Top 10 Disgusting Attempts To Mix Bacon With Other Foods

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Decades from now, our grandchildren will wonder why our generation was so obsessed with bacon. And we won’t be able to tell them, because we’ll all be dead from eating the following culinary atrocities.

10. Bacon Chocolate Chip Cookies

Bacon goes with dessert like oil goes with calculus—it’s not just that they don’t go together, it’s that combining them doesn’t make any sense. Meat isn’t dessert, it’s what you eat before dessert. Anyone who doesn’t understand that is still being sent to bed early for demanding cookies before finishing their vegetables.

bacon-cookies

Although thanks to the bacon craze it’s now “no vegetables until you finish your sugary grease!”

The insane popularity of bacon has led to it being added to entirely new categories of food, categories where it simply does not belong. “But it’s bacon, it’s delicious on anything!!!1!1!” protests the ravening hordes of the Internet, typing slowly so their flabby fingers don’t produce gibberish. Guess what, guys? Lots of food that isn’t bacon is delicious, too! Let’s enjoy some of those for dessert instead of trying to cram dead pig into every course of our meal.

9. Bacon Sundae

bacon-sundae

No. No. What did we just say? And this isn’t even a homemade recipe—the bacon sundae comes to us courtesy of Denny’s. That’s right, they somehow found a way to make the meals consumed at three in the morning by drunk college students even worse for them.

Pro-tip, Denny’s: if your ad campaign thinks the first reaction to your new product will be “you did what?” you haven’t made a good product. “You did what?” isn’t what people say after you invent a culinary triumph; it’s what they say after you tell them you firebombed a mosque. If that conversation doesn’t end with an argument or a 911 call, it’s because you killed the person who asked.

Not to be outdone by Denny’s’ food sorcerers, Burger King introduced their own bacon sundae. It sports both crumbled bacon and an entire strip as a garnish, starting a bacon sundae arms race that will only end when some mad scientist finds a way to crossbreed cows with pigs and produce bacon cream.

bk-bacon-sundae

Apparently Burger King’s motto is actually “Have it your way, lardass.”

8. Bacon Vodka

Obese alcoholics, your time has come. At long last, you can combine your two passions with bacon vodka, the only vodka even Russians would think twice about drinking.

bacon-vodka-glass

“Hey, if you want to drink pork it’s either this or pig semen” That’s probably not their slogan, but it should be.

Bacon vodka has actually been well received by alcohol critics, somehow, and has even won awards. They cite its “robust, meaty aroma,” call it “clean and slightly sweet” and praise its IT’S BACON FREAKING VODKA WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE. It tastes like a pig died in an abandoned potato patch and the whole mess fermented.

bacon-vodka-martini

“I was amazed at the mouthfeel… It was warm… tasted like I had last Sunday morning… Swallowing it clinched the deal… I had no bite…” – immaturely edited review.

7. Bacon Soda

bacon-soda

So after one too many mornings of waking up in a pig sty with a pounding headache and vague memories of shameful deeds, you decide to quit boozing, but you just can’t give up the taste of a meaty drink. Luckily for you, and unluckily for everyone else, you can get your hands on some bacon soda. Now non-drinkers and children can enjoy the taste of liquid bacon too, although we actually think it would be better for kids to drink alcohol instead of this crap.

Their self-congratulatory description makes them sound like geniuses for daring to combine bacon with soda, as if they were rebelling against society’s restrictive food norms instead of being the thousandth company to make a weird bacon product. But we guess they needed some way to gloss over the fact that you’re giving them five bucks for a bottle of sugar and bacon flavoring. Just pour some bacon bits into your Pepsi and save your money; it would probably taste better anyway. It wouldn’t taste, you know, good, but better.

6. Bacone

bacone

The bacone is what happens when breakfast goes rogue. If your morning meal was contaminated by radiation, this is what it would morph into.

Inside the cone of bacon (which, incidentally, sounds like a spell an obese mage would cast,) is cheese, hash browns and scrambled eggs. On top is a biscuit, usually smothered in gravy for that extra dose of disgusting.

To be fair, the bacone isn’t any worse for you than a regular breakfast of bacon and eggs. But how impatient do you have to be to eat bacon that you can’t wait for a plate to be located before you start chowing down? Cutlery is what separates us from savages that cram food into their mouths by the fistful. Just imagine biting into one of these — it would be a mess. The average person can barely eat an ice cream cone with getting their hands all sticky; we don’t want to see your fingers coated in gravy and chunks of egg. We’d like to introduce the inventor of the bacone to this great new innovation called a fork.

5. Bacon Weave Apple Pie

bacon-apple-pie

There’s nothing more American than apple pie and obesity, or so the logic behind bacon apple pie went. Presumably after eating this you go outside and toss around a baseball coated in grease, and then watch a fat bald eagle have a heart attack.

That’s bacon ice cream on top, by the way, because of course it is. We assume the crust is also infused with bacon, and the apples contain bacon, and the cinnamon is bacon bits, and it’s going to be served on a plate of bacon and washed down with a nice cold glass of bacon, and as we drink our bacon we will try and remember a time when everything wasn’t bacon, but we will fail because our hearts and minds will have turned to bacon.

4. Chocolate Covered Bacon

bacon-chocolate

Chocolate bacon is the common cold of bacon recipes—each one is a little different, but all of them are unpleasant.

You can coat the whole piece of bacon in chocolate, dip the bacon, wrap raw bacon around a cube of chocolate and cook it to get a gooey centre, you can drizzle melted chocolate over the bacon, and you can even get bacon chocolate bars. You can then top the bacon with salt, nuts or, most likely, bacon bits. Or you could just eat chocolate and bacon separately. Remember when we used to do that? Anyone?

3. Fool’s Gold Loaf

fools-gold-loaf

Fool’s gold loaf was one of Elvis’ favorite foods, and if you know anything about the King’s dinner habits, your heart has already clenched up a bit. As the name implies, it’s made with an entire loaf of bread. The loaf is hollowed out, filled with a jar of peanut butter, a jar of grape jelly and a pound of bacon, and served with Dom Pérignon for that extra touch of class. Basically, it’s like your childhood PB&Js came back for revenge.

The fact that no one has ever used the phrase “As skinny as Presley” should tell you all you need to know about the health effects of this monstrosity. Just a year before he permanently checked into the Heart Attack Hotel, Elvis actually flew from Graceland to Denver (where the sandwich originated) in the middle of the night to satisfy a craving. We’re surprised his pilot wasn’t later charged with assisting a suicide. Elvis could have walked to Denver and he still would have gained calories.

And on that note, why did he have to fly to Denver for a freakin’ sandwich? He was Elvis. He couldn’t have woken up one of his aides and just had them make him one? Or was it a case of “well, we was all outta jelluh, ‘n ah dinwanna go to the stoh at 3 in the morn, so ah jus’ flew to Denva baybeh”? Rock star logic is the best.

2. Krispy Kreme Bacon Cheeseburger

krisy-kreme-bacon-burger

The Krispy Kreme bacon cheeseburger was invented by carnies after they realized it would be easier to kill their customers and rob them than to wait for them to waste all their money on rigged games and poorly-maintained rides. It is to eating what being chased by a chainsaw-wielding maniac is to exercise—it technically gets the job done, but in the end it’s going to kill you.

The burger has been making the rounds through state fairs, minor league baseball parks and the circles of Hell. We won’t deny that a bacon cheeseburger every now and then is delicious, but if you’re slapping your bacon between donuts you should seek help. From a doctor, a therapist, a Cub Scout, anyone. Some places even offer the choice of having the donuts deep-fried first, as part of a combo that includes a pre-filled death certificate.

1. Bacon Explosion

This is it, ladies and gentlemen. This is why the terrorists hate us. This is what leads to the decline of Western civilization. Behold the bacon explosion, and lament.

bbq-bacon-explosion

What you’re looking at is bacon wrapped in sausage wrapped in bacon smothered in BBQ sauce. Yes, it is normal to have heart palpations just from reading that. Nutritionists look at it and turn to ash. The number of calories in a serving is “all of them.” The first bite tastes like pig farm, and the second bite tastes like buying the farm.

bacon-explosion-inside

You can have a bacon explosion shipped to you for $35 and your dignity, or you can use a recipe to make one yourself. The problem is that anyone who wants to eat one considers putting on their muumuu to be a workout. If they actually tried to cook a meal they’d go into cardiac arrest simply from opening the kitchen cupboards.

The bacon explosion comes in original, jalapeño, cheese, and the tears of the malnourished. For an extra $15 you can also get a “pig porter,” a special carrying sleeve for your bacon explosion, because we don’t know a better way to tell the aliens that they’re welcome to show up and destroy us.

pig-porter

What have we done? What have we done?!

 

You can read more from Mark at his website.


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15 Comments

  1. What is it with this crazy obsession with bacon..? I think this is just another case of the internet “deciding” something is perfect and awesome and holy and everyone following blindly. Yes bacon is good but c’mon, this is ridiculous and everyone knows it. Keep the jokes on the internet please. Nobody wants to eat your humor.
    What’s next, bacon-kitten-Jennifer Lawrence-Nokia giftbaskets?

  2. I’ve had chocolate covered bacon and the bacon sundae, and they’re both delicious. The bacon adds just the right amount of saltiness to add a different dimension to what you’re consuming to make it, well, just lovely. I’ve also done maple bacon cupcakes, which were heavenly.

  3. It seems to me you are some weird concoction of an extreme health nut and somebody who takes no enjoyment from life. One would assume the individual writing this list would have enough cognitive ability to understand products such as bacon vodka do not contain actual bacon but bacon flavoring. Have you tried all of the products in which you have labeled disgusting or simply, prematurely, judge based on your perception of the products? BTW you left out bacon mouthwash, toothpaste, donughts, and bacon biscuits. Maybe if you quit over indulging in tofu and bean sprouts and/or allotted some of your time to enjoying things in moderation you wouldn’t have such a grim outlook on everything, and possibly, not come across as such a cynical hater of all things pork related. Then again, that would require you to step out of your pathetic bubble of a life and adventure into new and unexpected adventures, as well as seeing other peoples points of view. Or you can choose to wallow in hatred for no apparent reason, which is much more toxic to our society than any amount of bacon will ever be.

    • This^

      Honestly though, this person acts like bacon is THE MOST UNHEALTHY AND UNHOLY THING EVER TO EXIST. Someone that obsessed with hating something is just as bad (or worse) than someone obsessed with liking something.

      • …Bacon is the most unhealthy and unholy thing to exist. Seeing as it is essentially nothing but fat and is banned by several major world religions.

  4. Wolfy FiftyFour on

    LOL…Ahh Bacon, LOVE IT! Reminds me about an eMail I’ve received…

    — Bacon Tree —

    Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving.

    They are about to just lie down and wait for death,
    when all of a sudden Luis says…

    “Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell.
    Ees bacon, I theenk.”

    “Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon.”

    With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune,
    & there, in the distance,
    is a  tree loaded with bacon.

    There’s raw bacon,
    there’s fried bacon,
    back bacon,
    double smoked bacon…every imaginable kind of cured pork.

    “Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved.

    Ees a bacon tree.”

    “Luis, maybe ees a meerage?
    We ees in the desert don’t forget.”

    “Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon…ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree.”

    And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree.

    He gets to within 5 meters, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock.

    Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

    “Pepe…go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!”

    “Luis, Luis mi amigo…what ees it?”

    “Pepe…ees not a bacon tree.

    Ees

    Ees

    Ees

    Ees

    Ees a ham bush…”

    SO SORRY!

    I know there is something wrong with me for sending you this.

    Just couldn’t help it!

    The little voices made me do it!!!

    And I bet you tried to do the accent didn’t you – I know you did!

  5. I’ve had the bacon sundae, chocolate covered bacon, the bacone, bacon chocolate chip cookies, and fools gold leaf (one fourth of it)

    #ILoveAmerica

  6. If any of you have seen Epic Meal Time on Youtube, you know how crazy that guy is for making bacon recipes like these.

  7. I’ve had chocolate secured bacon and the bacon sundae, and they’re both delectable. The bacon includes only the appropriate measure of saltiness to add an alternate measurement to what you’re expending to influence it, to well, simply flawless. I’ve likewise done maple bacon cupcakes, which were glorious.

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