Onions are like a cruel joke from god, they’re an inanimate object incapable of feeling pain that makes you cry when you stab it with a knife. They’re also dull as all hell. So it may surprise you to learn that one of the most evil businessmen in history used them to make millions at the expense of others, unless you read the title of this piece before reading this sentence or something. Vincent Kosuga was a simple onion farmer in the early part of the 1900’s when he realised that he could make more money if instead of growing onions, he bought and sold them on the futures market. For those of you who are curious, futures basically means buying a product in the future for an agreed price in the hopes that when you receive it, the cost of said item has gone up. But we digress, after setting his sights on an onion gilded future, Kosuga went out and bought every onion he could get his hands on and had them all shipped to Chicago.
You may think that buying millions of onions isn’t an overly evil thing to do, creepy and weird as shit but not evil. Well Kosuga was just getting started. From his ever growing onion shaped throne Kosuga was able to force venders to stock the crap out of his and only his onions, by threatening to cripple them by flooding the market with millions of dirt apples. Once fear had been sucessfully established, Kosuga then began slowly driving every other onion salesmen and farmer out of business, because screw competition. Eventually Kosuga had a whopping 98% share of every onion sale in Chicago, with virtually no competition to stop him him, Kosuga was able to manipulate the price of onions at his leisure and quickly became a millionaire trading onion futures. The final kicker was that many onion famers were left with millions of worthless onions that they, themselves had to pay to dispose of. Presumably while Kosuga smoked and onion shaped cigar and laughed at their misfortune.
Kosuga gamed the system so hard that buying onion futures is now illegal, that’s right, Kosuga commited a crime, before it existed. Because being evil means you have to stay ahead of the curve.