Rule 34 states that if you can imagine it, there’s porn of it on the internet. But simple imagination has nothing on the bizarre realities of sexual experience. We’ve all heard about people who are aroused by feet or dressing as animals or being put in diapers, but how many of us have heard of people being aroused by quicksand, doorknobs or flatulence? Well, guess what? Today is your lucky day!
10. Flatulence Fetishism
Farts are gross. Any ten year old knows this, as does any girlfriend unfortunate enough to experience the notorious Dutch Oven. However, it seems not everyone got the message. For some people, there’s nothing more erotic than the smell of some freshly-baked ass-gas.
The idea that people can get turned on by farts has been floating around the internet for a while now, but a British psychologist recently made what he claims is the world’s first clinical diagnosis of it. His case study involved a guy called “Brad” who could only get turned on by the idea of someone (male or female) farting in his face.
According to Brad, the fetish started when a girl he fancied at school let one rip during a lesson. Apparently it sparked something in his mind, because Brad subsequently spent his spare time trying to trick people into farting in his face (usually by losing bets). He’s now the world’s only recognized eproctophile – not exactly the greatest claim to fame we’ve ever heard.
Remember that scene in the Exorcist, where Linda Blair got ‘intimate’ with a crucifix? Turns out that wasn’t a sign of demonic possession; at least, not necessarily. She may have simply been a hierophile.
Hierophilia is what we used to call blasphemy. Those afflicted become aroused at the idea of making love in a religious setting, or getting themselves off using religious objects. The intention is not actually to offend – this is simply the only way these people can get their motor going. That it manages to upset millions of people in the process is just an unfortunate side-effect.
Interestingly, the word ‘fetish’ itself originally comes from religious objects. In the medieval period, ‘fetishes’ were bits of the true cross, or bones of the saints, or any of the other sacred items you might find in a church. Hierophiles are simply combining both uses of the term in a single, sacrilegious act.
Did you ever wet yourself as a little kid? If so, you probably remember it as pretty embarrassing. Really, who could blame you? But if you were into omorashi, things would be very different (and much weirder). Omorashi fans are people who get turned on by the thought of being desperate for a pee.
This desire extends beyond the fetishist themselves. For some, the sensation of needing a pee does nothing for them – but seeing someone else desperate for a leak sure does. Frequently, the target of their fetish is someone important or dignified. In other words, if your boss was to wet themselves in a meeting, an omorashi fan would find it less ‘hilarious’ and more ‘deeply arousing’.
For those of you wondering about the name, it comes from Japan, where omorashi is very popular. Why might that be? The best answer any of us could come up with is “because it’s Japan.”
So far, the fetishes on this list have been weird, but unlikely to land you in hospital. That isn’t the case with climacophilia. Documented by Jesse Bering in his book of sexual oddities Perv, a climacophile is someone who gets turned on by the idea of falling down the stairs.
It might sound like this is a particularly cruel form of sadism, but the opposite is true. The (very, very) few people to have this fetish apparently are more aroused by the idea of tumbling downstairs themselves than seeing someone else do it. In other words, if a climacphile were to watch that freaky scene in The Shining when Shelly Duvall sends a deranged Jack Nicholson crashing down the stairs, they’d want to be Jack Nicholson.
Because it’s very rare, climacophilia doesn’t have the same sort of dedicated sites as many of these fetishes. Which, from a public health perspective, may be just as well, really.
6. Women Sinking in Quicksand
Not so long ago, every Hollywood adventure film featured a scene where the nubile young damsel would fall in quicksand and have to be rescued. It was a clichéd plot device; a way to show how strong and resourceful the hero was, and how helpless his female companion.
For a generation of young boys, it was apparently also their moment of sexual awakening. Although the quicksand trope has basically disappeared from Hollywood, there are still plenty of dedicated quicksand fetishists out there. And most of them are old.
In a recent documentary, Vice followed a bunch of guys on the modern quicksand scene. Most of them, with few exceptions, were old enough to have grown up with the original Hollywood films. They now spent their days recreating their favorite quicksand moments, using young and attractive ladies looking to make a quick buck.
Generally, the resulting films were pretty safe for work. It seems quicksand fetishists prefer their sinking women to be clothed rather than naked, for some reason. Realism, we guess?
5. Women Failing to Start Cars
Women drivers, right guys? They’re so bad, they have trouble even starting their cars! It’s sexist so it must be true!
Sorry, did we say “true”? We meant to say “it’s sexist… so it must feature in some freaky fetish!” And boy, were we ever right.
Pedal pumping is a turn-on largely associated with rural, conservative parts of America. In its purest form, it simply features a video of a woman’s foot helplessly depressing a gas pedal while she begs her car to start. Other variations feature whole body shots, so fans can see the woman getting frustrated and upset. That’s about it. Neither version features any nudity, and neither ever features a car actually starting.
Some experts think this fetish taps into the ‘damsel in distress’ fantasy many guys have, of seeing a helpless woman and coming to her rescue (in this case by starting her car). Others think it’s basically a result of America being such a car-orientated nation, where automobiles are advertised like sex objects. Whatever the reason, it’s hugely popular in Republican-leaning states.
4. Girls Licking Doorknobs
No, that’s not a euphemism. There’s a genuine fetish that involves images of attractive girls getting down on their knees and licking doorknobs. The girls are fully-clothed and the pictures are (relatively) safe for work. Yet a dedicated website set up in 2011 wound up briefly becoming one of the biggest fetish sites on the internet.
The theory behind this popularity is both quite convincing and quite disturbing. Basically, doorknobs are asexual things. Beautiful women on their knees caressing something with their lips are definitely not. It’s thought that a huge number of guys who see the photos simply discard the doorknob from their mental picture and replace it with something else. We’ll give you no prizes for guessing what that ‘something else’ might be (clue: it rhymes with ‘their wenis.’)
As with omorashi above, this fetish is most-popular in Japan, and among western men who enjoy looking at pictures of cute Japanese girls. That’s most of them, then.
After three entries with ‘women/girls doing ‘x’’ as their heading, it’s nice to get back to fetishes with an actual scientific name. Make no mistake, though, pteronphilia is just as weird as everything else on this list. Specifically, it’s a fetish that describes people who get off on the idea of being tickled with feathers.
This desire is basically an offshoot of knismolagnia – a similar fetish for being tickled. Knismolagnia is so popular that you can make a decent living doing tickle scenes for fetish sites in LA (don’t worry, that link goes to a Vice report on those sites, not an actual fetish site). Pteronphilia, on the other hand, still hasn’t had its Fifty Shades of Grey moment and is currently relegated to the less-lucrative sidelines.
It might seem like this is just another version of the ‘damsel in distress’ trope; watching a woman writhe helplessly why a man tickles her. Yet plenty of the sites involve men being tickled by other men. Maybe it’s a dominance thing?
Saying you like someone’s eyes has long been an accepted way of implying “I want to sleep with you.” If your desired one is into oculolinctus, you may have to go one further. Far from just gazing into one another’s eyes, people with oculolinctus like to get right up close and lick them.
Oculolinctus made a splash in the news in 2013, when multiple papers reported that it was the latest trend among Japanese teens. The story was later proved to be a hoax, but the fetish remains very much real. While it’s a rare form of sexual attraction, it’s not unheard of. Around the time of the Japan story, the Huffington Post managed to interview a woman who considered it the most intimate act a partner could perform.
There might be a good reason for this fetish. Like the toes, the eyes are incredibly sensitive to even the slightest touch. That makes the licking sensation very noticeable – and for some, very erotic.
1. Human Males
Don’t worry, we haven’t suddenly turned either extremely homophobic or extremely anti-straight women. Whatever your gender, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being attracted to human males. Provided, that is, that you yourself are human.
Our story here involves Lucy the chimpanzee. You may have heard of her. In the 1960s and 1970s, Lucy was raised in a suburban home as part of a human household. The experiment – to try and tame Lucy’s wild side – was generally considered a failure. However, it did have a lasting impact on Lucy’s sexuality. As a grown chimp, Lucy showed no interest whatsoever in the males of her species. Instead, she reserved all of her affections for human men.
As a young adult, Lucy developed an obsession with Playgirl magazine. According to Jesse Bering’s book Perv, Lucy used to service herself to the hunky male centerfolds, occasionally rubbing her monkey junk right up against the pictures. If only someone had thought to introduce her to a zoophile, we might now be well on our way to producing an unstoppable man-chimp army.