Few, if any, nations in all of history have been more isolated than North Korea. The government of the benighted country presents itself as socialist, though in truth it is a cult of personality operating as a dictatorship along fascist lines. It controls all aspects of life, feeding its subjects a steady diet of falsehoods. These both condemn the outside world and exhort the greatness of the Korean people, whose brethren in the South are presented as enslaved by the evil Americans.
North Koreans are told of their supremacy over all races. They are claimed to be the “purest” race in the world, superior in all ways to all others. The state-controlled media presents daily examples of their superiority, in all fields of human endeavor, nearly all of which are lies. Unchallenged, the lies are widely accepted and believed by North Koreans. Here are just a few of the lies presented to the people of North Korea by its leaders, some of which may be considered funny, if not for the dangers they present to the rest of the world.
10. North Korean doctors and scientists created a miracle drug which cures many deadly diseases
In the spring of 2015, North Korea’s “beloved leader” Kim Jong-un, announced a medical breakthrough of astonishing dimensions. A single drug, developed by scientists and researchers in North Korean laboratories, had proven effective in curing cancer, AIDS, Ebola, and other diseases. Only the North Koreans possessed the wonder drug, which contained an undefined combination of ingredients, among them ginseng. According to the North Korean doctors, a study they conducted in Africa resulted in 100% improvement in AIDS cases who received the miracle drug via intravenous injection
The results of the study and the claimed effectiveness of the new drug were announced as the people of North Korea endured one of the most damaging famines in the nation’s history. The famine occurred as a result of a severe drought, which generated crop failures and widespread starvation. The announcement of the miracle drug came from the Korean Central News Agency, the official mouthpiece of the Kim Jong-un regime, as well as those of his father and grandfather. It claimed the drug had proven effective against other viruses as well, including those which led to SARS and MERS.
9. At one time it was believed that Kim Jong Un had no need for a toilet
Throughout history there has been no shortage of world leaders convinced that their feces possessed no disagreeable aroma. Kim Jong-un took the belief a step further. For many years it was claimed the Supreme Leader had no need to defecate at all. The ability to presumably completely digest all the foods eaten represented his near god-like abilities. In the fall of 2015, North Korean authorities confirmed otherwise, when it was revealed Kim traveled about the country with a personal toilet included among the vehicles of his entourage.
The personal toilet ensures that the Supreme Leader’s backside need not come into contact with a seat previously occupied by a presumably lesser entity. Its use is prohibited to all others, regardless of rank and social standing, with the potential of the death penalty for defiling Kim’s personal seat. The longstanding lie that Kim did not need to resort to the least dignified of human functions was replaced with his personal toilet, which is always present nearby should nature call as he goes about his daily routines in public.
8. Kim Jong-un could drive an automobile at the age of three
North Korean school textbooks include the information that the Supreme Leader learned to drive an automobile at the age of three. The dubious assertion entered North Korean school curricula as part of a program known as Kim Jong Un’s Revolutionary Activities in 2015, presented to grade and middle school level students. Other “proofs” of Kim’s presumed superiority over mere mortals include astonishing seamanship skills and athletic prowess. The text places Kim in a status alongside his father, Kim Jong Il, and grandfather, Kim Il Sung, the father of North Korea.
According to North Korean claims, Kim Jong Il scored nine holes in one during a round of golf. Perhaps it was simply beginner’s luck, since it purportedly occurred during the first round the former Supreme Leader ever played. North Korean students learn that Kim is a musical composer of Mozartian ability, an artist of similar excellence, and once defeated the president of a yacht company in a sailing race. According to the text, Kim was nine years of age when he achieved his yachting triumph.
7. Kim Jong-un believes in unicorns, so North Korean experts found proof of their existence
Kim Jong-un believes in the existence of unicorns, which by itself is a harmless, though somewhat eccentric, position for a world leader. Yet in North Korea, since he believes it, they exist. Or at least they once existed. In November, 2012, the Korean Central News Agency (KCNA), official mouthpiece for the North Korean regime, announced the discovery of the lair for unicorns dating to the 10th century CE. It was conveniently labeled “Unicorn Lair” in words carved in stone, near the North Korean capital of Pyongyang. Archaeologists from the History Institute of North Korea confirmed the finding.
According to North Korean mythology, King Tongmyong rode unicorns during his conquests of regions of ancient China and Korea, establishing a dynasty which ruled for nearly one thousand years. The confirmation of the existence of unicorns in Korean history furthered the reputation for veracity held by the Supreme Leader, who long believed in their existence. According to the KCNA, the discovery of the unicorn lair also confirmed Pyongyang as the ancient capital of all the Korean people, rather than Seoul in the south.
6. Kim Jong Un can control the weather
In addition to his more mundane talents, in 2017 Kim revealed to the world his ability to control the weather. The announcement came, as so many others did, through the Korean Central News Agency. Kim demonstrated his capability in late 2017, when he ascended a mountain which normally presented blizzard conditions at that time of year. Kim had himself photographed at the summit in bright sun and pleasant breezes, proving to his people (and the rest of the world) that the weather bent itself to his will.
The KCNA did not mince words, describing Kim as the man “who controls the nature”. One can be forgiven for wondering how famine inducing droughts persist in a country where the leader controls the weather, but who knows? The mountain in which Kim demonstrated his weather control was previously claimed to be the birthplace of his father, Kim Jong-il. He claimed his birth was marked by the weather, which honored it with the presentation of a double rainbow.
5. Kim Jong-il wrote over 1,500 books while a student in college
According to the official biography of Kim Jong-il, father of Kim Jong-un, he was particularly prolific during his days as a student at Kim Sung-il University (named for his father). Before graduating in 1964, Kim reportedly authored more than 1,500 books. Not content with mere scribbling, Kim also composed at least six full operas, “all of which are better than any in the history of music.” At least one of his massive library of works was a book about opera, Kim Jong-il on the Art of Opera, which is available for the less enlightened on Amazon and other sites. In it, Kim makes the astoundingly astute observation that, “In the first place, an opera singer must sing well”.
Unfortunately, the bulk of Kim’s literary output is evidently unavailable, though his official biography claims that all 1,500 books are held by the state library. Scores, perhaps hundreds of treatises and books attributed to Kim have been published by North Korean sources, including one which if accurately attributed would have been written when the author was but eleven years of age. According to KCNA, Kim’s work has been translated into “nearly seventy languages” and printed in more than 80 countries in the 21st century alone.
4. Kim Jong-il was a formidable athlete, according to North Korean sources
The world record for 18 holes of golf, according to North Korea, is a score of 34, accomplished by Kim Jong-il in the 1990s. The round included eleven holes-in-one, and on no hole did he score higher than a birdie, or one under par. North Korean sources make the claim with a straight face, indicating the former Dear Leader was obviously the most skilled duffer of all time. It was his first ever round of golf, further indicating his athletic prowess
In 1994 a Japan-based Korean businesswoman allegedly donated a 40-lane bowling alley to the citizens of Pyongyang. Named Pyongyang Gold Lane, it was visited by Kim Il Sung and later by his son, Kim Jong-il. The latter tried the game of bowling. According to KCNA, Kim completed a perfect game, rolling a score of 300, in his first attempt at bowling. Kim later received a basketball signed by Michael Jordan, a gift from Madeleine Albright in 2000. The following year he invited Jordan to visit the country, which Michael declined.
3. North Korea invented alcoholic beverages which don’t cause hangovers
In early 2016, the Pyongyang Times reported that North Korea’s intrepid scientists had created an alcoholic beverage which did not cause hangovers, no matter how much was consumed. It was created from the same ginseng which also yielded the aforementioned cure for AIDS and cancer. Evidently the strain, called insam and indigenous to the Korean Peninsula, is a truly wondrous plant. For drinking purposes, the insam is brewed with rice, yielding a beverage which contains up to 40% alcohol (80 proof).
According to the Pyongyang Times the resulting beverage “is highly appreciated by experts and lovers as it is suave and causes no hangovers.” The paper also described the beverage as a “national scientific and technological hit.” Others who have tried the beverage were less laudatory, with the UK based North Korean News website describing it as merely okay. Its ability to prevent hangovers in consumers is unproven.
2. Nature itself mourned the death of Kim Jong-il
When Kim Jong Il died in December 2011, the KCNA reported nature reacted by mourning the loss of the man known as the Dear Leader (to differentiate him from his father, the Great Leader). According to KCNA the frozen surface of Lake Chon cracked violently at the time of Kim’s death. A severe blizzard struck near Kim’s alleged birthplace at the time of his death, Mount Paektu. KCNA also reported a message carved in the rock of the mountain appeared, which glowed throughout the night. The message read, “Mount Paektu, holy mountain of revolution. Kim Jong Il.”
Other sources claimed mourning among the birds, especially magpies. KCNA wrote of a Manchurian Crane mourning at a statue of the Great Leader, Kim’s father, in the North Korean city of Hamhung. KCNA described the ice shattering on Lake Chon as “so loud, it seemed to shake the heavens and the earth.” And the sorrowful magpies allegedly resisted the efforts of citizens to disperse them, gathering around memorials and statues by the dozens.
1. North Korea is the second happiest country on Earth
According to the KCNA, studies conducted by researchers (based in North Korea, of course) indicate North Korea is the second happiest country in the world, surpassed in domestic bliss only by China. The same researchers claim the United States, home of fearsome imperialists, ranks dead last. The standards used to gauge the relative happiness of the countries was unreported, though North Koreans are repeatedly reminded that food is plentiful (it is not), and that their standards of living are high (they are not).
Truth be told, the United States doesn’t appear on the list. Instead, the North Korean researchers referred to it as “The American Empire.” North Korea’s neighbor to the south is also low on the list, indicating only half of the Korean Peninsula is happy, in their estimation. Cuba, Iran, and Venezuela round out the top five happiest countries. The only real surprise in the list is that the North Koreans would deign to rank China above the country ruled by their Supreme Leader, a man the United Nations Human Rights Council suggested should be brought to trial for crimes against humanity. Apparently, North Koreans are simply too happy to care.