Only a few animals pose an active risk to humans, but almost every animal has the potential to be dangerous, especially if picked up and thrown with enough force. Here are 10, normally dangerous or badass animals that look positively adorable when they’re born.
The hyena is an animal best known for killing James Earl Jones in that Disney documentary on lions. They’re evil creatures that only know anger. In the past, we humans raised them for meat, a favour they’ve returned by on occasion hunting us when they get really hungry. As babies though the only danger they pose to anyone is their innate ability to make a man’s testicle instinctively leap up into his body in an active attempt to turn back into ovaries.
Proof they’re dangerous.
An elephant in musth is a creature capable of unimaginable destruction, being the largest living land based creature. Literally nothing short of high calibur weaponary can stop an angry elephant. As our friends over at Cracked explain, an angry elephant can tear a human limb from limb with ease. In Musth (elephant breeding time) a male elephant can and has been known to destroy entire villages.
As babies though, elephants look like the only thing they could tear apart is the part of your mind that creates unhappiness. Because no one can feel sad when seeing a baby elephant, those giant ears simply act like radar dishes that send out happiness rays aimed straight at your heart.
A lion’s roar is easily capable of ripping straight through dimensions, where it turns into a fist that is capable of hitting you in the bladder. Which is why only the stoutest of men can hear one without wetting themselves constantly. Lion attacks are so vicious and scarring on the victims that science actually had to come up with a guide to avoid them. If you have a healthy stomach we invite you to read the Wikipedia page on noted lion attacks on humans. Something hundreds of people a year have to deal with.
Lion cubs however look like someone took a hug, covered it in fur than only fed it honey. Researching and writing this section was almost impossible because I could stop hugging my screen. Stupid lions.
When not being punched in the throat by Liam Neeson, wolves enjoy owning the woods and forests they call home. Thousands of years of evolution have made wolves into perfect hunting machines that are able to tear out your throat just as easily as they could lick their evolutionary superior balls.
Throughout history wolves have attacked humans so much they get a several thousand word Wikipedia entry. Though wolf attacks were all the rage in the 18th century where they’d knock over children and bite the backs of their heads, wolf attacks can and do still happen today.
Wolf cubs on the other hand only want to Ozzy Osbourne as hard as they can by howling at that moon like a boss. If that doesn’t float your boat, here’s a video of one so sweet it can give your eyes diabetes.
6. Honey badgers
The honey badger is an animal so dangerous that cheetah kittens evolved to look more like them, because quite simply, no animal in Africa messes with the honey badger. They’ve been known to attack everything up to and including lions. There is a widely believed rumour that honey badgers will instinctively go for the balls, though this has never been confirmed, this is mainly due to scientists dying of unexplainable ball bite wounds.
Though their small size limits the danger they pose to humans, a honey badger should be feared due to its sheer tenacity, known to attack leopards, lions and puff adders, and nothing short of a machete blow to the face will stop one.
However, despite its formidable reputation, as a baby the honey badger will relentlessly attack your heart with its combination of fuzziness and super fuzziness. You have to admit that there’s something heart-warming about seeing a creature known to attack lions for fun being so snuggly.
5. Komodo Dragons
The komodo dragon is 3 metre long member of the monitor lizard family that exists on a steady diet of birds, insects and the screams of young children. When a komodo dragon isn’t biting things just for the hell of it, it can normally be found waving around its poisonous tongue as a direct insult to all mankind.
Though attacks from the beasts are rare, in recent years they’ve become far more bold. Attacking humans, seemingly just for the hell of it. Scientists don’t have a clue why komodo dragons are starting to do this, the only explanation is that they just really hate tourists.
As a hatchling though, komodo dragons use that tiny tongue like they’re a freaking emoticon. Just watch this video and tell me you couldn’t imagine that little guy sitting on your shoulder giving you sound life advice, probably with the voice of Eddie Murphy.
Hippos are widely regarded as one of the most dangerous animals in all of Africa, with the sole exception of the mosquito, and that is only because hippos haven’t learned to fly and give people malaria. Yet.
Hippos are incredibly territorial and will attack humans on sight if they encroach upon it, however, recently, they’ve taken to actually chasing people on land to try and kill them. Considering they can run surprisingly fast, it’s safe to say, a charging hippo is probably the last thing anyone would want to see.
Known to be able to bite a man, or even a fully grown crocodile completely in half, a fully grown hippo fears nothing. Presumably because as a baby, they spend all their time being nudged around by the giant hell beasts they call mum.
Caimans are members of the crocodilian family, just think of them as mini crocodiles with a fiesty attitude. When fully grown the caiman is a fearsom predator that could probably bite your face, if someone held it up to your face or you tried yelling at it or something.
Though they pose much less of a threat than their larger cousins, they will still attack the hell out of people if they get annoyed enough or they find your British accent particularly grating. Which is what happened to one hapless television reporter.
However, when young, the caiman, or more specifially, the spectacled caiman looks like the smuggest son of a gun in the entire animal kingdom. It’s like they know Godzilla is their uncle, either that or they just farted and know they’re too cute for someone to blame it on them.
Only two animals can rightly fight over the title of “king of the jungle”: the lion and the gorilla. In my book, the gorilla wins, because it can use tools (suck it, lions). The strength of the common gorilla is exceptional and suffice to say, in one on one combat a gorilla could beat you to death with your own soul if it wanted to.
Gorilla attacks are surprisingly common, though one of the more terrifying ones is the story of Bokito, who escaped his enclosure and nearly beat a woman to death because she smiled at him. Pro tip, gorillas see smiling as a form of aggression, so yeah, don’t do that.
As a baby though, gorillas enjoy one thing, kicking back. Well, that and staring at you with eyes that contain so much emotion Keanu Reeve movies explode if held too close.
No animal can evoke a feeling of dread quite like the shark, if you weren’t afraid to put your feet all the way to the bottom of your bed after watching Jaws, you’re either lying or not afraid of sharks, either way, screw you.
Quite simply, though they aren’t the most dangerous animal on this list, they’re certainly the one that has its attack on humans, very, well, documented and picking out just one isn’t easy. But probably the most terrifying were the Jersey Shore attacks of 1916, in which a single shark ate a whole bunch of people. 4 in total. Just because.
However, when born, sharks aren’t nearly half as scary, if only because their tiny teeth can only nibble on your digits with all the ferocity of an elderly person eating hot soup. It’s hard to be afraid of an animal that you can hand feed.