It’s the holiday season, and if you’re anything like us you’re struggling to come up with that perfect gift for a certain someone in your life. Maybe it’s your wife, who refuses to give you any hints and is still mad about the vacuum cleaner from last year. Maybe it’s your best friend, who’s vastly more successful than you are and has everything he needs, including your simmering envy and scorn. Well, good news! The internet is littered with an ungodly amount of merchandise you’d never expect anyone to buy, let alone sell.
So if you’re still rushing for that perfect last minute gift, boy… have we got some ideas for you.
10. Teeth
We’re going to start our outside-the-box thinking with something you may only normally consider if you dabble in serial murder: actual human teeth. Back in the day, it was eBay that dominated the “buy weird and creepy crap” market but Etsy has been coming on strong over the past couple years. And just to save you the suspense: yes, we’ll be revisiting Etsy shortly.
Now, we’re sure that buying teeth is probably totally normal to some people. Maybe, for example, you’ve got an artist friend who likes to work outside the traditional mediums. Instead of oils or clay, he uses… molars and canines? We’re sure he’s very good, though, and it wasn’t at all a mistake for him to quit his job as an accountant to pursue his creative vision full-time. And now you can become an enabler and supply him with more teeth than he’ll ever need, at a relatively affordable cost. Think of it this way: if you give him the teeth, he’ll probably spare you should he ever decide to… “farm” some on his own…
9. UFO Detector
The truth is out there, and so are aliens. Maybe. Honestly, they probably are but chances are pretty slim they’re going to be knocking on our doors anytime soon. But if they do ultimately visit Earth in general, and your neighborhood in particular, you want to be prepared, and you want your friends and family to be prepared, too. That’s where the UFO Detector–which is actually available (and eligible for Prime!) on Amazon–comes in.
For the low, low price of around $90 you’ll be able to detect that there are zero UFOs in your neighborhood. Unfortunately, you won’t be able to detect that you got absolutely swindled until it’s far too late, and odds are you’ll be too lazy to try to get a refund. Oh well, it’s the thought that counts.
8. Dead Mice Having Sex
What’s the perfect gift to show how much you care, and how unapologetically creepy you are? Why, real dead mice posed in sexually suggestive positions, of course.
We’re going to need a moment to figure this one out, because it’s so beyond bizarre and straight into borderline terrifying it’s insane. We know that taxidermy is a hobby many people enjoy, and typically, there’s nothing wrong with it. However, we’re more than a little suspicious of anyone who takes a dead rat, stuffs it, and poses it like a farmer about to sexually assault a sheep. Forget what Obi-Wan told Luke about Mos Eisley; apparently it’s Etsy is where you’ll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. Anyway, happy gift hunting, and good luck with the whole “supplying whoever created this monstrosity your home address” thing!
7. Their Favorite Celebrity
Alright, so you can’t actually buy a celebrity, or a human in general, on the internet. (And you shouldn’t buy one anyplace else, either… Carl.) Either way, if you want to act like a big-shot or have a family member who’s just dying to meet Cher but can’t get around the red tape of his restraining order, Millionaire’s Concierge is the answer. Well, probably not with that second part. Sorry, we don’t make the rules. The judge who ordered you to stay away from Cher does.
Hiring a celebrity for your best friend is easy and… well, not remotely cheap. Hiring for an enemy works, too. If you’ve always had it in for Conan O’Brien, for example, you can rent out Jay Leno for the paltry sum of thousands upon thousands of dollars. Probably not worth it, but if you’ve got more money than you know what to do with, renting a celebrity is a surefire way to prove money really can’t buy happiness no matter how much you wish it would.
6. Urine
If you’re anything like us, you wake up in the morning and unleash one heck of a stream of pee, preferably into an actual toilet. You drink some water, or maybe some Coke or, if you’re feeling feisty, a Royal Crown Cola, and repeat the process a little while later. Throughout the day, you produce an item–for free!–and just flush it away. You know what you could be doing with all that urine? Making bank, that’s what.
That’s because, believe it or not, people will pay pretty handsomely for pee. Clean pee, that is. Head to the website Urine the Clear and, well, based on the name you can probably guess who this particular “gift” is marketed toward. If you’ve got that weed-loving friend who’s got a pesky drug test he’s got to beat in order to keep his job, this will be the best present you could ever give him. Other than more weed, of course.
By the way, we’ll come back to bodily functions in just a little bit.
5. Tanks
Have you ever thought to yourself, “What if Russia invaded my living room?” Sure you have. Who hasn’t? If Red Dawn Mortar Investments taught us anything, it’s that we need to be vigilant against invading forces in the middle of nowhere. Fortunately, the internet has provided a valuable resource in the defense against armed intruders: at , you can actually buy real, honest-to-god tanks.
“But surely, we’d never need that much firepower,” we hear you saying. (This is a casual reminder: we’ve planted listening devices all around your house.) Well, we’ve got news for you: when a regiment that’s 10,000 strong comes knocking on your front door, do you want to be left standing there, lamely holding a rolling pin? Come on, friend–we all know that rolling pin will be useless against such an enemy. Well, unless you can come to peaceful terms over baked goods. Anyway, these tanks will do the job of protecting you from Russian armies and also just look really intimidating in your yard should any neighborhood punks so much as think about toilet papering your house on Halloween.
4. Uranium
A tank not enough to keep you safe or–dare we suggest–enforce your domination over the neighbors? Well, you’re in luck: now your ambition can expand to the nuclear variety! While other people are making resolutions about losing weight or saving money, you can resolve to become a global power!
Well, not really. But if you want to play around with radioactive material (maybe you’re looking to become a superhero or, even more fun, a supervillain?), it’s actually pretty easy to obtain actual uranium ore online. How easy? You can get it on freakin’ Amazon. We’re not exactly sure what you’d want to do with it when it arrives, and we’re not sure we want to know. It’s probably available for sale for science experiments, though if you’re giving this to your 12-year-old for the science fair, we’ve got serious concerns about your parenting. Either way, it’s surprisingly cheap to buy, and we look forward to the news broadcasts of your giant, mutated, rampaging cat wreaking havoc on your community.
3. Poop
Now, not everyone on your Christmas shopping list deserves to get something fun, like radioactive material or a giant vehicle of death and destruction. Some people might be, to borrow a phrase from a jolly fat man who likes wearing red velour suits and enticing children to sit on his lap, a bit naughty. And for those people that deserve worse than coal (it’s an energy source, so it’s still practical!), you can always send them a box of actual poop.
Obviously, if you wanted to save money you could just take a dump in a bag and leave it on their doorstep with a festive bow. But sometimes you want to get a little exotic, and that’s where Poop Senders comes in. You don’t have to be content with something as boring as human poop, or cat poop, or even the old classic, dog turds. Now, you can tell your boss (anonymously, of course) what you really think about him with some delightful elephant or gorilla dung. Sure, it lacks the personal touch of breaking into his house and leaving an upper-decker in his master bathroom, but it also comes with a considerably smaller chance of being arrested.
2. Human Skulls
We all know that one theater nerd who is super into Shakespeare. They’re always going on and on about the bard and how wonderful his writing is, pointing you toward lists on terrific websites that lay out just how much of the English language he created. Well, if that friend is a true fan of Big Willie Shakes, they’re going to want to be able to act out their favorite scenes with as much authenticity as possible. Like, for instance, the famous scene in Hamlet, with Yorick’s skull.
Most people perform the play with a cheap plastic skull, but that’s not good enough for your good friend. No no–they’ve got to have the genuine article. Obviously, that means sending them an actual human skull from a website called The Bone Room, which sounds like a completely different type of website that you’d usually open up an incognito browser page to visit. But it’s actually a purveyor of real human skulls, because that’s apparently a thing even non-Hamlet enthusiasts are hot after (yes, we know it’s mostly for medical/educational/scientific purposes, but it’s still weird). We won’t ask questions, and we definitely don’t want to know where the skulls are obtained. All we know is that, if we go missing and a beautiful, fresh skull pops up for sale, we’d suggest using it as a beer goblet.
1. Lunar Real Estate
For a lot of people, you aren’t really a successful adult until you own land. Generally that would mean a house in the suburbs, or a farm, or a little cottage on the beach. But why stop there? That’s the kind of thing your brother-in-law would boast about. And you know you can outdo him, right? So go on… buy a piece of… THE MOON.
Yeah, we’re talking about Earth’s actual moon. Obviously, you’ll probably never be able to set foot on your newly acquired (and shockingly affordable!) property, but should the occasion arise when you or someone you love needs to construct an evil moon lair, you’ll already have the space to work with. Lunar Land, which sounds more like an amusement park than a company, will happily sell you an acre of property on the Moon for… wait, $30? That’s it? Huh. This may be veering more into “cool” than “weird.”
No, it’s still weird.
1 Comment
#2 It was Yorick’s skull. Hamlet was talking to Horatio.