With so many Christmas movies out there, it’s hard to pick our favorites. On the other hand, it’s pretty easy to pick the stinkers. Here you will find our list of the top ten worst movie Santa Clauses. You may agree, you may disagree. I might get an angry letter from Billy Bob Thornton or Martin Short. Bah Humbug. Here’s the Santa Story, and I’m sticking to it.
10. Santa Visits The Magic Land of Mother Goose
Birthed from the ungodly film loins of Herschell Gordon Lewis, this uncomfortably bright and surreal film ranks number 10 on our lists of inadequate Santa Clauses. It goes without saying that it is possible, just possible, that any child who saw this 1967 film ended up on a therapist’s couch. The plot centers around Old King Cole and Raggedy Ann and their plight against an evil witch. A slurring and slumping seemingly drunk Santa Claus introduces the story, which includes a burned-up witch corpse and capering man-sized woodland animals. Raggedy Ann’s face looks like a mask from The Strangers, and I had nightmares after watching the first 5 minutes. Santa Score: Lousy.
9. Santa’s Magic Kingdom
Santa, but green. And surrounded by 14-year-old girls. Need we say more? We’re also treated to a falsetto-voiced Easter Bunny, who lives at the North Pole with Santa. Green Santa. Santa Score: Rotten
8. A Christmas Story
I know what you’re thinking. How dare she? How dare she razz one of the greatest Christmas movies of all time? Well, folks, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but the Santa in A Christmas Story? He sucked! He was condescending! And rude to Ralphie! I remember being a kid and hating that Santa Claus to pieces. “Okay, get him out of here”. Honestly. That’s enough to give a kid a complex. Santa Score: Ugly.
7. The Santa Clause 3 – The Escape Clause
I’ll be honest with you. I actually liked the first two movies with Tim Allen as the first reluctant, then lovelorn Scott Calvin aka Santa Claus who falls victim to the Santa Clause. The third one? Well, it sucked. Maybe it was Martin Short as Jack Frost, who seriously overacted. Maybe it was the lack of the awesome David Krumholtz as Bernard, the Arch Elf. Either way, it was rotten. Santa Score: Crappy.
6. Miracle on 34th Street
No, we’re not slamming Richard Attenborough or Edmund Gwenn. They would both go on the list for the best movie Santa Clauses. BUT there were some bad Santas in that movie. Remember? The story has that drunk Santa that the good Santa has to replace. In order to make the good Santas look even better, you’ve got to make those drunk Santas look really bad. So, they make the list. Santa Score: Pickled.
5. Silent Night, Deadly Night
OK, so he’s not really a Santa, per se, but the serial murderer who dresses up like Santa counts for the list. Since he does reward the “nice” by not hacking them to pieces, and he punishes the “naughty” by, well, hacking them to pieces, he is Santa-like…right? Plus, since Ricky’s parents were killed by a “thief” in a Santa suit, who is to say that the makers of the film didn’t want us to think they were killed by a deranged Santa instead? Too controversial? Perhaps. But he gets a Santa Score of: Bloody Awful.
4. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Here we go. The premise is that the Martians are jealous of us Earthlings, so they steal the best thing we have going for us. Santa Claus. Why shouldn’t little Martian kids get presents too? Santa and the two kids captured with him escape death and dismemberment to land on Mars, where he brings peace and joy to Mars. Santa is overdone and cheesy, but you kind of can’t help but love this one. Still, it rates a Santa Score of: Spacey.
3. Santa’s Slay
So instead of Santa Claus being St. Nicholas, or the patron saint of children, instead he’s a demon. He’s a demon (the son of the Devil, in fact) who has to bring toys and happiness to children because he lost a bet to an Angel. Turns out the bet was only good for 1000 years, so now he’s back to his evil ways of murder and mayhem. The best part? Santa is played by none other than Bill Goldberg. Da Man. No kidding. Santa Score: Pumphandle Droppingly Bad.
2. Santa Claus: The Movie
There are some people who really love this movie. I am not one of them. Boring, boring, boring with a plasticky feel and really terrible acting. It’s too long, it’s boring (did we mention that already?) and was dated when it came out, which was in 1985. Santa himself is wooden and hard to take. This ranks a Santa Score of: Yawn.
1. Bad Santa
I simply cannot say enough bad things about this movie. First off, it has no connection to Christmas on a “we all learned the true meaning of Christmas” level, even though we’re meant to think that it goes there. It’s basically just a vehicle for Billy Bob Thornton to be as nasty as he wants to be, and for Lauren Graham to sully her golden Gilmore Girls public perception with her warped Santa obsession. Crude, lewd, and basically unacceptable, this rates a Santa Score of: Very Naughty.