Top 10 Famous Mustache Guys Without Their Mustaches

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Once upon a time, just about every man in the world felt it was his sworn and solemn duty to grow a mustache. Boys would long for the day when the space above their lips sprouted the thick, beautiful hairs that would tell the world they were men. Mustaches may have fallen out of fashion for the most part, but for certain famous men in history, they remain an indelible part of their images. How would ten famous mustache men fare without their famous facial hairs?

10.  Hitler

Hitler_without_moustache_by_lyonlamb

The Mustache

Arguably one of the most famous bits of lip hair in the history of mankind, Hitler’s mustache has come to represent all that is evil and impure in facial hair. If anyone in the world ever misused their mustache, it was Adolf Hitler. Instead of using his mighty ‘stache for good, he used it to seduce the German public into following him down a path of destruction and hatred. Seriously uncool, dude.

‘Stache, or No ‘Stache?

Hitler certainly looks a lot nicer without his trademark “toothbrush” mustache, but unfortunately it shows off his harelip. Even still, he looks like a pretty regular guy, if a little dull. In the end, we’re going to have to agree with famed Nazi hunter Aldo Raine from Inglourious Basterds that it’s better for a Nazi to look like a Nazi. Without a mustache, Hitler just looks normal, and that won’t do.

9.  Charlie Chaplin

chaplin no stache

The Mustache

Like Hitler, Silent film star Charlie Chaplin also sported a “toothbrush” mustache. In terms of length, width, and style, Chaplin’s mustache is almost identical to Hitler’s. But where Hitler used his to terrorize the Free World, Chaplin used his to make it laugh.

‘Stache, or No ‘Stache?

While Chaplin looks fine without his mustache and it may even suit his “innocent tramp” persona better, he needs to have it. Without him, the toothbrush style of mustache will forever be associated with Hitler’s tyranny and oppression. Instead of Chaplin’s mastery of physical comedy and hilariously oversized pants.

8.  Einstein

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The Mustache

Like the overall appearance of the man who sported it, Einstein’s mustache was a little wild, a little shaggy, and perfect for a man who spent most of his time contemplating things beyond the grasp if 99% of the rest of us. All while still maintaining an unshakable air of charm and humility.

‘Stache, or No ‘Stache?

Even without his white and wild mustache, Einstein still looks like the stereotypical absent-minded professor, but there’s a sadness around his mouth that isn’t evident when it’s covered with crazy white whiskers. Since for most of us the image of Einstein is one of childlike wonder at the complexity of the universe as well as the staggering genius to understand it, it’s probably a good thing that he kept that magical soup strainer for his entire life.

7.  Che Guevara

che

The Mustache

Doctor, revolutionary, and fan of writing his diary while driving a motorcycle, Che Guevara and his mustache have long transcended their Cuban roots and have become an international symbol for Marxist struggle, political freedom, and idiot college students who don’t understand either but like t-shirts.

‘Stache, or No ‘Stache?

Che is one of the few mustache guys that maintains his coolness without his trademark lip umbrella. In fact, he may even look better. He still has the same piercing eyes, flowing locks, and intense beret, but there is definitely a difference. Without his sparse, stoner dude mustache Che looks less like a loudmouth who ruins every Poli Sci 101 class with his endless and inane comments and more like a serious intellectual. That can only be a good thing.

6.  Salvador Dali

dali

The Mustache

Artist, filmmaker and all-around weirdo Salvador Dali is generally famous for two things; his surreal, disturbing paintings and his even more surreal and way more disturbing mustache. Although he wore a fairly standard mustache in his youth, it grew wider and wilder as he got older and more famous/crazy. It is said by the time of his death it was so large that he had to hire two African Pygmies just to support it. That’s not true, but it was a pretty crazy mustache.

‘Stache, or No ‘Stache?

A lot of Dali’s craziness is in his googly eyes, but without the two curly, waxing tufts of hair to give his face some pizazz, he just looks like a creep with a staring problem.

5.  Tom Selleck

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The Mustache

In the 1980s, nobody symbolized Male sexuality like Mr. Tom Selleck and his wonderful mustache. Thick, bushy, and cared for with only the finest tropical salves and oils, Selleck’s mustache was the stuff of legends. From his hit TV series Magnum P.I. to the movies, Tom Selleck rode his mustache to the heights of fame. If ever there was a man who could teach the world to sing in peace and harmony with his facial hair, it was Tom Selleck.

‘Stache, or No ‘Stache?

Tom Selleck doesn’t look awful without his mustache, he just doesn’t look like Tom Selleck. The clean shaven space between his mouth and his nose looks like a giant lost opportunity. If you can grow a mustache as rich and full as Tom Selleck’s, isn’t it a crime not to?

4.  Super Mario

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The Mustache

Plumber, brother, and scourge of evil turtles everywhere, Mario is known for his trademark red cap, blue overalls, huge nose, and big bushy mustache. He’s got everything you could ask for in a broadly drawn Italian stereotype video game character. But how would he fair against an army of koopas without his giant mushroom stained mustache?

‘Stache, or No ‘Stache?

Now Mario has never exactly been imposing, but without his mustache he looks like a cross between a chubby ten year old kid and an unpopular high school guidance counselor. If he showed up at Bowser’s Castle to rescue the Princess looking like this, she’d probably tell him to come back in a few years once he’s manned up a little. It’s hard work freeing the land of cute monsters, and you need to look tough to do it.

3.  Groucho Marx

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The Mustache

Unlike all the other fine examples of manly growth on this list, Groucho Marx’s famous mustache was never real. He did grow one in his later years, but at the height of his fame his “mustache” was nothing more than a thick slathering of black grease paint. Real or not, did he need it?

‘Stache, or No ‘Stache?

Of course he did, he’s Groucho! Without his comically oversized lady tickler he’s just Harpo with a slightly better haircut. With it, he’s a mustachioed madman who sticks it to anybody and everybody. The perpetual outsider and anti-authoritarian, Groucho’s mustache says to the world, “I may look like an idiot, but you are one.” besides, if Groucho didn’t have a mustache, what would we do with all those plastic Groucho glasses?

2.  Burt Reynolds

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The Mustache

At the start of his career, Burt Reynolds could go either way when it came to his famous mustache. Few people realize that in the classic Deliverance, he’s as clean shaven as a pornstar. But he’s still pretty badass in that flick. Nevertheless, once he went to the ‘stache full time and Reynold’s star rose in Hollywood and around the world, he became a glowing symbol of hairy masculinity. Here was a man, in all his lip-tickling glory.

 

‘Stache, or No ‘Stache?

Come on! He’s Burt Reynolds. Without that glorious patch of man hair under his nose he’s just another dude with a bad toupee. Reynolds needs the mustache just as much as we need him to have it. Styles may come and go, but isn’t nice to know that somewhere in the world there’s a handsome man with a mustache?

1.  Ned Flanders

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The Mustache

Next door neighbor to The Simpsons and all-around nice guy Christian pushover, Ned Flanders is instantly recognizably for two things; his ever-present green sweater, and his full, luxurious mustache,

‘Stache, or No ‘Stache?

Besides his rippling physique (which only rarely sees the light of day) Ned’s mustache is the manliest thing he’s got. Without his crumb-catcher he looks like the doormat he is. It’s one thing to let your slobby, barely literate drunken neighbor borrow all your stuff and generally walk all over you, but it’s quite another to look like you do. Ned’s crumb-catcher is the only thing keeping him from becoming a complete wussy.

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Post by Geoff


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38 Comments

  1. Interesting and funny list. I almost wouldn’t recognize Hitler without his mustache. If you take out his forehead and hairline as well, I think you could trick some people. Nobody in history has ruined a fashion style more than Hitler and his thin stash.

    • He didn’t ruin it. He actually had a different mustache during WWI, but when his friend was killed, he changed it to the one his friend had.

  2. all of the iconic people on this list, and i didn’t think chuck norris would have been on this list because it just isn’t that full and with him it’s the full face of hair that made him intimidating….ron jeremy would have been a ecent choice…cuz who doesn’t know by now who ron jeremy is..but ned flanders as number one???..completely unnecessary and should have never even been in the thought process as einstein and hitler…completely ruined this list..as much of a gamer as i am…i wasn’t happy that mario was on here either…should have stuck to real people

  3. Seriously, a character from the simpsons on nr. 1? C’mon now, it almost makes me think that you are being plain lazy.

  4. You take the mustache away from Chaplin, put him in a regular suit and he looks an awful lot like Harold Lloyd – the one contemporary who was arguably his equal and perhaps the better comedian so Charlie needed the stache as a symbol of difference.

    My grandfather was a friend of My Lloyd and said it was a shame he lost interest in the film industry and had no interest in preserving his heritage while Mr Chaplain on the other hand made sure his movies were saved so the people of their children’s and grandchildren’s day know all about the Lilttle Tramp but not Harold Lloyd and what is not preserved is the fact of the disdain in which Chaplain was held by his contemporaries for his escapades with little girls – he was a fine artist but let himself go wild too often. The Communism was an affectation held by quite a few Hollywood elites who didn’t know any better so not a big deal

    • I disagree, anyone with a mild interest in silent film knows who Harold Lloyd is. & personally (being a silent film fan) I believe Chaplin’s biggest rival would be Buster Keaton.
      I suppose there is a slight resemblance, but you’re forgetting that although Chaplin had the mustache, Lloyd had the glasses.
      & you sound rather angry that Chaplin preserved his films. I find the films hilarious and heartwarming and am glad that I can watch many of them. Although I do agree that it’s disappointing that Lloyd’s films are a little harder to find.

  5. I am not a huge fan of men with moustaches (a goatee is a different story) Tom Selleck looks great either way and so does Burt Reynolds. I think in both their cases, they don’t need moustaches but it gives them character. Hitler isn’t bad looking and would be an average looking joe without the moustache. One thing is for certain, even a thin moustache can change someone’s appearance.

  6. LunaSelenArtemis on

    Ladies you are missing out MEN WITH MUSTACHES ARE HOTTTT!!!!
    Tom Selleck, Omar Sharif, Burt Reynolds, and even though they aren’t real, Mario and Luigi and Ned Flanders are all super Sexy. Mustaches are manly. Clean-shaven is not!

  7. Guevara didn’t have cuban roots, nor his stache. He was the worst mass murderer ever born in my country: Argentina. Have you read his books? he HATED black people with a passion, was a socialist just like Hitler, but he didn’t work behind the scenes like the nazi bastard did, he shot gagged innocent people himself. Read his diaries, please, you’ll find that he found extreme pleasure in killing, and bashing and beating his peruvian wife because of her native american descent and her ugly looks. A charming man…

  8. I think Hitler could have gone into his bunker, shaved his mustache, and walked right on by the Allied forces unnoticed.

  9. Che was a sophist, at best, and a psycho revolutionary…period. I bet he enjoyed some fine rum, cigars and watches living off the backs of his people, like his man of the people boss and coconspirator, Fidel. That’s not to say the previous government was ok, but why did the people deserve what came next?

  10. Hitler’s mustache had nothing to do with anything, and many others at that time had it too, it’s that way so one could have a mustache and wear a gas mask. And Charlie Chaplin’s wasn’t even real. lol

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