Top 10 Trashiest Christmas Gifts for Him

I used to have one of the items on this list painted on my bass guitar case – a gift from an ex-boyfriend. I confess this to prevent readers from getting their cartoon boxers in a knot as they try to justify how classy they really are.

10. Trucker Style Accessories

First let me point out that truckers are not trashy. They are often owner-operators who work long hours to support their families. At this time of the year they are right up there with Santa’s elves: making sure we get our parcels, our turkeys, and our toys.

The following items, however, are certainly trashy – particularly if they under your tree this year and you do not have a truck.

I have placed these items at number ten because I like them and it’s my list.

Mud Flap Girls

These shiny buxom ladies always travel in pairs on the back of a truck but you can also wear one as a pendant on a necklace, on a hat, socks, or even on your boxers.

According to Wikipedia, “This famous character was created in the 1970s by Bill Zinda of Wiz Enterprises in Long Beach, California, to promote his line of truck and auto accessories. It was based on Leta Laroe, a famous exotic dancer at the time.” Sweeeeeet, just when you didn’t think they could get trashier.

Trucker Hat

If you are buying this because you think it’s trendy you’re not trashy – you just need a time machine to take you back to when they were ironically cool. Anyone else who is wearing a trucker hat and is not a trucker is just trashy. As soon as I picture one of these hats my nose tingles as if it has just inhaled some sinus burning B.O.

While we’re at it, except for special circumstances, it is also quite trashy to wear a cowboy hat or a SWAT shirt unless it’s for practical purposes (example: your SWAT team is storming a cattle ranch).

Huge Decorative Belt Buckle

Hank Williams Junior collects these like Jay Leno collects cars and if there was ever a poster boy for trashy, Hank is it.

I guess when Madonna and other celebrities started wearing them it made big, shiny belt buckles kind of cool but I think it’s way cooler to wear one and be proud of how trashy you are.

Buckle designs of choice: animals, truck companies, and (of course) ‘Keep on Truckin’!

9. Flames

These flames used to be cool and even edgy but now they are all over everything and all over the trashy sections of large discount retail super stores. With the following exceptions, I think the only way flames should adorn anything is if the item is actually on fire.

Exceptions I can think of:
•    Vintage Cars and Motorcycles
•    Tattoos
•    Professional Team Uniforms

8. Cartoon-Themed Boxer Shorts or Pyjama Pants

I am a big fan of Family Guy, The Simpsons, and I can tolerate King of the Hill but why do men want to wear these characters all over their bodies? Do they secretly hope for cartoon dreams starring Lois, Marge and Peggy? Perhaps they think that images of Peter, Homer and Hank will make them look good in comparison? I think perhaps they identify with these characters because they actually look very similar. Their wives probably don’t need the reminder…

7. Reality TV Licensed Products and Apparel

These are so trashy they deserve their own spot on this top ten.

Orange County Chopper Apparel

Designated as trashy by the sheer amount of licensing – this stuff is everywhere. Seriously trashy – an Orange County Choppers Pocket Knife.

Biggest Loser Weigh Scale with Exercise DVD

My bathroom scale’s limit is 250 pounds and I’m wondering if these go higher to accommodate those with the biggest amounts to lose?

American Idol

An American Idol book may be a bit optimistic since we already know that the fans would rather sit around watching TV. At least have the energy to go down to your local karaoke bar and watch some live action. Better yet, go support some local independent bands while they play some original songwriting! Or, best yet – go buy yourself a guitar or take some singing lessons and stop watching other people do stuff!

6. Specialized T Shirts

“Funny”

The really trashy shirts are obviously supposed to be funny but the joke is so old that they’re not funny any more but not old enough to be cool. Also in this category: shirts that are supposed to be funny but are actually offensive.

Tourist T Shirts

Also belonging in this category: a t-shirt featuring a city that has a funny slogan. “I caught crabs in Halifax” or “Alaska: Send More Tourists!” (with a picture of  fat cartoon bears).

Super-Trashy-Fragilistic-Espi-Ali-Docious

A t-shirt if you actually live in the city the shirt is advertising

5. Five Finger Discount

Merry Shopliftmas

It doesn’t matter what it is, if you walked out of the store without paying for it, it’s a trashy gift.

Sticky Finger Souvenir

This is trashier because the item you are taking doesn’t even have a price tag. For example, if you sneak a set of beer mugs out of the local bar and give them to your man. The only time this is justified is if he stole a hanging flower basket from the trailer next door and gave it to you as an anniversary gift. In that case, this is all he deserves.

4. Six pack of beer, corn chips, and a playboy magazine

Six pack of beer: $6.00. Corn Chips: $1.49. Playboy Magazine: $4.50. Getting all your Christmas Shopping done at the local 7-11? Priceless.

3. Medicated Gold Bond Itch Powder

When showering doesn’t help (or just doesn’t happen) you can apply this powder to stop your man from scratching and stinking at the dinner table. This gets points for practical but it’s still trashy.

2. Lap dance

Not a lap dance you personally provide but one you purchase for him while you celebrate Christmas Eve at a strip club. Classy.

1. Paternity Test

Maybe do this early and the presents he puts under the tree for little Johnny will be better this year.

Originally published here in December 2008.