Top 10 Products for the Patriot Who Has Everything

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Every holiday has its share of chotsky (stuff we don’t need, but buy nonetheless, usually on an emotional whim) and Independence Day (July the 4th) is no exception. Below you will find a collection of gifts and trinkets that will have you singing Yankee Doodle Dandy and God Bless America in no time. Just remember, by the time Halloween rolls around you’ll probably be wondering where the heck your swanky American flag belt buckle ended up (ask your wife). Enjoy your holiday weekend this fourth of July and be safe.

10. Patriotic Yoga Dog T-shirt

I really don’t need to write anything humorous, the actual description is enough: “Show your puppy love. Put your pooch in his own cool doggie t-shirt from American Apparel. He’ll be the envy of all the pups in the park. Let him wear a doggie-cool design so he can express what he’d like to bark out loud. Do it up in doggie style!” I will add that I didn’t think you could read the phrase doggie-style in the description without smirking, and I was right. Dogs and Yoga, a natural fit.

9. Stars and Stripes Guitar-Shaped Belt-Buckle and Bottle Opener

This product, which can be yours for the low-low price of $15.99, is quite possibly the greatest patriotic item in the history of mankind. Are we exaggerating? Short answer: No. This is for the patriotic citizen who is looking to spend his Independence Day kicking ass and chewing bubblegum, but who suddenly finds himself lacking completely in bubble gum. Not only is this item rock n’ roll by its very shape — tell us you don’t think of Jimi Hendrix’s version of the Star Spangled Banner when you clock your eyes on to that — but it’s also an extremely versatile product. First it will help hold up your pants, and if you’re going to be cutting loose on the dance floor this Independence Day, that’s a mighty important thing. Two, you can open your beers on it. What’s more, you can make friends, and possibly win a future wife, by letting others open their beers on your belt. Of course, any bar where belt-buckles like this are the norm might be the kind of place where a broken nose and a fist-fight are part of the floor show. That is where it’s third use comes in: as a weapon. What better way to celebrate your country’s birthday then by leaving the impression of Ole’ Glory on some idiot’s forehead?

8. American Flag-themed rolling papers

While marijuana is still illegal under US federal law, several states have decriminalized in it. In California, you can get a medical permit to access enough of the stuff to make Snoop Dogg want to throw up from the smell. Celebrate the great freedoms in the US that only promise to get greater as the decriminalization of pot continues by sparking up an Independence Day joint that is the size of Shaq’s middle finger using these appropriately-themed rolling papers.

7. Budweiser American Eagle Beer-tap Handle

Frank Zappa once said “You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.” America’s beer (for now, until the takeover deal with Belgian mega-brewer Inbev goes through), and a surprisingly popular choice in Ireland where there is better beer (like Beamish) on offer, is Budweiser. We cannot trash talk this brew too too much as we have our own similarly shite beers in Canada, thank you Messers Molson and Labatt. This ornamental beer tap however can be put on any sort of brew and you can put a piece of masking tape over the Budweiser name. Drinking draft beer is about the most pleasantly patriotic thing we can think of doing, and what better way to do that then by tapping the symbol of American freedom, and the motif for many a bad tattoo, the bald eagle.

6. Story of the American Revolution Beer Stein

You’ve sat through hours of history class in school and made a concerted effort to forget what you were learning the moment it hit your ears. You watched the HBO John Adams miniseries and enjoyed it, but couldn’t reconcile one of your founding fathers being played by that guy from Sideways who slurped wine out of a McDonald’s super-sized cup. So how do you keep up with a conversation on patriotism and the American tradition on this auspicious day? By guzzling beer from one of these handsomely decorated beer steins. Running along the sides of the beer steins are four of the most important battles of the revolutionary war — the Battle of Bunker Hill, the Battle of Princeton, the Battles of Saratoga and the Siege of Yorktown. Remembering these four names and remarking, “Ah, it really gets to you when you think of the fine men who fought at [insert name of battle depending on position of stein at the time of utterance].” If you’re drinking with fellow patriots, and you are drinking in public (the latter unlikely unless you are the kind of guy who brings his own stein to the bar, in which case we salute you) someone may even by you a round.

5. US Military Pool Cue Set

Americans may not have invented the game of billiards, but they have certainly produced some of its finest champions, invariably dubbed ‘Fats’ and they most definitely have made the best movies on the sport — we’re talking “The Hustler”, not its inferior sequel which Martin Scorsese made to pay off creditors. The cues can be purchased separately and there is one each for the Army, Air Force, Marines, Navy, Coast Guard, and the U.S. Flag. This is the ideal way to support the troops on Independence Day, acknowledge the sacrifices made by past generations so that you could enjoy your present freedoms, and win 10 bucks by hustling some rube who thinks you can’t play worth a damn.

4. Stars and Stripes Nunchucks

If you party the way you should be partying on Independence Day, chances are the neighbors are going to get upset. Raising a ruckus and getting all the neighborhood dogs howling in unison is what freedom is all about. The perfect gift for the Independence Day partier who lives on the wrong side of the tracks, these slick-looking nun chucks will most certainly club the nearest beat cop investigating a disturbance into quick submission. They have “don’t tread on me” written all over them. It is recommended when rapping someone across the knees with these babies that you say something along the lines of “And that, came from the good ole’ U, S, of A”.

3. Old Glory Surgical Cap

While in revolutionary times, it’s unlikely to have been donned while lopping off a gangrenous limb, you can perform impromptu living room gallbladder removals or, if you’re actually a saw bones, atrial septal defect repair in the more sanitary confines of a surgical suite, while winking at the surgical nurses who’d no doubt delight in your youthful exuberance.

2. Stars & Stripes Guitar Pick Earrings

Have you ever been at a party where you’re asked to rock out on someone’s axe, and you demur with a ‘uh, I don’t have a pick?’ (or even a Mexican peso, famously played by Billy Gibbons of ZZ Top) Well, now you don’t have to empty out lint-riddled pockets with your very own, guitar pick earrings. Also works well with Hendrix, playing-guitar-behind-your-head impressions [for a quick tutorial, check out this portly fellow]

1. A Hat That Will Give you a Standing Ovation

This item speaks for itself, as does the pained expression on the model’s face, who looks like she’s being asked to ‘pull my finger’ rather than the string that makes the hands clap. Submitted by SharkGuys, check out their book , “The Man Who Scared a Shark to Death and Other True Tales of Drunken Debauchery”


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8 Comments

  1. the number 2 spot top 10 patriotic things for the person that has everything is another picture of the number 4 nunchucks un less earrings look the same as nunchucks haha lmao

  2. I'm gonna get that tap for some Sam Adams (brewer, patriot). I did a spit-take when I saw #4, but I'd turn #9 right-side up. Oh, yeah, I'm also considering a purchase of one Navy and two Marine pool cues for my brothers and me… If you don't like it, let me know and we'll come by to "discuss" it with you…

  3. By the way, I was half-surprised that this list didn't include crutches for Tom Brady (He's definitely a Patriot who has everything…)

  4. Number 3 is a welding cap they make alot more patriotic caps that are more insane then this one. Also patriotic welding helmets.

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