Facebook Twitter Instagram
    Toptenz.net
    • Home
      • Our Faves
      • #58247 (no title)
      • Our Writers
    • Bizarre
      • Fast Five
    • Culture
      • All Culture
      • Food
      • Politics
      • Religion
      • Sports
      • Travel
    • Entertainment
      • All Entertainment
      • Arts
      • Comic Books
      • Games
      • Literature
      • Movies & Television
      • Music
    • Misc
      • All Miscellaneous
      • Crime
      • Education
      • History
      • Humor
      • People
    • Science
      • All Science
      • Animals
      • Engineering
      • Health
      • Nature
      • Technology
    • Write For Us
    • Sponsors
      • Become a Sponsor
      • Our Sponsors
    Toptenz.net
    Music

    Top 10 Cynical Christmas Songs

    Jacob TrowbridgeBy Jacob TrowbridgeDecember 13, 2012Updated:October 12, 201511 Comments6 Mins Read
    Facebook Twitter Pinterest LinkedIn Tumblr Email
    WhatsApp
    Reddit
    Share
    Email
    Tweet
    Pin
    0 Shares

    Every December (or more often, late November) radio listeners are bombarded with themes of merriment, prosperity, and togetherness, written about in traditional holiday music. It’s uplifting for the easily uplifted, but a joyless purgatory for those who dread the upcoming holiday season, a frostbitten limbo we’re forced to endure until the Christmas tree has dried up. Here’s a list of musicians who feel the same way.

    10. Barenaked Ladies feat. Michael Buble: Elf’s Lament

    Sung from the point of view of overworked and under-appreciated elves, this song lulls the listener in with a jaunty rhythm and some brightly harmonized lyrics about vague Christmas sentiments. But upon repeated listens, it becomes much too easy to see the parallels between our sprightly (albeit dissatisfied) protagonists and the working conditions of real-world laborers who painstakingly toil over our Christmas gifts, many of which will be tossed in a closet to collect dust until next winter. Even Michael Buble, a cheerful crooner and all-around nice guy, can’t take the sting out of lyrics like “a full indentured servitude can reflect on one’s attitude.” So when picking out which toy to give your bratty child this year, please “consider the price to an elf.”

    9. Fall Out Boy: Yule Shoot Your Eye Out

    If you’re looking for a cynical Christmas song, it’s a safe bet to assume you’re not going to find a better source than emo-punk practitioners. Fall Out Boy delivers some typical fare about broken hearts and overdramatic threats, but does so with a hint of cheer, rallying behind hopes that this Christmas will be a good one. They’ve moved on from this failed relationship and can now spend a full 24 hours watching A Christmas Story. So there’s that.

    8. Fountains of Wayne: The Man in the Santa Suit

    It’s no doubt that kids love going to the mall to sit on Santa’s lap, but it clearly takes an extraordinarily patient and dedicated man to put up with all the unprovoked tantrums, putrid smells, and occasional spit-ups that those children can bring. With that in mind, Fountains of Wayne ask us to empathize with the guys who have to look “jolly and hairy” all year round just to don the red suit in December, but also realize that it’s a job like any other and these guys are mostly “doing it just for the loot.”

    7. Billy Idol: Yellin’ at the Xmas Tree

    If anyone knows the pitfalls of an all-night drunken spree, it’s probably Billy Idol. But here Idol lays off the bottle long enough to sing about his father’s binging the night before Christmas. He laments how his dad “had too much Jack” to hear the carolers singing, or even to notice that his wife went to bed with a bearded man who recently dropped down their chimney. As the title implies, he’s more concerned with screaming at a decorative pine tree.

    6. Fitz & the Tantrums: Santa Stole My Lady

    Christmas is the time of year to give, sure, but it can also be a season for thievery. Namely, stealing someone else’s woman. This story tells the tale of Santa’s infidelities, shedding some light on exactly what it is he does the one night a year when Mrs. Claus isn’t around. Of course, this isn’t the only song that explains how adulterous the fat man can be (I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus let us in on the secret years ago), but it might be the most depressing. How can you not feel bad for lead singer Michael Fitzpatrick when he sings “I woke up to my woman kissing Santa, not me” before advising others “not to be fooled” by those nice fairy tales they’ve heard, lest they too end up all alone on Christmas.

    5. Ben Folds: Bizarre Christmas Incident

    Expletives abound in this funky tune about St. Nick getting stuck in an unwitting homeowner’s chimney and burning to death. Not something you’re likely to hear your neighbors caroling on your front door, unless you live in a very strange and terrifying neighborhood. The possibility of a lawsuit seems of greater concern to Folds than the fact that Santa Claus has just been roasted over an open fire: a true testament to how little he cares for this holiday.


    4. Blink-182: I Won’t Be Coming Home for Christmas

    Like most Blink-182 songs, this one is a bouncy, pseudo-punk jam, chocked full of insults and sophomoric euphemisms. The difference is that, this time, it has some bells ringing in the background. Still, it’s hard not to admire their honesty, particularly in the chorus:

    “It’s Christmas time again
    It’s time to be nice to the people you can’t stand all year
    I’m growing tired of all this Christmas cheer
    You people scare me
    Please stay away from my home”

    3. The Killers: Don’t Shoot Me Santa

    Though there’s nothing about the instrumentation that would allude to this being a Christmas song (in fact, it wouldn’t sound out of place on their Sam’s Town album,) it makes sense that these Vegas boys would craft a carol that’s free of the bells and whistles of typical holiday standards. Besides, it would be hard to imagine sleigh bells backing the desperate pleas of a child begging for mercy from a man who’s supposed to deliver joy, not murder, on December 25th. The highlight of this weird tune? Brandon Flowers’ growling while he channels a menacing Santa Claus hellbent on “killing just for fun.”

    2. John Denver: Please Daddy (Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas)

    Who knew that John Denver could be so cynical? Of all the examples of family drama on this list, none can touch the depressing heights reached when a 7-year-old begs his Dad not to stagger home drunk on Christmas. The worst part? He’s not doing it for himself, but because he can’t stand to see his Mama cry. Infused with his regular country twang, Denver invokes real heartbreak when recalling a previous incident in which his mother, anticipating a disappointing situation, begins to well with tears. It makes you wonder if Denver left out the part about his dad decking something other than the halls.

    1. Sufjan Stevens: Did I Make You Cry on Christmas Day? (Well, You Deserved It)

    King of the quirky Christmas song, Sufjan Stevens has entire albums that could’ve been included in this list, but this track earns a special place for its somber depiction of a breakup during what’s supposed to be the most joyful holiday of the year. Stevens paints a picture so depressingly grim and accurate that it’s hard not to reflect on your own past relationships, and wonder how you’d deal if you’d endured a traumatic split on Christmas Day.

    Written By Jacob Trowbridge


    Other Articles you Might Like

    Previous ArticleTop 10 Best Sculptures in the United States
    Next Article Top 10 Weird Sales Boosts

    11 Comments

    1. Jasper Feck on December 4, 2013 4:37 pm

      hehe bookmaked. Keeping this for future reference appreciated heap
      good songs fralalala 🙂

    2. Shattered Doll on December 16, 2012 9:54 pm

      There’s also Type O Negative’s ‘Red Water (Christmas Mourning)’ – One of my personal faves.

    3. ParusMajor on December 14, 2012 3:35 pm

      I’m not sure if this is a cynical Christmas song or just kinda sad, but here you go, “Lonely This Christmas” : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NJ6kJ7GWtv0

    4. skywatcher on December 14, 2012 10:42 am

      Where is “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer.”? Now, that’s cynical.

    5. Tasmanian Devil on December 13, 2012 7:37 pm

      Check out the Kevin Bloody Wilson song “Santa Claus You C**t”. It’s hilarious.

    6. Paul on December 13, 2012 10:01 am

      i went through the list a couple of times, and it appears that you forgot Corey Taylor’s song “X-M@$”

    7. Milo Balls on December 13, 2012 6:49 am

      Wait no I was wrong….

      Happy Xmas (war is over) – John Lennon
      The Fairytale of New York – The Progues
      The Night Santa Went Crazy – Weird Al

      • ParusMajor on December 14, 2012 3:29 pm

        The Pogues, dude. But otherwise I do agree. 🙂

    8. Milo Balls on December 13, 2012 6:45 am

      The Kinks — Father Christmas…that is all.

    9. Graham on December 13, 2012 4:11 am

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RXCEdrnaFlY

      I Belive in Father Christmas by Greg Lake should have been at the top of this list

      • Peter Boucher on December 13, 2012 4:37 pm

        @ Graham. EXACTLY. I am a huge EL&P fan. I have seen them 3 times and were fantastic. But they are the Kings of pretention. “I Believe In Father Christmas” is actually a classical piece of music by the Russian Composer Sergei Prokofiev (1891-1953) entitled “Lt. Kije Suite”. I bet its safe to say that 20-25% of EL&P’s music is lifted from composers of Classical Music. Great Post you have made…….

    Follow us!
    • YouTube
    • Facebook
    • Twitter
    New Top 10 Lists
    • How Does Hyperthymesia Work?
    • 10 Awkward Funeral Moments
    • How Does Cryptobiosis Work?
    • Is Immortality Actually Possible?
    • What is the Most Dangerous Drug in the World?

    Our newest biography website and YouTube channel. Biographics – History, One Life at a Time.

    RSS Latest Biographies from Biographics
    • King George VI – The Reluctant Monarch
    • Arnold “The Brain” Rothstein – The Founding Father of Organized Crime
    • Phil Hartman – Comedy’s Greatest Tragedy
    Most Shared New Articles
    10 Awkward Funeral Moments10 Awkward Funeral Moments0 Total Shares
    How Does Hyperthymesia Work?How Does Hyperthymesia Work?0 Total Shares

    Privacy Policy | TopTenz T-Shirts | Sponsors

    propertag.cmd.push(function() { proper_display('toptenz_sticky_1'); });

    Type above and press Enter to search. Press Esc to cancel.