Finding love is hard, and it’s even harder when you’re only attracted to Asian midgets with Parkinson’s disease and a lisp. In the old days you would have died alone, but thanks to the Internet we now know that no matter how insane your tastes are there’s a community out there that shares them. If you’re having trouble finding a romantic partner, don’t despair—you’re not a hideous freak (probably). You just need to give one of these dating sites a try:
10. The Atlasphere
Do you love Atlas Shrugged, but hate it when your friends don’t understand how that makes you better than the rest of society? Did you read The Fountainhead in college and decide you were destined to change humanity? Are you a fan of terrible puns? Then you might find love at The Atlasphere, the dating site for hardcore fans of Ayn Rand!
There’s nothing wrong with sharing a mutual interest, but unless you spend your free time writing Ayn Rand fanfiction and trying to convince people that the Atlas Shrugged movie wasn’t terrible it’s probably not the most relevant part of your personality. The Atlasphere feels less like a genuine dating site and more like a place for people to tell each other how awesome they are for liking Ayn Rand. Are those the sort of people we really want to be reproducing?
9. Scientific Match
If the most erotic movie you’ve ever seen is Gattaca and your idea of a hot first date is swapping DNA in the literal sense, then Scientific Match is the place for you. Members don’t meet people the old fashioned way, through conservation and shared experiences—they get their dates based on a compatibility analysis of their DNA. When you sign up you’re sent a collection kit—just swab your mouth, mail it back, wait for the analysis, then start looking for partners based on mutual results. It’s all the awkwardness of Internet dating with the added fun of a science project!
But maybe we shouldn’t mock the scientific method. There are real advantages to dating with science, as explained by the site’s “6 benefits of scientific matching.” The number one benefit? “Chances are increased that you’ll love the natural body fragrance of your matches.” Wait, is this secretly a dating site for people who refuse to use deodorant?
If you like video games so much that you want to fulfill every last stereotype about them, then Datecraft is where you’ll need to look for love. Clearly, anyone who’s a gamer isn’t fit for normal human interaction—they need their own special dating site, where their unwashed pallor won’t spook the regular people.
Datecraft’s homepage shows pictures of the latest 15 visitors, and at any given time the collection fulfills every sad cliché about lonely gamers. 13 of the 15 people will be guys, at least one of them will be dressed like a druid and another one will be using a picture of his World of Warcraft character. Again, there’s nothing wrong with trying to share a mutual interest—but if you can’t separate yourself from Lord Thunderdong, your level 85 shaman, then maybe romance shouldn’t be your first priority in life.
7. Date my Pet
Date my Pet is, despite the name, not a bestiality site. Thank God. But in a way, it’s even creepier—it’s a site for people who (platonically) love their pets so much that they come as a package in a relationship. It’s right there in the site’s slogan: “Date Me. Date My Pet.” “Get stood up by me because I had to stay home and make sure Mittens didn’t get lonely” is only implied.
Date my Pet’s profiles are so saccharine it’s hard to believe these people know what dating is. Users spend more time describing their pets than they do themselves, and they use words like “purrfect” and “nosewiggling” with such reckless abandon that even the Care Bears would be disgusted. Everyone on this site is trying to stave off menopause, including the men—their idea of a hot night out is a trip to the quilt festival, and finishing the evening with some heavy petting has an entirely different meaning to them.
The sugary profiles take a turn for the disturbing when you visit their “Pet Heaven” sections, where users talk about animals who are no longer with them. Yes, losing a pet is tragic, but nothing is less erotic than seeing someone talk about how much they miss Professor Piddles, the snuggliest little doggy-woggy ever. You’d have better luck finding a date if you replaced your pet obituaries with a list of your STDs.
6. Farmers Only
You no doubt assumed that Farmers Only is a dating site for farmers only. You’re wrong, city slicker—Farmers Only is more nuanced than that. “You don’t have to be a farmer, but you do have to have good old-fashioned down to earth values,” says Jerry Miller, the site’s founder. Jerry, “old-fashioned values” is code for either being racist or being Amish, and the latter can’t use the Internet. Is Farmers Only a front for KKK-Konnections?
Never mind—after watching that commercial we’re guessing Farmers Only is less Confederacy Couples and more First Cousin Fornicating. Anyone who chooses a dating site on the advice of a talking cow is probably upset that their own heifers are only interested in the physical aspect of their relationship.
Maybe it’s unfair for us to joke about farmer stereotypes, but this is a site that complains about city people and their “four dollar cups of coffee,” and asks users what kind of animals they raise. Hell, their slogan is “City folks just don’t get it!” Get what, recessive traits?
Vampires need love as much as we mere mortals, as a variety of terrible novels have demonstrated. But where can they go to find a partner? Daytime activities are out, and they can’t go to the bar without the risk of being killed by George Clooney. What other options are there? Well, as luck would have it, the Internet is the perfect place for mopey freaks who sit around in the dark all day. And it’s great for vampires, too! Hey oh!
Vampersonals is the dating site for goths and bloodsuckers—whether users are just claiming to be vampires as an excuse to bite people or they actually think they’re nosferatu isn’t made clear. We don’t even know which we’d prefer.
In addition to letting you browse its pale and clammy members roster, Vampersonals offers a variety of suggestions for the perfect gothic date, such as “discussing the frailty and futility of life as (you) sip aged wine.” Then when she’s drunk you bite her in the jugular, and from there it’s love.
4. Find Your FaceMate
FaceMate sounds like the British version of Facebook, but it’s actually another attempt to match people with science. According to FaceMate, we’re subconsciously attracted to people with facial features similar to our own, and so the site uses facial recognition technology to pair up lookalikes. That seems to imply we all want to date opposite sex versions of ourselves—find Your Fellow Narcissist doesn’t have quite the same ring to it, though.
Based on FaceMate’s example photos, their facial recognition software not only works, it works too well:
Look at that picture and try to tell us you don’t find it creepy. Those two are either siblings, robots, or both. It looks like one of their faces was cloned and grafted onto the other person’s head. Especially the mouths. Oh God, the mouths!
3. Beautiful People
If you’re an Adonis looking for your Aphrodite but can only find she-beasts and wenches, don’t despair. Instead of doing something radical—like lowering your unrealistic standards or trying not to be so shallow—look for a date at Beautiful People, where the only members are those deemed attractive enough to grace the site’s presence. New applicants submit a picture that’s rated by users of the opposite sex, and if you’re not up to scratch you get rejected. The site doesn’t explicitly say whether or not your rejection is accompanied by diet tips and quotes from the members about how repulsive you are, but it’s implied.
Not only do Beautiful People’s users set a new standard for superficiality, they display an impressive level of technical ignorance as well—apparently none of them are aware of the existence of Photoshop, or the fact that people on the Internet don’t have to use their real picture. We have to wonder how many dates arranged over this site are just two obese people yelling at each other about how they’re beautiful on the inside.
2. Dating with Benefits
Dating with Benefits is both the most honest dating site we’ve seen, and the saddest—an impressive contradiction. DWB is where rich men looking for sexual favours and gold diggers on the hunt for their latest sugar daddy meet and mutually agree to suck all the romance out of their lives. Why look for a partner who shares your interests and dreams when you could just hook up with some old guy who’s willing to buy you designer clothes if you indulge his perverted desires?
Dating with Benefits claims they offer this service because wealthy men don’t have the time to pursue traditional relationships, as they’re too busy making business deals or racing yachts or hunting the poor for sport or whatever it is rich people do. Well, to all you multimillionaires reading this, let us save you even more time: they’re called prostitutes, and you don’t have to buy them Prada handbags before they’ll sleep with you. Feel free to send us gold bricks as a thank you for this valuable tip.
Look at all the fun those single farmers and vampires are having. Why should you, the married man or woman, miss out? What your significant other doesn’t know can’t hurt them, right? If you aren’t repulsed by that line of thinking you should check out Gleeden, a dating site for married people! Also, you’re a horrible person.
Gleeden commits a double sin by promoting adultery with one of the most horrific play on words we’ve ever seen. If you can cringe your way through their home page, you’ll find an elaborate profile system that allows users to only reveal personal information to each other after they’ve built up a level of trust, thereby significantly lowering the odds of accidentally arranging a tryst with a Russian supermodel who turns out to be your suspicious wife. And there’s even a panic button on every page, just to make it extra clear how sleazy you are for using the site!
Sadly, Gleeden is just one of several affair arranging sites—you may have seen Ashley Madison in the news, and there’s also Loving Links for any British cheaters. We stopped at three because further research would have depressed us, but we’re sure there are even more sites to help you ruin your marriage out there. What happened to the good old days, when marriages were destroyed through alcoholism and domestic abuse? Does the Internet hold nothing sacred?