Beethoven Used to Have Piano Duels and They Were Awesome


Beethoven’s mastery of the piano has long been rumored as the reason women started sitting with crossed legs, lest their bodies see his hands effortlessly gliding across the keyboard and immediately force their lower half to explode towards him. He was so gifted on the piano that the sound of an angel’s orgasm couldn’t compete with the sweet melodies he could make the instrument produce. So challenging Beethoven to a piano duel ranks as one of the stupidest things one could do in 18th century Vienna next to lightly slapping the aristocracy. Daniel Steibelt was a man that stupid.

Though he was arguably a fantastically skilled pianist in his own right, Steibelt’s was still challenging a man with hands so nimble women’s bra straps were an endangered species in the area directly surrounding him. When the two men met in the salon of a noblemen (not a euphemism) to conduct the challenge, tensions were understandably high. As he was the challenger, Steibelt was asked to lay down the first phat beat. Wanting to embarrass Beethoven as much as he could, Steibelt pulled out a piece of sheet music and played the most difficult piece he’d ever composed.

"Cute. Steibelt, honestly, it's adorable" - Beethoven, probably.

“Cute. Steibelt, honestly, it’s adorable” – Beethoven, probably.

This display of skill and piano virtuosity impressed everyone in the room, except for Beethoven. When the cheers of the crowd finally died down, Beethoven walked to the piano, picked up Steibelts sheet music, then turned it upside down. He then proceeded to play the exact same piece of music, only with more flourishes and speed. Incensed Steibelt stormed off and never returned to Vienna. That’s right, Beethoven was so boss on the piano, people literally rage quit when playing against him. Noobs.


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