Top 10 Worst Halloween Candy for Ruining Halloween
Halloween is one of the greatest days of the year. When you’re a kid, there’s nothing better than being encouraged to go out and stuff your face with as much candy as you can get your hands on. Halloween is fun for adults too, as handing out candy is a nostalgic reminder of our youth.
Unless, of course, your childhood Halloweens were bitter disappointments and you want to take it out on the next generation. Then you hand out one of these awful candies.
10. Tootsie Rolls
Tootsie Rolls are ostensibly chewable, but by the time they make it to your candy bag they’ve become a jaw destroying nightmare. The damage they do to your mouth isn’t worth their taste, which resembles chocolate in the sense that roadkill resembles filet mignon.
The manufacturer’s website states that the recipe for Tootsie Rolls calls for part of the previous day’s batch to be included. The same philosophy must apply when they’re sold at Halloween, because every Tootsie Roll ever eaten tastes at least a year old.
Fun Halloween Fact: In World War II Tootsie Rolls were included in American field rations, as their toughness allowed them to survive a variety of environmental conditions. This proved invaluable to American soldiers who, in emergency situations, used the hardened candies to pelt Nazis to death.
9. Smarties
Combining low quality artificial fruit flavours with the taste and texture of chalk, Smarties are what people buy when they want to give out candy but don’t want to go over their budget of seven cents and a handful of lint. Each piece costs a fraction of a penny, and kids would rather you give them that money than this “treat.” You could replace Smarties with Tums and people would think it was a new and improved variety.
Fun Halloween Fact: In Canada Smarties are called Rockets to avoid confusion with another candy. Thousands of Canadian children have lost interest in becoming aerospace engineers as a result.
8. Necco Wafers
Necco Wafers were first made in 1847, and we’re pretty sure they’re still trying to sell the original batch. They’re from an era where a Halloween treat was getting to leave the coal mines an hour early, and their flavor reflects the fact that their target audience’s taste buds were permanently set to “dust.” Their label of “an American classic” couldn’t be less accurate if they were made from slaughtered bald eagles.
Fun Halloween Fact: In 2009 Necco introduced a new line of wafers featuring healthy all-natural ingredients and a muted colour palate. This move was intended to eliminate whatever tiny sliver of joy the original candies might have contained.
7. Chocolate Coins
There’s something about the combination of chocolate and foil wrapping that turns an otherwise delicious food into a bitter disaster. Foil wrapped chocolate is disgusting, and it’s an especially disappointing candy because there’s no obvious reason why. Maybe the coins sit on store shelves for too long and don’t age well, or maybe their low cost is maintained by replacing the regular ingredients for chocolate with murdered drifters. We’ll never know.
Fun Halloween Fact: In 2008 a batch of chocolate coins were recalled after it was discovered they had been tainted with melamine. Authorities were worried that the dangerous industrial chemical would improve the taste of the coins to the point where children would become confused, their tiny brains unable to comprehend why their chocolate was suddenly edible.
6. Dubble Bubble Gum
Gum on Halloween is already a dubious prospect, as every minute spent chewing is a minute not spent shoveling candy into your mouth. But you can always save packs of Extra for those gloomy post-Halloween days—not so with Dubble Bubble, which starts out as tough as concrete and soon replaces diamonds as the world’s hardest substance. Your reward for ruining your teeth on a piece is a scant few seconds of what can only be generously described as flavor, after which it becomes a tasteless, rubbery mass. It’s more pleasant to chew the wrapper.
Fun Halloween Fact: Dubble Bubble was invented by an accountant, and to this day the gum is made primarily from shredded accounts receivable statements.
5. Jawbreakers
Jawbreakers suffer from the same flaw as gum—they take forever to eat. That would be okay if they tasted good, but their weak sugary flavor just doesn’t do it when you have piles of chocolate waiting. And let’s be honest—you thought the name was an exaggeration and bit down hard on one of these bad boys. Don’t be ashamed, we’ve all done it and we all have the chipped teeth to prove it. Kids don’t take a name like Jawbreaker as a warning, they take it as a challenge. Providing candy that encourages children to injure themselves is only a good idea if you plan on giving it away from an unmarked van.
Fun Halloween Fact: In 2003 a Jawbreaker that had been left out in the sun exploded, giving a nine year old girl minor burns. In the lawsuit that followed, the manufacturers admitted that Jawbreakers are intentionally designed to maim children.
4. Good & Plenty
Every child has fallen for the twisted trap that is Good & Plenty. They look tasty—the pink is probably cherry flavoured, but what could the white be? You scoop a handful into your mouth to find out, chomp down, and Bam! Black liquorice.
Black liquorice is candy in the sense that someone who commits a stabbing in a hospital is a surgeon. Studies have shown that nobody under the age of 80 likes black liquorice, which is why the only way to sell it is with a diabolical disguise. You know that urban legend about psychopaths hiding razor blades in Halloween candy? They’re actually hiding black liquorice, because kids would rather eat the razors.
Fun Halloween Fact: The pink candies are dyed with K-Carmine, which is produced by crushing female cochineals (insects). This is a terrible waste, as just eating the bugs would be tastier than eating Good & Plenty.
3. Candy Jewelry
The niche market of candy that encourages cross-dressing consists largely of candy necklaces and ring pops. The former are part of the dreaded “tastes like chalk” family, while the latter turns into a sticky, disgusting mess the second you start eating one. Anything you touch the rest of the night becomes gooey and gross, and the cheap plastic scratches up your fingers to boot. To make matters worse, boys are mocked by their friends for wearing them, while you just know that the girls who get really into candy jewelery grow up to be harlots.
Fun Halloween Fact: Statisticians have observed a correlation between the increased production of candy necklaces and the increased number of gender reassignment surgeries.
2. Whatever Those Orange and Black Things Are Called
These rock-hard candies taste like a mixture of molasses and child abuse. Their manufacturer is so ashamed of them that nobody is even sure what they’re called, and rumour has it they’re only made in the dead of night in a hidden factory operated by the souls of the damned. Every adult who gives them out on Halloween turns into a bat and vanishes the next day. The moment a kid eats one is the moment their childhood ends.
Fun Halloween Fact: Intensive research has revealed that these candies do have a name, but it can only be pronounced if you’re a ten-tongued Lovecraftian horror.
1. Anything That Isn’t Candy
Apples, toothbrushes, pennies, the condoms that one creepy guy gave out… nothing is worse than getting something other than candy on candy day. Yeah, it’s important to get kids eating fruit and brushing their teeth, but come on. It’s Halloween. People who give out toothbrushes miss the point of the holiday worse than people on the Internet miss the point of Guy Fawkes Day.
The worst non-candy item of all is pencils. Anyone who hands out a school supply is saying, “Hey, kid, you know this magical day where you dress up in a cool costume, stay up late with your friends and get free candy from all sorts of nice people? It’s about to end and you’re going back to school tomorrow. Screw you.”
Fun Halloween Fact: Anyone who gives out toothpaste on Halloween is dead inside.
Very very funny list, makes it interesting. #1 had me rolling. The facts are pretty entertaining too. Make more lists
Nice list. I, for one, always loved getting Tootsie Rolls, Smarties, and chocolate coins during Halloween.
I also liked getting bubble gum every now and then… it was a nice change of pace from just candy.
Well, count me the curmudgeon, but I love giving (and getting) Tootsie Rolls, Smarties, Necco Wafers, Double Bubble, Jawbreakers, Good n’ Plenty (LOVE black licorice), and those “orange and black things” – which could be called either “Bit o’ Honey” or “Mary Janes”, but is essentially molasses taffy.
PS: The best thing I give or get on Halloween are Mary Jane Peanut Butter Kisses, which are the taffy candy wrapped around (hopefully) a good-sized chunk of peanut butter. Yum.
Wow, you sure are easy to please!
Yep. God gave us candy for a reason, and that reason is diabetes. I plan to show my body who’s really the boss!
LOLOL ^^^^
Great list! Dots are pretty terrible too.
Actually, I myself love dots, even if they leave little cavity tooth enamel eating globs stuck on your molars.
I’ll happily take care of your Dots for you.
Gah! I hated the penny people!
Very good list. Yeah, the dots were lame also, but you forgot the one terrible, nasty Halloween candies of all time, Candy Corn! I hate that stuff. Never liked it, never will. It’s positively vile.
Candy corn is of the devil, forged in the deepest of the pits, and will be force-fed to Moammar Kadhafi for eternity.
Its always been said that if you actually saw how a hot dog is made, you would never eat one again or if you saw the movie/documentary called “Super Size Me” you would never eat at a McDonald’s ever again. Well, thanks to this list, I will now be more careful as to what candy I will consume. I did like #10 and how tootsie rolls, if cold enough, were used to bludgeon Nazi German soldiers to death. Perhaps it was the Battle of the Bulge (where temperatures averaged -30 to -40 below zero) that hardened them into weapons.
Your picture of Smarties is actually a picture of Sweet Tarts. Smarties are lighter colored and much more chalky. (I eat a lot of candy.)
My favorite one in the city that I grew up in was this very affluent home where I would go every Halloween and the owner of the home was the owner of an ice cream parlor. You would ring on his doorbell, say “Trick Or Treat” and right at the entrance, he had an ice cream dispenser exactly like one you would see if you went to the ice cream store and he would give you a double scoop ice cream cone either chocolate, strawberry or vanilla. I always chose the chocolate !!
Cool story bro tell it again
You’re right, here in Canada what you call Smarties are Rockets; I like Rockets, Our Smarties are like M & Ms only way way better.
We’ve always called #2 Halloween Kisses, but they’re like kissing your sister or a wrinkly old auntie who smells of mothballs and Bengay.
You missed one: Candy Corn. I’ll let Lewis Black explain… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L8yuvMsvNqY
To Stinger503. A very BIG thumbs up for the Lewis Black stand up regarding Candy Corn. I hated the stuff as well. I remember Lewis Black on the Conan O’ Brien show a couple of years ago, and he got into the subject of Michael Jackson saying that Michael Jackson is a joke in himself. He went on to say if you’re telling a joke to someone and forget the “punchline”, just say Michael Jackson. He began to tell a joke and said “Two Jews are walking down the street and heading for the nearest bar (this is where the punch line comes) the Jew forgets the punchline and Lewis Black says, “just say Michael Jackson” Funny as hell !!!
DUDE! I love getting condoms for Halloween! that creepy guy rules…
i watched a slid show yesterday and it said that tootsie rolls are just made out of left overs :p
Right on about Tootsie Rolls.
I have to nominate Jolly Ranchers to the list – those bars of sugar hard tack that can’t really be bitten, but instantly form a cement bond upon being placed between your teeth.
I couldn’t agree more with you about the Jolly Ranchers! I always HATED getting those!
But… I do love Tootsie Rolls…
Licorice rocks! But beware the common fake which actually contain no real licorice extract!
Btw saying “black licorice” is like saying “wet water”. There is no other kind, though misuse on products with no licorice extract has occurred
What is the name of the orange and black things? I must know it!
Hilarious. Espicially #4 and #2. The reason they’re called “Kisses” is lost to me….
lol tootsie rolls, chocolate dollars, double bubble, jawbreakers, are all awesome. this is a list that belongs on someones myspace page
If it weren’t for one incident I had in high school, I would totally agree with your #1. My friends and I knocked on a door, and the resident came out to tell us that she was out of candy, but was giving out cans of Dr Pepper or Sprite instead. After walking around in a heavy costume in that weather (TN Halloween= about 70 degrees), that Dr. Pepper hit the sport more than any reese cup or snicker!
Now that’s a novel idea! Maybe I’ll try that when we have our “Santa Ana heatwaves” during Halloween here in Southern California ( usually it a bit chilly (and sometimes rainy) during Halloween but in some years it gets up to the mid 80′s to mid 90′s during the day on Halloween!)
I thought this was hilarious, but I disagree with #4 I love black licorice, and always have.
And up until now, I never even knew that Rockets(Smarties) had a different name in the USA, when I saw the word Smarties, I was shocked. Because the other candy that was referenced in this post (Canadian Smarties) are candy covered chocolate piece, kind of like M&Ms. And most Canadian kids, I know love Rockets(American Smarties)
#2 Are known as “Mary Jane Peanut Butter Kisses” Truly a “treat” that will get your house T.Peed or Egged. UGH! I hated those candies! I rather have either Tootsie Rolls,Neccos,Smarties or Good & Plenty than those Mary Janes Peanut Butter Kisses!!
In Canada Smarties are a staple in a child’s diet. You aren’t truly Canadian until you have had our Smarties.