Top 10 Most Baffling Pieces of Video Game Merchandise

Google+ Pinterest LinkedIn Tumblr +

There’s more to the video game industry than the games themselves. Developers, always looking to get more money out of their hard work, routinely turn to merchandising to compliment sales. Usually they’ll just release a standard line-up of shirts and action figures, but now and then they’ll get creative. And by creative we mean insane, as the following 10 products demonstrate.

10. Resident Evil 4 Aftershave

Resident Evil

To promote the release of Resident Evil 4, its developer created “Leon’s Collection,” a series of products designed with the sensibilities of the game’s main character in mind. This included sunglasses, a jacket like the one he wears in the game and… aftershave. Because fans won’t just want to look like a character, they’ll want to shave like him, too.

Associating video games with shaving is already bizarre, but it’s even weirder when you consider the game in question. In Resident Evil 4 you run through dark and grimy locales, killing hundreds of Spanish zombies and other grotesque monsters. It’s a lot of fun, but that doesn’t mean anyone wants to smell like it after they shave. We’ll stick with Old Spice over Eau de Splattered Monster Brains.

9. Stranglehold Berettas

Strangehold

More work went into these replica Berettas than the game they were made to advertise—we’re pretty sure Stranglehold got its name after its designers constantly found their throats in the hands of the people who were forced to test it.

But what’s strange about these guns is that they’re actually incredibly impractical cigarette lighters. Now you can literally pack heat, because why carry a Bic around when you could pull a pistol out of your pants every time you want a smoke? Just think how many strangers you’d terrify! Although we have to admit, you’d look pretty awesome lighting two cigarettes at once with guns. At least until someone misunderstood the situation and called the cops.

8. Super Mario Bros. Shower Power

Shower Power

Mario is an iconic video game character, but he’s no longer the merchandising juggernaut he was in the 80s. Back then he was slapped onto everything from cereal to pap smear kits, usually with the addition of the words “super” or “power.” There were countless Mario products, but none represented the remarkable ability of Mario to separate money from the wallets of his fan’s parents better than the Shower Power.

We don’t care how much your kid loves Mario—he shouldn’t be naked with a pair of moustachioed Italian plumbers. And what exactly is “built-in scald protection”? It sounds like marketing jargon for “water will always be freezing cold, deal with it.” But at least it’s “safe,” and thank God—we all know how dangerous most showerheads are.

7. Super Mario Bros. Long Stitch

long stitch

While we make fun of the Shower Power we can still see it being purchased, perhaps by some desperate parents whose child’s Mario fanaticism is matched only by his poor hygiene. The same isn’t true for the Super Mario Bros. Long Stitch Picture Kit, which combines all the excitement of video games with the raw thrills of embroidery.

Who on Earth would buy this? Seriously, name one kid who’s interested in both video games and freaking cross-stitching. Its target audience is obviously girls, but the only girls who still do embroidery are the ones who think video games come out of a satanic box of horrors. This is the worst cross-medium promotion since the Schindler’s List coloring book.

6. Gamer Grub

gamer grub

Gamer Grub isn’t associated with any particular game, but it’s such a patently stupid attempt to cash in on the market that it bears mentioning. Designed by someone who has either never touched a video game or never touched a woman, Gamer Grub is a “performance snack” that’s packed with “essential vitamins and neurotransmitters” to “keep you focused and quick.” Otherwise known as trail mix.

There are so many things wrong with this product. First, who wants to eat something called grub? I think most of us would prefer actual food. Second, the “Tear N Tilt” method of eating (where you dump the package’s contents directly into your mouth so your fingers don’t get greasy) isn’t how gamers eat, it’s how starving hobos eat. Finally, who could take themselves seriously after eating this crap? Buying Gamer Grub is like buying an extension for your virginity.

5. Mass Effect 2 Commander Shepard Hoodie

full zip

There’s all sorts of video game clothing out there, a lot of which are tasteful pieces of attire that you could wear in public without feeling like a nerd. And then there’s this hoodie.

Made to resemble the armour of Mass Effect 2’s main character, the hoodie looks like a cross between a Halloween costume and a gimp suit. The hood zip rights up to the top, so you can protect your head on windy days, disguise your identity when you rob a bank, or, most likely, hide your shame. And it can be yours for a mere 88 dollars, along with whatever your dignity is worth to you.

4. No More Heroes 2 Lingerie

The Mass Effect hoodie shows that the game clothing field is going too far, but what about the untapped market of video game lingerie? The creators of No More Heroes 2 boldly entered that final frontier by commissioning a lingerie company to design three sexy outfits, inspired by the game’s three main female characters. The results were… confusing.

no more heroes

Now, we like video games, and we really like sex, but trying to combine the two just feels silly. There’s nothing wrong with a little fantasy, but when you’re roleplaying a deadly teenage assassin with a grey wig and a samurai sword you might be taking things a little too far. And good luck talking your girlfriend into wearing a black and yellow corset while pretending to be a sultry weapons manufacturer.

Guys, if you buy this lingerie for your girlfriend, you’re asking her to break up with you. Ladies, if you buy this lingerie for yourself, try to disprove our argument by sending us pictures. Lots and lots of pictures.

3. World of Warcraft Beer Stein

World of Warcraft fans are so obsessive they’d buy a self-castration kit if it came in Alliance and Horde variations. Maybe we should consider ourselves lucky that beer steins are as ridiculous as the merchandise has gotten so far.

WOW

Or maybe not. Look at that monstrosity! It looks like the cover art to a metal album made by teenagers. It’s what alcoholics buy when they want to quit drinking. Anyone who uses it is going to get beaten up by all the cool Bavarians at Oktoberfest.

If you’ve suffered enough blows to the head to actually want that… thing, it’s going to set you back 100 dollars. And if you’re going to fork out 100 bucks for a pewter and stoneware disaster, the only thing society should allow you to drink out of it is antifreeze.

2. Manhunt Piggsy Figurine

Action figures are a staple of video game merchandise. No matter how unpopular a character is, someone is inevitably going to try to sell a figure of it. That explains this statue of Piggsy, one of the villains of Manhunt—a game played exclusively by budding serial killers.

Manhunt

We know what you’re thinking: the guy’s pretty ugly and you’re not sure why anyone would want him on their desk, but otherwise what’s the big deal? Well, you can’t tell from the picture, but Piggsy is anatomically correct. Take off his loincloth and you’ll discover that, while not blessed with beauty, Piggsy is quite gifted in other areas. Including the ability to horrify his owners.

Sadly, only 500 of these works of art were created, so if you want to get your hands on a psychopathic killer’s junk you’re going to have to pony up some serious cash. Or just make your own, out of the skin of your victims.

1. Dead or Alive Kasumi Squishy Pillow

Dead or Alive is a fighting game series beloved for its exciting combat and jiggly, ample bosom-ed leading ladies. Tecmo, the game’s developer, has tried to cash in on Dead or Alive’s sex appeal in every way they can think of. Out of the myriad products they’ve made to fulfill terrible stereotypes about gamers, none is more cringe worthy than their pillow.

Dead or Alive

The pillow contains “stress reliving micro beads,” which means it has boobs. It’s a boob pillow. If you buy this pillow, you’re buying yourself disembodied boobs.

The greatest thing about it is that Tecmo doesn’t even try to make it sound like a product for normal people. Just check out this quote from their website:

“Donning sexy pink lingerie and a sly smile, it will seem as if Kasumi is lying there right beside you! This is not a dream DOA fans, for only $55.00, cuddling up to Kasumi can be a reality!”

Shop Related Products

They might as well say, “Go ahead and use this pillow to masturbate! We won’t think any less of you, loyal fan!” Well, they might not, but the rest of us will.


Share.

8 Comments

  1. The range of things on this list hit every sub culture of nerd and I love it. The Mario stuff? Totally bought by those people who live in a room covered in wall to wall fat plumber swag. The figurine would be something any fevered collector would strive to have.

    However then you get to the pillow and lingerie and you start crossing some lines. As a nerd myself I say we cannot push this image of our inability to find a women. It needs to end!

    However the WoW stein and the after shave are pretty cool *shifty eyes*

  2. avid fan of the site.

    Anyways i have to say the only thing ‘baffling’ about this list, is how it got published!
    Not only are many of those items very ‘unbaffiling’ id say several are a damn good idea.

    Womens lingere is never bad, regardless of theme. Video game char role play is prob pretty common and those outfits were hot.

    The ‘grub’ is a good idea nit onky from a marketing standpoint but from a practical and health standpoint as well.

    Cross stitching? Unless you have something against children learning arts and crafts while associating them with thier fav game char. Sounds like a great gift for my niece, as long as they sold luigi or yoshi, shes 4

    The hoodie, not sure your really qualified to give fashion advice nor do u seem to be hip to whats fresh now-a-days… Ever been to the magic convention? The full zip char hooodies are slick and useful in the cold. $88 is actually a lil cheap. The jason vorhees one i own retails over a bill and is manufactured by ecko unlimited. Whom ive been sponsored by for 5 years

    • Really Kaneone?.. I don’t care about the point your trying to make but I hate you becuase you just HAD to say…. ‘ECKO – WHO I HAVE BEEN SPONSORED BY FOR 5 YEARS….’ Why did you have to say that? It had no relevence to your argument and just makes you sound like a douche with a giant ego. Which im sure you are.

    • 1. I seriously doubt your point on video game role playing being common. More like kinda weird. And if you seriously think those are hot, you should check out… I dont know, pretty much any other store that sells lingerie. Those just look weird and awkward.
      2. Yeah,whats healthier than artificial things pumped full of artificial vitamins. Hopefully they don’t have fiber so you get maximum time between trips to the bathroom so you can raid more.
      3. Why is your 4 year old niece playing Mario games? Theres a thing called the outside… Check it out sometime with her. Its good for you.
      4. hahahahahahahahahaha. Excuse me. I wasn’t aware that “Magic Coventions” were the place for fashion advice. In fact, that sounds like just about the last place I would want fashion advice. Basically, if you couldn’t get into a decent club without a huge cover or being surrounded by attractive girls (which I’m assuming is something you haven’t experienced), I don’t think you yourself are qualified to give out fashion advice.
      Congratulations on your sponsoring. You and your family must be so proud of the many accomplishments you have accomplished for this. If you’re buying $88 hoodies and calling it cheap and fashionable then you clearly have no idea where to shop or what to wear. But hey, at least you’ve been sponsored for 5 years.

  3. Dude, my next crochet project is Bobbery from Paper Mario 2. Yes, some girls like both video games *and* traditionally girly things! Gasp!

  4. I actually have one of the Piggsy figures. The thing is still in the box and if anyone is actually interested in it I would totally be willing to sell. It has been sitting in a closet for the past 5 years or so I am guessing.

Leave A Reply