than men with more hair,” so beware of false advertising: your meathead may be overcompensating because he’s worried that he has a cocktail wienie instead of a bologna pony.
You won’t always get applause and cheers when you play with your equipment, but if you’re a guitar player, there is at least a chance that this will happen. There is a reason why self-absorbed soloing on guitar is also called ‘wanking’ (onlineslangdictionary.com). If your guitar has 12 strings, bright sparkly paint, and is over-accessorized (and you can’t really play it) you may be using your axe to cut your feelings of inadequacy elsewhere.
2. Car or Truck
If it has four wheels, an engine, and a steering wheel there’s a guy out there who has used it to tell the world that his vehicle is ‘fully loaded.’ It might be a fast sports car, a semi trailer, or even a forklift. If it’s a truck with an extended cab, long bed, extra large tires, and a high rise truck cap, at least try to stop yourself from bringing an ‘objects may be closer than they appear’ sign to your next romantic encounter.
According to sexualtips.net the average size of the penis is shrinking due to increased exposure to estrogen. Years ago the average erect penis was 6.5 inches; a recent study reports 5.1 inches.
Maybe that’s why a whole lot of men like to carry big guns? You just have to type ‘man with big gun’ into Google to find out how prevalent this tactic is – 28,700,000 results in Google Images. But why? The last thing you want to hear from a date is ‘stop pointing that thing at me.’