More than twenty years after the mass-marketing of the Flowbee, As Seen on TV products are still flying off the shelves. Advertising gurus continue to conjure consumer need by pairing off-the-wall inventions with short, ridiculous commercials. The end result is more money in their pockets and less in ours. Nonetheless, we are all richer for the viewing experience.
Here is the list of the top ten worst As Seen on TV products currently available for purchase.
10. Potty Patch
If you are too lazy to take your dog out in the elements, Potty Patch is right for you! For a mere $39.99 (plus shipping and handling), you can lay on the couch while your dog takes a dump on astroturf. All you have to do is endure the smell and clean it up later by hand. The Potty Patch is also ideal for apartment dwellers who can’t wait for the elevator but waited long enough to place their dog in dire straits. Available at pottypatch.com.
9. Booty Pop
Booty Pop is “Hollywood’s hottest, new trade secret” for achieving wedgies. Wear these panties with shoulder pads strategically sewn on the outside to make your butt look big (or even bigger). This anti-Spanx is available in a large array of exciting colors and fabrics and priced at only $28.00 per pair (plus shipping and handling). While you are at bootypop.com, be sure to stock-up so this false advertising does not bite you in the ass. Imagine compounding the embarrassment of people wondering what happened to your rear with your noticeable butt sweat.
8. The Broccoli Wad
If you are tired of having rubber bands snap under the magnitude of your huge money roll, broccoliwad.com will take away some of that bulk. In broken English, spokesman Vincent ‘Big Pussy’ Pastore advises, “wiseguys don’t carry their money in a wallet, he carries around in a wad.” Marketed to impress other high rollers, the Broccoli Wad is a $5 non-slip heavy duty silicone band which wraps around your folded cash. Complete with the picture of its namesake vegetable on the gold or silver-toned nameplate, this is an offer you can’t refuse.
7. Instant Arm Lift
If you are hoping to astonish people with your slender arms without the embarrassment of taping your flab to the back of your arm, Instant Arm Lift is for you. No wait, its not– that’s exactly what this product does. Instant Arm Lift promises to be comfortable and discrete at the low price of $19.95 (plus shipping and handling). Since the clear patch is designed to be covered by clothing, it is not a big improvement over silver duct tape. Pair it with Instant Thigh Lift, also available on instantarmlift.com, and you’ll never forget your big night or how hard it was to get the adhesive off your skin.
Cleaning the litter box is a yucky chore and we all want to be closer to our feline friends. Just imagine how impressed Mr. Whiskers will be when you kill two birds with one stone! Citikitty is a plastic insert you place into your toilet bowl, cover with litter and trick your cat into using. Gradually, kitty will prefer your toilet to his box. Guests will no longer be stunned by telltale odors, just shocked by what’s floating in the toilet. For $24.98 (plus shipping and handling) on citikitty.com, you and your cat are one step closer to sharing everything.
5. Kush Support
Are big boobs weighing you down? Kush Support is the answer. Despite its name and billing as a “comfortable nighttime companion”, it is not a medical marijuana dispensary. Kush Support is a padded cylinder designed to provide dreamlike support for well-endowed side sleepers when placed in their cleavage. While it retails for $24.99 (plus shipping and handling) on kushsupport.com to a niche market, the advertisement had an inexplicably huge number of fans.
4. Fridge Locker
This “easy-to-use personal, portable food security system” is a food cage with a combination lock. Because its wire shell is well-ventilated, it doesn’t trap odors and makes an excellent taunting device for dieters and children when desirable vittles are placed inside. As demonstrated by the bear befuddled by the Fridge Locker, it is must-have for anyone visiting Jellystone Park. Bring it to the office and for only $19.99 (plus shipping and handling), your co-workers can think you’re a paranoid idiot. Available at fridgelocker.com.
3. Better Marriage Blanket
Forget trust and communication, for prices starting at just $29.99 (plus shipping and handling) you can have a better marriage. Created with the “same fabric used by the military to protect against chemical weapons,” the Better Marriage Blanket absorbs flatulent odors. What’s more, it makes a highly insulting wedding or anniversary gift. Visit bettermarriageblanket.com to say “goodbye” to Dutch Ovens and “hello” to marital bliss!
2. The Back Up
Hate pesky home invasions and adhering to even the most intuitive gun safety? Then the Back Up is right for you! Simply slide this gun rack between your mattress and box spring so you can access your shotgun in the lying position. This indispensable home “safety” device could save your life in the time it takes to turn on the light, get your wits about you and determine who you are shooting at. Buy one for each side of the bed at $39.95 (plus shipping and handling) a piece on the-backup.com.
1. Uro Club
Uro Club is the only golf club guaranteed to keep you out of the woods. That’s because you pee in it. Billed as a “discrete sanitary solution for your urgent relief,” the Uro Club’s grip twists off to reveal a built-in reservoir. The device comes with a clip-around-the-waist towel to fool course marshals into thinking you are just checking out your club. Meanwhile, the joke is on them because you’re taking a leak! Buy the Uro Club for $24.95 (plus shipping and handling) at uroclub.com and never get kicked off the course for public urination again.
By Suzanne Duvall