Decades from now, our grandchildren will wonder why our generation was so obsessed with bacon. And we won’t be able to tell them, because we’ll all be dead from eating the following culinary atrocities.
10. Bacon Chocolate Chip Cookies
Bacon goes with dessert like oil goes with calculus—it’s not just that they don’t go together, it’s that combining them doesn’t make any sense. Meat isn’t dessert, it’s what you eat before dessert. Anyone who doesn’t understand that is still being sent to bed early for demanding cookies before finishing their vegetables.
The insane popularity of bacon has led to it being added to entirely new categories of food, categories where it simply does not belong. “But it’s bacon, it’s delicious on anything!!!1!1!” protests the ravening hordes of the Internet, typing slowly so their flabby fingers don’t produce gibberish. Guess what, guys? Lots of food that isn’t bacon is delicious, too! Let’s enjoy some of those for dessert instead of trying to cram dead pig into every course of our meal.
9. Bacon Sundae
No. No. What did we just say? And this isn’t even a homemade recipe—the bacon sundae comes to us courtesy of Denny’s. That’s right, they somehow found a way to make the meals consumed at three in the morning by drunk college students even worse for them.
Pro-tip, Denny’s: if your ad campaign thinks the first reaction to your new product will be “you did what?” you haven’t made a good product. “You did what?” isn’t what people say after you invent a culinary triumph; it’s what they say after you tell them you firebombed a mosque. If that conversation doesn’t end with an argument or a 911 call, it’s because you killed the person who asked.
Not to be outdone by Denny’s’ food sorcerers, Burger King introduced their own bacon sundae. It sports both crumbled bacon and an entire strip as a garnish, starting a bacon sundae arms race that will only end when some mad scientist finds a way to crossbreed cows with pigs and produce bacon cream.
8. Bacon Vodka
Obese alcoholics, your time has come. At long last, you can combine your two passions with bacon vodka, the only vodka even Russians would think twice about drinking.
Bacon vodka has actually been well received by alcohol critics, somehow, and has even won awards. They cite its “robust, meaty aroma,” call it “clean and slightly sweet” and praise its IT’S BACON FREAKING VODKA WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE. It tastes like a pig died in an abandoned potato patch and the whole mess fermented.
7. Bacon Soda
So after one too many mornings of waking up in a pig sty with a pounding headache and vague memories of shameful deeds, you decide to quit boozing, but you just can’t give up the taste of a meaty drink. Luckily for you, and unluckily for everyone else, you can get your hands on some bacon soda. Now non-drinkers and children can enjoy the taste of liquid bacon too, although we actually think it would be better for kids to drink alcohol instead of this crap.
Their self-congratulatory description makes them sound like geniuses for daring to combine bacon with soda, as if they were rebelling against society’s restrictive food norms instead of being the thousandth company to make a weird bacon product. But we guess they needed some way to gloss over the fact that you’re giving them five bucks for a bottle of sugar and bacon flavoring. Just pour some bacon bits into your Pepsi and save your money; it would probably taste better anyway. It wouldn’t taste, you know, good, but better.
Inside the cone of bacon (which, incidentally, sounds like a spell an obese mage would cast,) is cheese, hash browns and scrambled eggs. On top is a biscuit, usually smothered in gravy for that extra dose of disgusting.
To be fair, the bacone isn’t any worse for you than a regular breakfast of bacon and eggs. But how impatient do you have to be to eat bacon that you can’t wait for a plate to be located before you start chowing down? Cutlery is what separates us from savages that cram food into their mouths by the fistful. Just imagine biting into one of these — it would be a mess. The average person can barely eat an ice cream cone with getting their hands all sticky; we don’t want to see your fingers coated in gravy and chunks of egg. We’d like to introduce the inventor of the bacone to this great new innovation called a fork.
5. Bacon Weave Apple Pie
There’s nothing more American than apple pie and obesity, or so the logic behind bacon apple pie went. Presumably after eating this you go outside and toss around a baseball coated in grease, and then watch a fat bald eagle have a heart attack.
That’s bacon ice cream on top, by the way, because of course it is. We assume the crust is also infused with bacon, and the apples contain bacon, and the cinnamon is bacon bits, and it’s going to be served on a plate of bacon and washed down with a nice cold glass of bacon, and as we drink our bacon we will try and remember a time when everything wasn’t bacon, but we will fail because our hearts and minds will have turned to bacon.
4. Chocolate Covered Bacon
Chocolate bacon is the common cold of bacon recipes—each one is a little different, but all of them are unpleasant.
You can coat the whole piece of bacon in chocolate, dip the bacon, wrap raw bacon around a cube of chocolate and cook it to get a gooey centre, you can drizzle melted chocolate over the bacon, and you can even get bacon chocolate bars. You can then top the bacon with salt, nuts or, most likely, bacon bits. Or you could just eat chocolate and bacon separately. Remember when we used to do that? Anyone?
3. Fool’s Gold Loaf
Fool’s gold loaf was one of Elvis’ favorite foods, and if you know anything about the King’s dinner habits, your heart has already clenched up a bit. As the name implies, it’s made with an entire loaf of bread. The loaf is hollowed out, filled with a jar of peanut butter, a jar of grape jelly and a pound of bacon, and served with Dom Pérignon for that extra touch of class. Basically, it’s like your childhood PB&Js came back for revenge.
The fact that no one has ever used the phrase “As skinny as Presley” should tell you all you need to know about the health effects of this monstrosity. Just a year before he permanently checked into the Heart Attack Hotel, Elvis actually flew from Graceland to Denver (where the sandwich originated) in the middle of the night to satisfy a craving. We’re surprised his pilot wasn’t later charged with assisting a suicide. Elvis could have walked to Denver and he still would have gained calories.
And on that note, why did he have to fly to Denver for a freakin’ sandwich? He was Elvis. He couldn’t have woken up one of his aides and just had them make him one? Or was it a case of “well, we was all outta jelluh, ‘n ah dinwanna go to the stoh at 3 in the morn, so ah jus’ flew to Denva baybeh”? Rock star logic is the best.
2. Krispy Kreme Bacon Cheeseburger
The Krispy Kreme bacon cheeseburger was invented by carnies after they realized it would be easier to kill their customers and rob them than to wait for them to waste all their money on rigged games and poorly-maintained rides. It is to eating what being chased by a chainsaw-wielding maniac is to exercise—it technically gets the job done, but in the end it’s going to kill you.
The burger has been making the rounds through state fairs, minor league baseball parks and the circles of Hell. We won’t deny that a bacon cheeseburger every now and then is delicious, but if you’re slapping your bacon between donuts you should seek help. From a doctor, a therapist, a Cub Scout, anyone. Some places even offer the choice of having the donuts deep-fried first, as part of a combo that includes a pre-filled death certificate.
1. Bacon Explosion
This is it, ladies and gentlemen. This is why the terrorists hate us. This is what leads to the decline of Western civilization. Behold the bacon explosion, and lament.
What you’re looking at is bacon wrapped in sausage wrapped in bacon smothered in BBQ sauce. Yes, it is normal to have heart palpations just from reading that. Nutritionists look at it and turn to ash. The number of calories in a serving is “all of them.” The first bite tastes like pig farm, and the second bite tastes like buying the farm.
You can have a bacon explosion shipped to you for $35 and your dignity, or you can use a recipe to make one yourself. The problem is that anyone who wants to eat one considers putting on their muumuu to be a workout. If they actually tried to cook a meal they’d go into cardiac arrest simply from opening the kitchen cupboards.
The bacon explosion comes in original, jalapeño, cheese, and the tears of the malnourished. For an extra $15 you can also get a “pig porter,” a special carrying sleeve for your bacon explosion, because we don’t know a better way to tell the aliens that they’re welcome to show up and destroy us.
You can read more from Mark at his website.