The title might be inaccurate, because if you’re anything like me then the more terrible the movie, the more I love it…when it comes to Lifetime Movies. Give me a bad soundtrack, overacting and horrible cinematography and I’m a happy camper. In other words, give me a Lifetime original movie.
Truthfully, though, many of these movies have redeeming qualities. I can’t quite remember what they are, but I’m certain they have them. In fact, most Lifetime Original Movies have a moral to the story…some wisdom to impart on the masses…so we can all learn and grow as people while we watch snippets of movies between ads for Target and Benefiber. Without further ado, here are the top ten worst Lifetime Movies:
10. Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life
He was a good kid who had it all…until he discovered adult movies. Or did they discover him? Either way, after the adult films he wasn’t such a good kid anymore. He became secretive and soon it became an addiction. Lucky for him his unsavory travels led him right to the hot but fast girl at his school (that’s one heck of a social networking story, folks) who intends to deflower him. Does he get deflowered? Does he disappoint his worried mother (played by Kelly Lynch, who has played some pretty sexy roles herself)? Do you really care?
9. Imaginary Playmate
See a clip from the movie. Dina Meyer (pretty Dizzy from Starship Troopers and of the Saw movies) marries a perfect hunky guy with an adorable little daughter. Her ideal view of life is shattered when she realizes that not only do her husband and little stepdaughter love their deceased wife/mother more than her, but that the aforementioned wife/mother is haunting them! Hunky husband man doesn’t believe her, even when the ghost lady makes her miscarry. Hunky but disheveled man friend believes her, and maybe (maybe, because we’re never told) THEY live happily ever after, since after the ghost lady tries to kill her daughter she presumably kills her husband, leaving stepmommy and daughter to…what? Be haunted by both of them? Move on with their lives? I guess it leaves it up to you, the viewer, to decide.
8. Baby For Sale
OK. Really bad title. The premise is interesting. The Johnsons are unable to conceive a child. Mrs. Johnson (Dana Delany) doesn’t feel great about the adoption process so she looks into buying a baby. Illegal? Yes. But (according to the movie) only a misdemeanor. They hook up with a Hungarian lawyer who finds them a little Hungarian baby and they are all ready to sign the bill of lading or whatever when all of the sudden…the price goes up! What? All of the sudden the Johnsons are stuck in an all-out bidding war for this black market Hungarian baby. On second thought, maybe this should have been number one…
7. A Face To Kill For
Come with me on this, because you’re going to be confused when you read the first part of number six. Allison (played by Crystal Bernard) is a horse (trainer? rider? jockey?) with a disfigured face. She has a creepy husband who frames her for a crime and she gets sent to prison for it. In prison she meets a friend who tells her to stand up for herself. She gets out of prison, gets all empowered and gets plastic surgery. Then she sets out to get even with the bad guy. As a side note, stay tuned for the upcoming list Top Ten Worst TV/Movie Crimes Committed By Stars of the Show Wings.
6. A Face To Die For
It should be a sequel, right? Nope. Emily is a poor disfigured-faced girl whose rat friends set her up for robbery. She goes to prison, and somehow manages to get some plastic surgery making her into the beautiful Emily, hell-bent on revenge and played by none other than Yasmine Bleeth. Costarring Robin Givens. Maybe based on the same book as A Face To Kill For. Certainly just as crappy.
5. A Killing Secret
High school sweethearts Nicole and Greg have a great and wholesome relationship…except for the fact that Greg meets up with a poor girl from the wrong side of the tracks for sex. Sex! In an abandoned shack, no less. Old Greg thinks he has it good until he meets his hovel ho for a romp and she tells him she’s (gasp!) pregnant! Oh no! That won’t do! The pregnant girl (played by Punky Brewster herself, Soliel Moon Frye) tells Greg she wants to keep the baby. Greg then does the only thing he can do. He kills her, wraps her body in plastic, and dumps it. Nice girl that she is, Greg’s girlfriend Nicole gets worried when she finds out a poor girl from school’s gone missing. She finds out Greg’s secret, and he tries to kill her before breaking down and having a big sissy crying fit.
4. I Do, But I Don’t
Denise Richards. Need we say more? OK. Denise Richards in a total ripoff of The Wedding Planner. Still need more? Denise Richards as a wedding planner’s assistant whose every move and thought is narrated by voice-over. Denise Richards as a wedding planner’s assistant who falls for who she thinks is the client’s GROOM (and still flirts with him anyway, even though she’s divorced from a mean husband and presumably really, really values the commitment of marriage) but it turns out that the guy (played by Dean Cain) is really the groom’s BROTHER. Totally predictable except for the characters hop in the sack at the first possible opportunity, and then have an excruciatingly drawn out sex scene to the tune of “The Way You Look Tonight” and grin maniacally at each other the whole time. Good times.
3. More Of Me
Oh please no. Molly Shannon and Stephen Weber (of Wings and Single White Female fame) star in this crapulent piece of work about an overworked mom who wishes incarnations of herself into being. The result is a Multiplicity (remember that movie with Michael Keaton? Yeah. Us either.) type romp with the other Molly Shannons wrecking even more havoc on her already out-of-control life. I read somewhere that Stephen Weber looked embarrassed to be in this movie, and then I remembered that he was willing to die from a stiletto heel in the eye, and as long as you’re known as the “death-by-stiletto” guy, you really shouldn’t be sanctimonious like that.
2. My Stepson, My Lover
Tell us you don’t really need to know more about this movie. What’s in a name? The basic plot: nice nurse falls in love with mean, mustached husband’s son. Mean mustached husband is played by Terry O’Quinn (Locke on Lost) and the hunky, lusty stepson is played by Joshua Morrow of Young and The Restless Fame. The nice nurse is played by British actress Rachel Ward (of the Thornbirds) who attempts a North Carolina accent with Mr. Higgins’ marbles presumably still in her mouth. Nursey is acquitted of her husband’s untimely demise, only to find out that loverboy killed his dad to have Nursey all to himself. Gee. That plotline sounds kind of familiar. Nursey finds out her boy toy is a murderous patriciding fiend and he, in a fit of rage, falls of a cliff. Thus Nursey is a rich widow with a poor invalid stepson who fill finally consent to buttoning his shirt all the way up. Fantastic.
1. Maternal Instincts
The funniest thing about this flick is that I didn’t know (and after some internet research realize that others had the same question) whether this was supposed to be real or a spoof. Tracy Horton, a woman desperate to have a baby. Turns out that she has cancer, and the only way to save her life is to give her a hysterectomy. She is, sadly, not awake for this decision so her husband and best friend make it for her. A shrieking and overacting Delta Burke plays Tracy who goes for vengeance, killing her husband, breaking pencils, and chasing her pregnant doctor around a boiler room with an enormous wrench. Bottom line is that Delta puts the “hysteria” into hysterectomy, and even though it ranked worst, it is the first Lifetime Original Movie I would recommend. So there.