As Louis CK once so eloquently put it, “If you’re white and you don’t admit that it’s great, you’re an a*****e.” White people have it pretty easy, all things considered. Sure, there are problems unique to white people like…erm…well…whatever people on Reddit get annoyed about. But for the most part, there are few negative connotations associated with being white. So we decided to gather up a few stories about obnoxious white people doing what comes naturally to them, and generally ruining things for everyone because, come on, we kind of deserve it.
(Note: This article is being written with our tongues planted so far into our cheeks we can taste the brand of aftershave the guy next to us is wearing. Being white means you don’t have to deal with a lot of fairly awful things other races do on a daily basis, which is what prompted this playful jab at the expense of the world’s paler population. Of course none of the things we’re talking about were ruined exclusively by white people, but you can sure bet they’re the ones who were taking selfies.)
10. Tourists Have Covered Mount Everest in Poop
For many years Mount Everest represented one of the most trying physical accomplishments it was possible for a human being to achieve. Nowadays, anyone can flash the cash to have a sherpa drag their butt to the peak of what was once a place only men with the most epic of beards could stand. While the money earned from selling passes to climb Everest (yes, you need to pay to climb the world’s tallest mountain) has earned the Nepalese government a decent chunk of change, the people they’re selling them to aren’t exactly treating the peak with respect.
In short, tourists climbing the mountain durings its busy seasons have taken to simply dumping their trash on their way to the summit, seemingly in the belief that yetis or those guy’s from Far Cry 4 will clean it up. In addition to trash, Everest is also covered in the poop of Western tourists who decided it looked better on the ground of what was once the most desolate place on Earth, leading to officials genuinely asking people to you know, stop crapping all over their mountain. Unsurprisingly, the neighboring country of Bhutan has seen what tourists have done to Everest and decided to ban mountaineering.
9. Tourists are the Cause of So Many Sad Tigers in Thailand
Tigers are revered in Thailand as an animal of great power and testicular fortitude, which has seen many temples spring up dedicated solely to their awesomeness, and many of them are open to tourists. Which is great. What isn’t so great is that many of these temples will, for a small fee, allow tourists to take pictures with these majestic creatures and their cubs. If you’re wondering how on Earth the temples are able to control such ferocious creatures, the answer is that they mistreat them. A lot. Usually with drugs, but mostly by ripping them away from their mothers when they’re cubs, and then selling them for meat and medicine when they get too big.
The most controversial of the so-called Tiger Temples is Wat Pha Luang Ta Bua Yanasampanno, which has come under fire from animal rights groups for basically getting their Sagat on and making an earnest attempt to commit Tiger Genocide, all so Westerners can pose for Facebook and Tinder profile pictures. Speaking of taking selfies with animals…
8. Tourists Taking Selfies with Animals are Ruining National Parks
Whether we like it or not, selfies are a thing now and we have to all learn to accept them as a facet of modern life. They’re a tolerable evil born from the convenience of having a camera in our pockets all the time. While there’s nothing inherently wrong with taking selfies, there is a time and a place they’re appropriate. Several feet away from a bear or similarly angry and furry wild animal is not an appropriate time.
But that’s exactly what a number of people have done in national parks across America, often getting dangerously close to wild animals to take the most epic selfie possible, much to the annoyance of both the animals and staff at the parks. But these obnoxious selfie-takers aren’t just risking their own lives. If they were we, wouldn’t really care because “Selfie-taking man mauled by bear” would be a headline that would make us laugh forever. These snap-happy park goers are also risking the lives of the animals they’re annoying by taking selfies (animals that attack people are generally, as a rule, killed so they won’t do it again, regardless of how much the person deserved it). They’re also ruining the parks for other, less obnoxious tourists.
Park officials have actually been forced to close national parks to visitors for days at a time because they couldn’t trust people to not try and take selfies with mother bears and their cubs. Leading us to ask: did none of these people see Leonardo DiCaprio get owned by that CGI bear in The Revenant? That movie’s message was pretty clear in its message about bear safety.
7. American Tourists are Going to Ruin Cuba
Cuba is a beautiful country filled with idylic beaches, cheap rum, and gigantic cigars legend says are bigger than a man’s head. And for some reason, tourism is down in the country, at least from areas of the world that aren’t America. You see, when the US government expressed its wishes to start actually being nice to Cuba, thousands of Americans booked vacations there, prompting people from other areas of the world to decide that they’d be better off visiting someplace else.
But it’s not all bad. Cuba doesn’t even need money from other parts of the world since it’s been estimated that American tourists could provide more money for the Cuban economy than all other countries combined. The only problem is, Cuba lacks the infrastructure and services to actually accommodate that many tourists, their colossal buttocks, or their endless hunger for Taco Bell. Meaning the country is likely going to have to spend money it doesn’t have, to entertain tourists it doesn’t really want, and build things none of its people will use. But hey, whatever. Cheap cigars and rum forever, right?
6. Death Valley National Park is Filled with Rotten Eggs
Have you ever heard someone say that it sometimes gets so hot in Death Valley that you can fry an egg on the ground? Well apparently that’s not true, which we know because tourists keep flocking to the Death Valley National Park whenever it gets hot and throwing eggs at the floor, just to see what happens. And then they just sort of leave them there when they stay on the ground, insultingly un-fried.
Like with the bison goring epidemic mentioned in a previous entry, officials have had to devote time and resources to asking people to stop being idiots. Unfortunately it hasn’t really worked all that well, because people inexplicably keep doing it, and then more inexplicably not cleaning up after themselves when it doesn’t work.
5. The Whip and the Nae Nae have been Killed by White People
The Whip and the Nae Nae are two dance moves popularized by the music video for the 2015 song, Watch Me (Whip/Nae Nae). Like the Harlem Shake and Gangnam Style before it, the dances became instant internet memes and thousands of videos sprang up online of people getting their groove on to the song. The only difference was, every video involving white people trying to do The Whip looks so painfully awkward that it basically became a huge joke, killing the dance and the self-respect of everyone who uploaded a video of themselves doing it.
Now you could say that we’re perpetuating a stereotype by saying that white people can’t dance, but at the same time, what other race in history has performed a dance move so badly that they killed it forever? For the record, here’s what a whip circle is supposed to look like. And here’s about 300 videos of how not to do it, courtesy of white people and YouTube, we guess.
4. Ancient Cave Art Destroyed in an Act of “Absolute Stupidity”
Cave art is the ancient equivalent of the huge dong you saw drawn on a bathroom wall last week with the words “Penisaurus Rex” below it in Sharpie, only they’re considered cultural monuments because they’re old. Despite the fact that historians have discovered that our comparison is pretty apt and cave art is basically just graffiti drawn by teenage cavemen, it’s considered important to our understanding of the past and is generally protected by laws and whatnot. So imagine how annoyed French officials were when some kids in a youth group accidentally cleaned a bunch of it off a wall.
The move completely stunned officials who were at a loss to how the kids accidentally cleaned something several thousand years old while scrubbing poorly drawn, anatomically incorrect penises from the rock. When asked how the hell they accidentally destroyed something that had survived untouched for 15,000 years, the head of the youth group heroically blamed officials for improperly signposting the artwork. Because of course, it’s clearly the fault of the people in charge of protecting drawings of bison, and not the well-meaning, but ultimately ignorant morons who randomly destroyed it.
3. Tourists Blamed Syrian Refugees for Ruining Their Greek Vacations
As war has ravaged regions of the world like Syria and Afghanistan, thousands of innocent people, many of them women and children, have been forced to flee their homes and leave behind the remnants of their lives, seeking refuge in any country that will accept them. They’ve had to deal with the threat of death, starvation, and being demonized or attacked by the citizens of the countries they’re fleeing to. But all that pales in comparison to the plight of the poor white people who’ve been forced to endure looking at refugees while enjoying their vacations.
Specifically, British tourists visiting the Greek island of Kos in 2015 expressed annoyance at all the unwashed masses of human misery dirtying up their favorite vacation spot. One British couple was so offended at being forced to see poor people that they swore to an interviewer that they would never return to Greece ever again. Why? Because all the Syrian refugees lying in the street starving to death made them feel “awkward” as they shoveled in mouthfuls of kebab in overpriced Greek restaurants. Some people are so strong for being able to endure such inhuman conditions and rise above it with their heads held high, aren’t they? No easy feat when your head is planted so firmly up your own butt the entire time.
2. Westerners are Ruining the Easter Island Heads
The Easter Island heads, or moai, are a staple of pop-culture. Even if you’ve never seen one in real life, you’ve no doubt seen one in a TV show or a cartoon occupied by an anthropomorphic squid. The moai are basically the biggest tourism draw of Easter Island and are protected by international law. That hasn’t stopped tourists from climbing all over them to take selfies and generally acting disrespectful to natives. You know, standard Western tourist stuff.
The tiny island can barely support the people it already has and relies on deliveries from mainland Chile for vital supplies, so tourists already create a problem in the form of consuming resources the island can’t spare. But by far the biggest problem locals have is that tourists keep ignoring their pleas to stop rubbing their filthy Western hands all over the moai’s faces. To quote Julio Haoa, one of the guys tasked with protecting the moai:
“I say, ‘please sir, get off this site because it’s sacred,’ and they say ‘no, I came all the way over here and paid a lot of money to see them.’ They think that gives them the right to do what they want.”
1. The Town of Bibury and the Banana-Mobile
We’ve probably been a little harsh to westerners and white people in this article, so for the last entry lets shake things up a bit and talk about an old white guy ruining things for obnoxious, camera-toting tourists, with a bright yellow car.
The village of Bibury, in Britain, is considered to be among the most picturesque places in the entire country. The small, medieval cottages that occupy it are noted as being “the most-photographed ‘ordinary’ dwellings in Britain.” The buildings are considered historic monuments and their appearance is strictly regulated by the National Trust so that they look basically the same as they did when they were built, 700 years ago. As a result, thousands of tourists come to the village and take pictures of them for their blogs and stuff.
In early 2015, though, tourists flocking to the village, hoping to grab a snap of the quaint hamlet, were enraged to discover that someone living in Bibury bought a bright yellow car and made a habit of parking it right where most tourists took photos. This, of course, made it look like the medieval village had been visited by the world’s least subtle time traveller. The same tourists then did what came naturally and complained endlessly about it on Twitter.
The car, as it turned out, belonged to a legend and hero called Peter Maddox, an 81-year-old man who fell in love with the car and bought it so he could buy groceries. But here’s the best part: the residents of Bibury have no problem with Peter’s car, mostly because it annoys the tourists who come to their village and walk around like they own the place. That’s not hyperbole, by the way. Residents of Bibury have noted that tourists sometimes walk into their homes and peer through their windows and act indignant when they get asked to leave, so they probably took a great deal of pleasure in how much the banana-mobile annoys them. We think we’ll end on a quote from a Bibury resident:
“This is absolutely ridiculous. There are more important things in life.”