We don’t think we’re really breaking new ground when we say that the Nazis weren’t very nice, that has already been very well established. What is less known about the Nazi regime however is all of the silly ways high-ranking Nazis abused their power and generally acted like terrible people that make you hate them just that little bit more.
Note: We hate the Nazis and everything they stood for as much as everyone else, this article is merely meant to highlight some lesser known, petty facts from history, while making fun of Nazis.
10. Hitler Never Paid Taxes
As the go-to comparison for lazy people arguing with strangers on the internet, Hitler needs no introduction. Now we’ve already made fun of this man before, because making fun of Hitler is a rite of passage for all fact-based websites, but today we’re here to share a story about arguably the smartest and ironically ballsiest thing he ever did: refusing to pay his taxes.
Now not paying taxes isn’t normally considered very smart, as the current career of Wesley Snipes would attest to. However, the Nazi leader not only got away with not paying taxes on the literally millions he earned from the sale of Mein Kampf, but did so while brazenly bragging about his wealth. According to experts analyzing his fortune, Adolf Hitler is technically one of the single richest authors in history, in part because he used his position as leader of the Reich to force newly married couples to take a free copy that their local council had to pay for. However, when the pre-Nazi German government tried to make Hitler pay taxes on his considerable earnings, he claimed that he didn’t actually have any money, while driving to and from the tax office in a brand new Mercedes he bought with cash donated to the Nazi party.
When Hitler ultimately became Chancellor of Germany, the tax office once again sent him a bill, demanding some 40 million Reichsmarks, and Hitler responded by using his newly gained power to declare himself immune from taxation. He never paid another bill again. So yeah, Wesley Snipes, if you’re reading this, you may want to consider asking Marvel to be Blade again so that there’s a chance they want to you to kill Vampire Hitler, because right now, he kind of makes you look like an idiot.
9. Rudolf Hess was Worse Than Your Vegan Friend
As Hitler’s deputy, Rudolf Hess understandably spent a lot of time with the Furher, or he would have if Hitler hadn’t have found him so unbearably annoying. A noted hypochondriac, Hess was obsessed with his health and reportedly took dozens of pills a day to alleviate his various ailments. He was also a vegetarian and would spend his time with Hitler’s inner circle trying to convince them that his diet was superior to their own.
Over time though, even Hitler got annoyed with Hess due to his habit of trying to push his diet on everyone else during meals. To put this in perspective, Hitler, who was also a vegetarian, was known to graphically discuss how they slaughtered animals at meal time to put people off eating meat and go on long rants about how the vegetarian lifestyle was healthier, exactly like that one vegan friend we all have on Facebook, and even he got sick of listening to Hess.
Eventually Hess was pushed out of Hitler’s inner circle almost entirely, all because he tried to use his position at Hitler’s side to try and convince people that his way of eating was best.
8. Hermann Göring was Pretty Fabulous, Actually
Well-known for being a butthead of almost unimaginable size, Hermann Göring is best known as being the second most powerful man in Nazi Germany, next to Hitler. Using his position as almost-Hitler, Göring was able to acquire a vast amount of wealth for himself that he subsequently spent on being absolutely fabulous.
It’s noted that Göring specifically went out of his way to make his Nazi uniform as loud and garish as possible and was known to change outfits several times a day just to show off all the different medals he’d awarded himself. Friends of Göring became used to seeing the rotund Nazi walking around in everything from togas to ridiculously oversized fur coats likened to the kind favored by “high-grade prostitutes,” carrying a hunting spear (you know, because he could), and it became a running joke amongst soldiers that Göring liked to take a bath in his Admirals uniform, and that he slept wearing his medals. Curiously, that last one is actually kind of true because Hitler, who was also aware of Göring’s ego, once gave him a medal made of foil to wear on his pajamas, which the Nazi is said to have worn with pride.
Göring, for the most part, didn’t mind these jokes and saw them as a genuine sign of affection from the German people. Then again, we guess it’s hard to care about people making jokes about you when you live in a giant mansion filled with expensive art and order all of your subordinates to call you “Iron Man”. That’s not a joke, by the way. Göring really made people call him that.
7. Heinrich Himmler Loved Magic a Little Too Much
Regarded as one of the major architects of the Holocaust, historical opinion is that Himmler was simultaneously one of the most repugnant members of the Nazi high command as well as one of its most curious.
Obsessed with mysticism, the occult, and homeopathy, Himmler would talk for hours on end about magic to anyone who’d listen and used his position as Reichsführer to put stupid mystic symbols all over the uniforms of the SS, and made it compulsory for certain high-ranking members of the SS to receive a special lantern he thought had special powers when they joined.
Like with Hess, Hitler really didn’t like listening to Himmler drone on and one about German mysticism and magic and on more than one occasion, referred to it as “nonsense” when he wouldn’t shut up about it.
Unperturbed, Himmler redirected Nazi man-power and resources into searching across Europe and other areas under Nazi control for magical artifacts he thought would help them win the war and prove conclusively that the future belonged to the Aryan race. In the end all he really did was give the guys who made the Wolfenstein games an awesome idea.
6. Albert Speer Made Hitler Turn on the Lights
A prominent architect in Nazi Germany, Speer isn’t as a demonized as other high-ranking Nazis and is one of only a few Nazis who were openly remorseful for their actions when later captured and questioned. During his time as the Nazis’ chief architect, Speer advocated what he called the “theory of ruin value”, which basically stated that large structures made of stone would serve as a perpetual reminder of Nazi dominance long into the future, not unlike the statues and structures of ancient Rome and Greece.
One of Speer’s biggest creations was the Zeppelinfeld stadium, which could apparently house up to 340 thousand angry Nazis if it needed to. When the stadium was set to appear in the propaganda film, Triumph of the Will, Speer stepped in and used his power of veto to make a singular request of the director: film at night as much as possible.
Why? Well, Speer was rather proud of the lighting system he’d designed for the parade grounds and wanted to show it off as much as possible. Oh, and he was also worried that if they filmed there during the day, viewers would notice that the people poised to march in the rally that day were really fat. Take that, master race.
5. Emil Maurice had Sex with Hitler’s Niece
Holding the position of Hitler’s personal chauffeur for several years and considered one of the dictator’s closest friends for a while, Emil Maurice enjoyed a number of perks including being deemed an “Honorary Aryan” by Hitler himself when it turned out he had Jewish ancestry. Which is all well and good, but we don’t think it compares to being able to openly brag that he once had sex with Hitler’s niece.
According to various sources, Hitler was obsessed with his niece, Geli Raubal (related to him not through blood but a half-sister) and was reported to have taken the young girl everywhere with him, including to parties, where he’d brag to his Nazi friends that he was in the company of, like, a super hot babe while they were all married to “washerwomen”.
Maurice agreed that Geli was indeed a beautiful woman and, right under Hitler’s stupid nose, approached and then had just all of the sex with her. Hitler quickly fired Maurice, who promptly sued Hitler for unfair dismissal and won (this is before Hitler ruled Germany with an iron fist) before settling down to be a watchmaker using Hitler’s money. When Hitler came to power, Maurice once again joined the SS without incident.
The next time you feel sad, we implore you to remember that a Jewish man once deflowered a member of Hitler’s own family, sued him, and then got a cushy job from him throughout the war.
4. Sepp Dietrich Told Hitler to Kiss His A**
Like Maurice up there, Sepp Dietrich was also once Hitler’s driver but managed to quickly rise to the rank of general in the Waffen-SS, something we guess was helped by Dietrich not having dirty sex with members of Hitler’s family.
Though he’d proven himself to be a keen tactical mind throughout WWI and the initial phases of WWII, due to Hitler’s insistence on having every single military move run past him first, Dietrich became somewhat frustrated with being unable to take the initiative when it came to battle.
This came to a head in 1945 when Dietrich, determined to prove himself, disobeyed a direct order from Hitler to try and take an oilfield in Lake Balaton in Hungary, a mission which ultimately failed. When Hitler found out about this, he sent a message to Dietrich and his men, demanding that they remove their cuff bands and send them back to him. Dietrich instead ordered his men to remove their medals and then put them into a chamberpot, which he then sent back to Hitler, essentially telling the dictator to kiss his ass.
Due to his rank of general and the fact the war was basically over, Dietrich was never reprimanded in any way for this and got off almost scot free, until he was captured and summarily executed because, you know, Nazi.
3. Heinz Hitler, Hitler’s Nephew
Heinrich “Heinz” Hitler was one of many members of Hitler’s extended family to enjoy the perks of having “the unquestioned ruler of Nazi Germany” on speed dial. Wanting to be an officer, Heinz used his status as one of Hitler’s nephews to join the Wehrmacht as a signals operator, taking part in the initial invasion of the Soviet Union. In 1942, Heinz was captured by the Soviets near Moscow and tortured to death the second they realized what his last name was.
Prior to this though, Heinz is said to have enjoyed using his last name to do things like blast through red lights and scare the crap out of the poor police officer who pulled him over by casually flipping open his ID and pointing toward his name. Something we’re guessing wasn’t worth eventually being tortured to death by angry Soviets, but hey, we have no idea how fast he was going or how many girls that move impressed so we can’t say for sure.
2. Ernst Röhm Could Call Hitler What He Wanted
Ernst Röhm was infamously one of the men killed by Hitler during what became known as The Night of the Long Knives, a purge of the less desirable Nazi elements. He wouldn’t stop demanding to be put in charge of Germany’s entire army, worrying some higher-ups that he had mutiny on his mind.
Prior to being killed by Hitler, though, Röhm is said to have enjoyed a frankly terrifying amount of power as the Obergruppenfuehrer of the Sturmabteilung, better known simply as the SA, and was incredibly chummy with Hitler himself. So much so that the moustachioed madman is said to have put off killing Röhm as long as possible in the hopes he’d stop making such insane demands, which as we all know, were Hitler’s thing. This is despite Ernst using his position to extort and beat people in the street for money for no reason other than he could.
As an example of Röhm’s close relationship with Hitler, he’s recorded as being literally the only member of the Nazi high command who had permission to call Hitler by his first name instead of “Mein Fuhrer,” and frequently did so, often in front of other Nazis who didn’t dare try to emulate him. For some reason though, Röhm wasn’t happy with being the only man in Germany Hitler liked enough to call him Adolf and as a result, he was shot. Which probably explains why Hitler didn’t have more friends.
1. Hitler’s Other, More Annoying Nephew
Born William Patrick Hitler, William is probably the most famous member of Hitler’s extended family because he actively went out of his way to join the American army to fight against Nazis after writing a scathing article making fun of Hitler called, “Why I Hate My Uncle.”
Though William’s story is amazing and has rightly been covered extensively online, few sources ever seem to note that prior to deciding that he didn’t like Hitler and WWII, William milked the crap out of his last name by moving from Britain to Germany and begging the uncle he supposedly hated so much to get him a job. Hitler, being a nice uncle, used his position as chancellor to set William up with a cushy job in a bank and made sure all his high-powered friends invited him to swanky parties, where William tried to have sweaty, reportedly disappointing sex with dozens of women, using his last name.
William thanked his uncle by writing to him and asking for an even better job, which Hitler did by finding his ungrateful nephew a job as a car salesman. William left the job after a few months and returned to England, where he once again banked on his fame as Hitler’s nephew by giving interviews to newspapers while posing like Hitler. When the money from this dried up, William wrote to Hitler for a third time demanding he get him another job. Hitler, showing surprising restraint for a man best known as a mass murderer, rather than telling his nephew to go away, offered him a job with the Nazi high command. William, not wanting to be trapped in Germany during the war, turned the job down and wrote a letter back this time blackmailing Hitler for more money.
When Hitler wrote back saying that he was no longer going to give him free handouts, William, out of nowhere suddenly decided that Hitler was a bad guy and fled back to England, where he wrote the aforementioned article about hating his uncle.
While we’re not saying that William was a bad guy, because he did ultimately end up serving with the US Navy during WWII against the Wehrmacht and renounced his connection to Hitler, we are saying that prior to doing this, he was happy to enjoy the benefits of being his nephew when it suited him and used his last name to convince women to sleep with him. Then again, who reading this wouldn’t have done the exact same thing?