Top 10 Reasons Obama Should Reconsider Building A Death Star
It all started with a simple petition, stating that the United States government needed to invest in a Death Star. The primary goal was to have an armed defense station in space, which is certainly laudable enough.
After thousands of signatures were guaranteed, Paul Shawcross, on behalf of Obama, officially rejected the idea. His explanation was laden with Star Wars references left and right, making it perfectly clear he and the Administration were in on the joke. But here’s the thing: what if it isn’t a joke? What if a real-life Death Star is the best thing that could ever happen to us? We would like to present a counterpoint to Mr. Shawcross’s response. And since he likes pop culture references so much, we’ll go with one of our own: “Mr. Shawcross, you ignorant slut…”
10. World Peace
Yeah, not bloody likely, we know. To quote the movie Sneakers: “we are the United States government. We don’t do that sort of thing.”
But there are two possible peace-related results of a Death Star. First, the world could be united in fear of the thing. This makes sense: if there is a looming Space Station of Doom up there somewhere, then you are going to have some uniformity among potential victims. The world may collectively be too scared to cause any turmoil. The alternate theory however, is that the entire world would unite against such a threat. The United States Marine Corps operates on a similar principle: the platoon will unite, either out of fear or hatred. Either way, it will unite.
9. Lowered Housing Costs On Earth
The old saying is that the one thing that you can never get more of is land. But between a Death Star, way stations on the Moon and other places, and transport, there is a significant portion of the population who will be spending a lot of time, and perhaps their entire lives, in space. This means that there will be less densely populated areas on Earth.
The average rent in Manhattan is $3418 a month. Even a four-bedroom apartment in Wyoming is one-third of that, which is still a pretty penny. With people moving into space, as well as working in Death Star, the overall cost of living back on old Big Blue will start to drop drastically, even in urban areas.
8. Advancements in Super Colliding
The Large Hadron Super Collider is currently shut down until 2014. This is so they can get the system up to full power, to start testing again. What is a tube in the Death Star, if not a large super collider? Do you know what the “Death Star Laser” is, other than ten large super colliders joining forces into one laser? Other than the possible planet-destroying implications, can you imagine the actual scientific knowledge to be gleaned simply by turning it on? You could practically create mini-black holes. All ten operational at the same time is not just a Death Star Laser; it is actually a short cut to understanding many of the mysteries of the universe.
7. Affordable Space Tourism
Currently, space tourism is reserved for the super rich, as they’re the only ones who can afford a ticket. The future of space travel, as Mr. Shawcross describes it, seems to be limited to partnership with private business. In short, the United States would rather pay taxi fare than buy a car. If, however, there was an actual need for consistent space travel, even just to get people to work in the morning, then no government could justify charging a quarter of a million dollars for a ticket. A Death Star would provide such a need. Space travel would finally become a reality for average citizens, simply due to the sudden practicality of it all.
6. Space Mining On Other Planets
There is a planet out there with no known life forms, that is twice the size of Earth. That planet is made completely out of diamond. The space mining implications here are phenomenal. If you have a Death Star in a system, then you can use short-range fighters for defense, as well as carriers to transport workers. After that, you can use long-range cruisers to transport the materials back to Earth, or wherever they needed to go. What in the universe is the downside to this? Especially since they are already trying to get affordable resources to space mine.
Simply put, the natural resources on Earth are dwindling. Space is untapped.
5. No Term Limits For A Sith Lord
The commander of a Death Star is immediately one of the most important people around, not only on Earth, but in the entire known universe. The right ruler would easily trump even the President of the United States. And unless a Death Star was strictly under United States control, there would likely be no rules in place for any type of term limits for its Commander. It would also be a very hard position to recall. Firing a government employee involves a monumental amount of paperwork as it is. Imagine if you also had to recall that commander from deep space? Think of the power that McArthur had in post World War II Japan, then multiply that by roughly fifteen thousand.
4. No Space Labor Unions
Labor unions are pretty popular, but space is far beyond anything your typical Teamster ever envisioned. Space workers would not really be able to create a picket line in space, nor could they go anywhere if they wanted to quit. It would be pretty hard to have labor strife when your entire existence depends on the company, or the government. In addition, since most of the positions would probably be government anyway, subcontractors would face a six-month space ride minimum, if they decided to simply quit. In short, a labor movement in space would have to be established before work started (which is unlikely).
3. A Miniscule Unemployment Rate
Creation actually inspires economy, not the other way around. And there is a very good reason why people are calling it a “man-cession,” and saying our economy is in need of a “he-covery.” Do you know where most of the jobs lost in the Great Recession were? In the areas of construction and building, that’s where. The building of a Death Star would result in a worldwide economic boom. Between the construction workers who would need to be employed, to the materials which would need to be imported, economies all over the world would be alive and vibrant over this one project. Even those not involved will profit. Don’t believe us? Look at any business located near a major stadium project and then multiply by twenty thousand.
2. It Would Be The Ultimate In Green Energy
A Death Star would not only be created by clean energy sources, it would also be powered by them. It could also serve as the ultimate in interstellar waste management. On our planet, nuclear power plants are all at least 40 years old, and they’re starting to stink up the joint. Any excess waste could now be stored in uninhabited planets or asteroids, instead of sullying up Earth any further. You could even shoot it all into the Sun if you wanted to. Either way, Earth will suddenly look brand new, and it can thank the Death Star for that.
1. Our Lives Would No Longer Revolve Around Money
If you are floating around the idea of minting a one trillion dollar coin, why not go all the way? Seriously. Don’t merely collapse one monetary system; just start flooding all the markets! In the Star Wars world, money is irrelevant anyway. If the world was united in the creation of a Death Star, as a mining and other revenue generating resource, then money would change hands, but not be seen as terribly relevant. The returns would outweigh the costs, as the entire global economic system quickly changes.
In short; if they are going to do it, then go all the way or not at all. At least they would actually have something to show for all the money they spent, as opposed to whatever they’re doing now.