A name that coincidentally describes what somebody does in the life is called an aptronym. So yes, this list is basically just making fun of people with weird, yet oddly suitable names. Hey, when you grow up with a name like Smallwood, sometimes you just need to turn those tables.
10. Christopher Michael Coke
Chris Coke or “Dudan” to his friends is a scary man. So scary, in fact, that the police couldn’t enter his domain without his consent. If you’re wondering why, then you clearly didn’t click that link. Lazy good for nothing. Also, it’s because Coke is a drug kingpin. Scary or no, it’s really hard to take a man seriously when his name literally describes what he sells. He’s like the Ronald McDonald of the drug world, if Ronald’s last name was Terminaldiabetes.
9. Nicholas Economides
Economides has a list of accolades longer than a giraffe’s genitals, all of which is rendered completely moot by the fact it’s impossible to read his biography without some kind of tongue enhancement surgery. The word economics is intertwined with Economides so many times, it makes you wonder if he became a economics experts purely to annoy people.
8. John Wisdom
With a fancy last name like Wisdom, it’s no surprise John’s parents gave him a no-nonsense, one-syllable name, to stop him from getting too full of himself. Then again, it probably didn’t go very well, since he grew up to be a philosopher of the mind. That’s a job title so fancy, I actually spent five minutes seeing if I could fashion a small top hat out of punctuation for it. I couldn’t.
7. Early Wynn
Early Wynn is one of the more famous people on this list, being a baseball Hall Of Famer and all. Wynn was no stranger to, well, winning. To get the full effect, imagine I said that last sentence while cocking my head and smiling like a tool. Wynn’s ability to kick metaphorical baseball-shaped asses should come as no surprise though, since he was notoriously terrifying, once claiming that he’d floor his own mother to win a game.
6. Anthony Weiner
I couldn’t leave this legend out. Even over here in Blighty, we had a slew of wiener/Weiner jokes, all so badly executed that North Korean prison guards blushed. Normally, I’d be above cracking wiener jokes on such a classy website, but may I remind you this list was written by a “Smallwood.” Karma is a cruel mistress.
5. Tod Slaughter
This isn’t exactly the name you’d expect for an actor. A heavy metal front man maybe, but an actor? Slaughter doesn’t anything to do with acting, unless you spent your life playing homicidal maniacs. Yes, Tod Slaughter was a man who spent his entire career portraying murderous psychopaths, most notoriously Sweeney Todd, the demon barber who slit people’s throats with a straight razor. So his name is a rare double aptronym: Johnny Depp ain’t got a thing on this guy.
4. Bob Rock
With a name like Robert Rock, you either need to become a porn star or a rocker; there are literally no other choices. Bob chose the latter, almost. He’s actually a hard rock producer, with more bands under his name than the Warped Tour poster.
3. Igor Judge
You know what job this man does already: he’s a judge. But judge is way too plain a title for a man with a name like Igor Freaking Judge (I refuse to believe that’s not his actual middle name.) His actual title used to be “Lord Chief Justice of England and Wales,” and he even held the title of “President of the Queen’s Bench Division,” which you’ll notice is probably the fanciest title one could have without the word “pimptastic” just being tacked right on. Keep on rocking Igor; the world needs more people like you.
2. Thomas Crapper
You’ve probably heard the story that Mr. Crapper invented the flush toilet, and his name was the reason to crap means to poop. The former is false, however, and the latter is contested. What Crapper actually did, was make the first truly high-quality crap receptacle, and he invented the ballcock. So if it wasn’t for punctuation, this entry would be 90% funny words. Pizazz. Fart. Poppycock. You’re welcome.
1. Sue Yoo
If you ever find yourself needing a lawyer, and you also love stifling laughter, you can totally find Sue Yoo on LinkedIn, and hire her. The world is a cruel place though and, very sadly, Sue Yoo was happily married over two years ago, because you know what, life’s not that awesome.