50 Responses

  1. PastTime491 at |

    Good list, #1 is hilarious. I wish I was that witty. There are some great Mike Tyson quotes out there. In a press conference before Tyson was going to fight Lennox Lewis he proclaimed "Lennox Lewis I'm coming for you man. My style is impetuous. My defense is impregnable, and I'm just ferocious. I want your heart. I want to eat his children. Praise be to Allah!"

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    1. Me at |

      NOT

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  2. Terry Bigham at |

    Once Dorothy Parker and Claire Booth Luce, writer of the hit play "The Women", ran into each other. When Parker refused to step aside, Luce exclaimed "Age before beauty!" The unruffled Parker shot back "Pearls before swine!"

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  3. Gadfly22 at |

    Voltaire was discussing an acquaintance with a friend, praising him lavishly. The friend then told Voltaire that, unfortunately, the acquaintance had spoken disparagingly of Voltaire and his work. The pithy reply: "Perhaps we are both mistaken."

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  4. Paul at |

    I think a few of these are more like urban legends.

    Number 1 for sure

    http://www.snopes.com/military/reinwald.asp

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  5. Tanya Bennett at |

    What, no Dorothy Parker?

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  6. Steve at |

    My favorite Dorthy Parker story comes from when she was on her honeymoon. at the time, she had an editor who kept writing her letters, asking to see her work – so finally he asked something to the effect of "why haven't you given me any of your latest work?" – to which she retorted – "I've been to f–king busy … or vice versa"

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  7. Ali Hayat at |

    Number 2 is misquoted. It actually is: "You’re right Bessie, and you’re ugly. But tomorrow morning, I’ll be sober, & you'll still be ugly.” I'm astonished at the fact that none of the readers noticed it since it's pretty famous.

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  8. gladys at |

    the third one of Mr. Churchill was not very funny for me cause I heard that one a million times

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  9. stacy at |

    I agree with Paul, I don't think number one ever happened.

    http://www.hoax-slayer.com/cosgrove-female-interv

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  10. bryce at |

    well in any case, someone thought of the response

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  11. stacy at |

    But the interview is entirely fictional, so it would be pretty easy to think of a witty come back if you were to make the whole conversation up. But I agree that it is still entertaining, it just doesn’t belong on this list.

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  12. Manas at |

    I don't know if it's true but I read somewhere that an actress told George Bernard Shaw: With your brains and my looks, we'd produce great children. The writer is supposed to have said, but madam, what if it's the other way round. ;)

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  13. [S]aleam at |

    Haha, old Churchill did have some wit in him (Abraham Lincoln's was good too). Dorothy Parker's ones mentioned above don't sound funny at all. The best come-backs are short and sweet and should they be long, they need to leave the other person dead and buried, lol. Parker never seemed to do that. My favourite comebacks are more immature…

    MAN 1: Your house is a trash-heap!

    MAN 2: At least we actually do dump our rubbish.

    MAN 1: The only rubbish-dumping your family ever does is called 'birth'.

    MAN 1: I got 50% in that bloody exam.

    MAN 2: Yeah, that must be the highest test result you've ever had.

    MAN 1: The highest test score you've ever had was for HIV.

    MAN 1: I have to work today.

    MAN 2: Where? At the gay-bar?

    MAN 1: Yeah I need to get there before your dad complains about the service.

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    1. Guy at |

      epic own on the last one

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      1. [S]aleam at |

        Haha, when you go to a school like the one I went to I guess witty remarks become second nature :D.

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        1. Garm at |

          I'm sorry, but those are just pitiful. Ego-fap fail.

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          1. [S]aleam at |

            That's what people say when comebacks are used against them, haha. Comebacks are an art if you ask me. They are not spoken for the sake of enterainment or to make somebody look big. They are simply witty remarks used to shut down argumentative people (for the most part). Your opinion really means very little. After all, it is those who state their opinions over others who have the 'ego'. And that act in itself is a 'fail' ;). Sorry to disappoint you.

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        2. Uber at |

          from the comebacks above I assume you took a short bus to school.

          The first is not so bad i guess but the other two, HIV and gays. wow… That's very original.

          Usually i'd just laugh at your idiocy and move on but your pride over them is just absurd…

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          1. [S]aleam at |

            Ah close, it was a train ride. The only pride I really get comes from when a laugh comes out of them. As long as somebody finds it funny, then that's enough for me. It's not myself I aim to please. As for originality, I think it's the fact that they are unoriginal that gives them appeal. When a comeback is complicated or hard to relate to/ understand then it's unlikely that they'll be very effective. As for AIDS or gays, it seems you lack the capacity to use the [insert noun here] option. I could have said hepatitis and for the other I could have said it was a brothel, etc.

            It's not the exact words that you use, it is how you structure the sentence I think. Perhaps I am over-analysing, but I suppose it is better than under-analysing. But at the end of that day, whether or not my pride is misplaced, at least I have something to be proud of.

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          2. [S]aleam at |

            Close… I used the trains, haha. I think your argument about the originality is somewhat flawed seeing as if you had used the imagination that I (apparently) do not have, you would know that the last two feature [insert noun here] type word-slots. For example instead of saying it was a gay-bar, one could have said brothel… In place os HIV, one could use hepatitis. The effect is the same, it is just that in the area I grew up in the people probably wouldn't know what hepatitis was, haha. It is all for the effect, not for the pride. No one cares how original something is; it just matters whether or not it is used in the right context. The idiocy is the fuel of such ideas if you ask me. Rarely are verbal confrontations like those very serious and that's why they come across so casual.

            The only pride I would get is from when people manage to get a laugh out of them and that has been the case. So that pride may be absurd, but at the end of the day, at least I have something to be proud of.

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          3. butterfries at |

            not much point arguing over it… every1 has different taste in things like that. Personally i like the cosgrove one. dont care whether it realy happened or not hahah

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          4. [S]aleam at |

            My response above was posted twice… The first time it said it didn't go through and so I typed something else up and now both things are there, haha. Well I'd have thought that argument over such a topic as this would be pointless myself, but it seems that not everyone has that kind of self-control :D.

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    2. pWnjaab at |

      rofl @ the aids test one… think i mite use the gay bar one at school hahaha!!!

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      1. Jerome at |

        “Mite”? I’d just concentrate on the school part for now.

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  14. Fuclos at |

    I'm not from the U.S, but i remember reading from some site about Calvin Coolidge.

    The story goes, a dinner guest once bet her friends that she could get him to say at least three words during the meal.

    He told her, “You lose.”

    I think it's a better comeback than the example given in #9

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  15. M. at |

    Nice..

    Here's one amazing comeback from me.

    Ataturk, founder of the Turkish Republic has the best comebacks of them all, as he makes such witty remarks at the most… heavy times, under such big pressure that as I've got to hear them I feel more and more impressed.

    Anyway, this is one of the many..

    After the Turkish War of Independence, the English Authorities wanted to have a meeting with Ataturk and as they sat down and begun talking, Atatürk noticed an English soldier who was looking at him, furiously! As this went on for a while Ataturk called one of his friends near him, told him to go ask the soldier what the matter was.

    His comrade, his friend went near this unstill, angry looking soldier and came back near Ataturk and told him:

    'He says that you killed his father in the fight of Gallipolli*'

    As the motive of this battle was taking an old Turkish inhabited city and since UK was using colonized lands' as the resource for soldiers(India, Australia, New Zealand etc.)

    Ataturk turns to his friend and tells him:

    'Go ask this sodlier what his father was doing there!'

    ————————— – - – - – - —————————– – - – - – —————————————————–

    *(very brutal World War I battle, UK colony lands attack this Turkish city but army under the orders of Ataturk wins, leading to many alterations in history)

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  16. Martin at |

    Ronald Reagan Comeback

    "I want you to know that also I will not make age an issue of this campaign. I am not going to exploit, for political purposes, my opponent's youth and inexperience." -during a 1984 presidential debate with Walter Mondale after the remarks Mondale made about Reagan being to old to be president.

    Maybe should be on the list !

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  17. Jon at |

    Martin, that Ronald Reagan comeback isn't funny at all.

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    1. Jason at |

      Jon, if it is only humor you are looking for, perhaps it is best to turn your monitor off and continue looking.

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      1. me at |

        owned

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  18. Martin at |

    Maybe the Reagan comeback should not be on the list but it made a lot of news at the time. US debates have never been known for there knee slappers. I remember it live on TV as being funny. Reagan being an actor maybe it was in his delivery.

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  19. Patrick at |

    Ha #1 was made even better because my last name is cosgrove

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  20. Morrison at |

    I've always been a fan of Churchill's wit, so it's no surprise to see him listed 3 times.

    I have one correction, however, to the description of the comeback to Lady Astor about drinking the poison.

    The first woman elected to the British House of Parliament was actually Constance Markiewicz in December 1918, but she did not take her seat as she was a member of Sinn Fein and refused to take the Oath of Allegience to the British Regent which was required to sit in the House of Commons.

    Lady Astor was the first woman to SIT in the House of Commons in December 1919, not the first elected.

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  21. Mike at |

    Tom Delay was at a celebration of India’s Independence Day when an angry Frenchman came walking up to him and started yelling at him about Iraq. After a minute, it was obvious they were not going to agree so Delay said, “Wait a minute. Do you speak German?” The Frenchman looked at him funny and said, “No, I don’t speak German.” Tom Delay responded, “You’re welcome.”

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    1. Not Anybody Special at |

      Nice for Tom to take the credit for a war he had nothing to do with, and for getting deferments in Vietnam.

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  22. Greg at |

    The last one, though a great story, is false. It started circulating around the internet in the late 90s where the “General” was a fictitious American then was changed a few years later to the real Australian General Cosgrove, who never gave that interview.

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  23. Kokolo at |

    LOL that flight attendant completely owned Ali.

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  24. Faheem at |

    A member of Parliament to then Prime Minister, Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”

    “That depends, on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”

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    1. James at |

      It was William Gladstone, a British liberal politician, and the Conservative Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli.

      Gladstone: I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease.
      Disraeli: That all depends, sir, on whether I embrace your principles or your mistress.

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  25. Peter Boucher at |

    What about Mae West !!. One time she was asked as to why she wasn’t married and her reply was : “I think marriage is a great institution, but I am not ready for an institution yet” However, my favorite quote of all time which is neither funny or sarcastic, but straight from the heart is from Yogi Berra, the legendary catcher for the N.Y. Yankees when said “It ain’t over ’til its over”. If you watched game 6 of this years World Series, he was and is absolutely right

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  26. hannah at |

    i dont know whats your problem but i bet its hard to prononce

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  27. Marty at |

    And, speaking of Churchill, here is another classic:
    When playwright George Bernard Shaw invited him to the opening performance of a show, he added a note to the invitation: “Bring a friend, if you have one.”
    Churchill replied that he was engaged that night, but added, “Please send tickets to the second performance, if there is one!”

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