Celebrity life is often cocooned and sequestered from what is commonly referred to as ‘the real world.’ As such, celebrity memoirs can often have the effect of reading translated text from an alien race. The following list is of the celebrity memoirs that are the most disconnected, not only from reality, but from even their own public perception. You are encouraged to read every one of them and enjoy with the proper mindset.
10. Marlon Brando – Songs My Mother Taught Me
Marlon Brando once refused an Oscar for playing an Italian gangster based on Hollywood’s treatment of Native Americans. The woman who refused the Oscar for him Sacheen Littlefeather appeared nude in Playboy in October 1973. In the memoir Songs My Mother Taught Me, Brando obeyed the first rule of truly entertaining celebrity memoirs. Brando wrote every single crazy barely coherent strung together word all by himself. The reading public is left with a beautifully babbling stream of consciousness worthy of James Thurber or Brett Easton Ellis writing for Patrick Bateman. Brando relied completely on his own artistic vision. It just so happens that Brando was a dude with kaleidoscope eyes.
Amazon.com Review: Next to Gerald Ford’s brief and boring book published after his controversial presidency, Songs My Mother Taught Me is perhaps the most disappointing publication by a major public figure in the latter portion of the last century.
9. Hope Solo – Solo: A Memoir Of Hope
Here’s the deal. Hope Solo has absolutely no ability or inclination to stop complaining. She is a world class athlete and Olympian. This does not stop every word on every single page reading as if someone was scratching a chalkboard in front of your eyes. Solo spends pages upon pages talking about arguments that could only possibly matter to her. One would believe that if you were in the same room with Solo, you would be just reduced to nodding and praying that Solo would stop talking.
Amazon.com Review: This girl is a whining, narcissistic total bore who thinks she’s reinvented the game of soccer. Don’t waste your time with this unless you want to use it as an example for younger players on how NOT to act/speak as a professional. And what is her REAL problem with Brandy Chastain? I’m sensing some raging jealousy…
8. Bob Zmuda – Andy Kaufman Revealed! – Best Friend Tells All
Bob Zmuda falls into the classic trap of an emcee who is introducing the person everyone came to see. Zmuda honestly believes that he is every bit as interesting as the subject matter which is Andy Kaufman. If you want to read a brilliant dissection of Kaufman’s life, please find and read a copy of Bill Zehme’s Lost in The Funhouse. If you want to read a frat house mirror universe in which your side kick thinks he is the star, read Andy Kaufman Revealed! Best Friend Tells All.
I appreciate that Mr. Zmuda was Kaufman’s best friend and participated in many of Andy’s wildest escapades, but the intent behind this book seems more to be to take credit for much of Kaufman’s greatest bits, rather than a tribute to him.
The chapter titles should read like this:
Chapter One: Me
Chapter Two: Andy, Me, and Me
Chapter Three: Me, Me, Me and Kaufman
Chapter Four: Forget Kaufman, I’m the Genius Behind Him!
7. Diana Ross – Secrets of A Sparrow
In the pre-twitter universe, Diana Ross managed to do what must have made some public relations official want to hang themselves. Ross decided to speak her own mind about her life… in her own words. There is a distinct possibility that Marlon Brando was purposefully writing something horrible just to mess with people. There might have been a sense of dark humor to the whole thing. With Ross, you walk away with no sense of the same irony. A reader just cannot walk away thinking that Ross possesses that level of intelligence. Not only is Secrets of a Sparrow emphatically not I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings, the Secret everyone seems to have been hiding all of these years is that the Sparrow was not to be allowed to speak to anyone for any period of time…. Ever.
Amazon Review: I knew nothing about Diana Ross before I read this book and it’s made me positively hate the woman. She comes across as a self serving megalomaniac who lives in her own made-up dream world. She just LOVES herself, she’s awful. If she thinks people can’t see through the drivel of this book she’s even more thick than she comes across.
6. Missy Hyatt – First Lady of Wrestling
Every family has that aunt who ties one too many on at Thanksgiving and starts talking way too much about her own life. This book reads as if Hyatt got severely inebriated and someone simply turned the tape recorder on. They let talk long enough and kept her plied with Long Island Iced Teas until they had enough to transcribe into a novel. You would have to praise Hyatt’s ability to recall every single embarrassing detail of her overly stimulated life and her willingness to allow every last one of them to be seen in print.
Amazon Review: She makes it clear that she slept her way into her position as “First Lady of Wrestling.” I have to assume that that is how she also got this book published. Someone must have agreed to put it out and never even bothered to read it over because there are more grammatical errors than a first grader’s novel.
5. Jenny McCarthy – Jen-X: Jenny McCarthy’s Open Book
In a time before Jenny McCarthy had an autistic child and had made several confusing public statements, Jenny gave us Jen-X. When she wrote this, McCarthy was primarily known as being a Playmate of the Year for Playboy. The book that she delivered will leave you with the impression that she honestly believes you are curious about every detail of her life. There are two warnings here. First, McCarthy does not have any type of filter to her speech. Second, a disproportionate amount of her speech just happens to revolve around menstruation.
Amazon Review: The title should tell it all: Jen X. It should read Jen O because she is a negative integer. Take away those breasts, and she is just another annoying self serving celebrity with little talent. This book is a must read for airheads, retards, mutants and crackheads. Enjoy!
4. Dennis Rodman – Bad As I Want To Be
Dennis Rodman gets the joke. Rodman knows that without basketball you would not care anything about him. Rodman is absolutely right. However, since there is basketball, we now have this magical tome that combines basketball, that other physical activity that basketball players really like to do, and certifiably sadomasochistic fantasies. Bad As I Want To Be is a lot like Attack of the Killer Tomatoes. You don’t want to keep going. You just don’t really have any choice.
Amazon Review: First off, after looking at the cover of this book, you’ll find out that “Bad as I wanna be” doesn’t appeal to everyone. Why? Quite simply because the cover features Dennis Rodman nude on a motorcycle. I’d also like to include that, as if the cover weren’t enough, the back of the book features a picture of Rodman’s bare @$$ – uncensored.
3. Burgess Meredith – So Far, So Good : A Memoir
Burgess Meredith was a brilliant as well iconic actor. From the Penguin to Twilight Zone to Rocky to Grumpy Old Men, there were few that were better at their craft. None of that is in denial in any way. However, reading Meredith’s memoir will thoroughly convince you that the man suffered from an incurable priapism, a prolonged and painful erection that can last from several hours up to a few days, for at least three or four decades. Meredith was apparently almost constantly horny. Meredith was also not shy about talking about the women he was with. In a truly entertaining twist, Meredith was also willing to tell you about the women he desperately wanted and never got the chance to “seal the deal.”
Amazon Review: He is startlingly frank about his sexual development. As for women, he didn’t go for the pretty ones per se. What he valued in a woman was her muscular frame, and he tells us that he couldn’t control his erections when the ugly, yet superbly fit, games mistress showed the boys archery. In later life he had a thing for plain, strong women, due to imprinting rather strange. He also managed to score with some lookers, including Hedy Lamarr and Paulette Goddard, whom he married in a surprise wedding that still has people wondering, why, Paulette, why?
2. Shannen Doherty – Badass: A Hard-Earned Guide to Living Life with Style and (the Right) Attittude
There literally cannot be anyone in Shannen Doherty inner circle who has ever managed to tell her that she has had a bad idea. As such, she honestly believes that you should respect, love, and fear her. Doherty comes off as someone who can go off without a single moment’s notice. Everyone around her must walk on eggshells as to avoid another blow up. The good news? You do not have too. You can sit back in your own home and laugh at the ridiculousness of it all.
Amazon Review: I love Shannen Doherty but when I ordered this book I wasn’t looking for a self-help; which is what I got. I’ve never read the word ‘Badass’ so many times before in my entire life. This book was 250 pages of nothing but redundancy.
1. Burt Ward – Boy Wonder : My Life In Tights
There are a couple things about Burt Ward’s memoirs. First, once you start you will not be able to stop reading this book. Second, after you read this book, you will want to wash your eyes out with Clorox for having actually read it. These two facts are undeniable and not in dispute. Burt Ward successfully writes the memoir about a network star in the 1960s that one would imagine Bob Crane would have written (had he lived.) The result is a fascinating, lecherous, trivia filled account that will have you screaming “TMI! TMI!” at the top of your lungs after every chapter.
Amazon.com Review: He does tell us that he got laid a lot. Not as much detail is spent discussing the un-named companions though as tales as to how large his organ is, and how many orgasms he was able to bring them to on a regular basis.
Funny thing about the book. He never discusses any friends. Upon reading the book it is apparent as to why. It is hard to imagine him having any.