A long, long, long time ago, humanity survived a diet of fruit, nuts, and the occasional small mammal. Not anymore. Of our many food inventions since we grew sick of nuts, none could be less similar to the early human diet than fast food. The troughs of french fries, skyscraper burgers, dustbin lid pizzas, seasoned with gallons of grease, mounds of salt, and fountains of melted cheese would make even the toughest Oog clench his stomach in disgust.
Even worse, humanity’s appetite has once again evolved to find the old ’50s fast food staples boring. Our bellies crave something new, something bigger, and far greasier. Fast food restaurateurs, knowing their customers all too well, have adapted their menus to meet these new demands.
In order to celebrate (or mourn, depending on how you look at things) the return of the KFC Double Down, here are some other steroid-infused fast food abominations that will very likely send you and your poor, poor heart to the ER in record time.
10. Deep-Fried Mars Bar
It’s fair to say there are very few who haven’t encountered the tale of Scotland’s infamous deep-fried Mars bar, but let’s take a minute to actually analyse the process through which this über-chocolate is created. For starters, there is no special, separate fryer for the Mars bars. Instead, it is submerged in the same oil as fish, sausages, chips, and whatever else they choose to dunk in that day. So if you ever crave a batter-coated candy bar flavored with a hint of salmon, this snack’s for you.
9. Vortex Bar and Grill’s Double Bypass Burger
Normally, in an attempt to supplement the standard burger, fast food chefs focus on what goes between the buns. The pioneering team at Vortex Bar in Atlanta, however, decided to tamper with the buns themselves. The Double Bypass Burger replaces the outdated sesame bun with a pair of thick-cut grilled cheese sandwiches. It would take a man with hands the size of shovels to get his mitts round the vast girth of this tower of cheese and beef and take a bite. We’ll stick to knives and forks.
8. Hot Dog Stuffed Crust
Stuffed crust pizza is not a new addition to the Domino’s Pizza family. In addition to the original cheese-stuffed crusts, there are various flavors all over the world, such as BBQ sauce-injected crust, fried chicken crust, and many others. However, Dominos clearly plummeted to the depths of utter madness with their latest release, a crust filled with a series of watery, rubbery frankfurters. Has anybody ever eaten hot dog ON their pizza? No? So why does Domino’s think that hiding it away in the crust will make us suddenly love the idea? Shame on you, Domino’s.
7. Burger King’s Pizza Burger
Presumably in a bid to resolve the age-old quandary of whether to have pizza or abBurger, the masters of all things beef at Burger King came up with a solution: the Pizza Burger. Clocking in at a daunting 2500 calories, the colossal patty is placed in a 9 ½” bun before being cut into pizza-style slices. Though it’s currently only available at BK’s flagship Times Square burger bar in New York, reports indicate that this hefty sandwich is very popular both with natives and tourists wanting to have a first-hand encounter with North America’s much documented gluttony. So expect the damn thing to tour eventually.
6. Sonic’s Bacon-and-Peanut-Butter Milkshake
Even at the best of times, the combination of bacon and peanut butter is a risky one. Just ask Elvis Presley, who coincidentally died of a massive heart attack at the tender age of 42.
However, combining these two flavors alongside up to six scoops of ice cream in a 25-ounce shake drags this calorific combination down to uncharted depths of Food Hell. Sonic offers the shake in four sizes, and the largest packs a staggering 1720 calories with 118 grams of fat and 128 grams of sugar. The 55 grams of saturated fat constitutes a staggering 275% of its recommended daily value. Elvis, if you were alive today, you wouldn’t be for very long.
5. Fat Sal’s Big Fat Fatty
Weighing in at a hefty 10 pounds, Fat Sal’s appropriately-named Big Fat Fatty is easily the biggest eat on this list. Based in California, local icon Fat Sal challenges his customers to eat the leviathan in under 40 minutes. In the unlikely situation that you finish it, it’s on him — otherwise, its $49.99.
The 27″ sandwich comprises a veritable shopping list of the meatiest, cheesiest sandwich fillings available: five cheeseburgers, 1.5 pounds of pastrami, 1.5 pounds of cheese steak, 10 rashers of bacon, 10 chicken fingers, 10 onion rings, 10 mozzarella sticks, 10 jalapeño poppers, five eggs, french fries, and a generous topping of marinara sauce. In short, prepare to fork over the 50 bucks.
4. Annie’s Burger Shack’s “Sunday Dinner” Burger
From Fat Sal’s on the Golden Coast right across the Atlantic to Nottingham, Annie’s Burger Shack has garnered a reputation for taking a high quality half-pound beef burger, and enhancing it with a number of creative toppings. None of these toppings are wackier than the Sunday Dinner Burger, putting a spin on the plain old patty by combining it with Britain’s beloved roast. The burger is topped with a whole roast chicken breast, roast potatoes, Yorkshire pudding, stuffing, and veg, topped off with a rich home-made gravy.
While the gravy-saturated buns must make it damn near impossible to pick the burger up (like with the Double Bypass Burger, you’ll likely resort to the more socially acceptable knife and fork), Annie’s Burger Shack must be celebrated for putting some American-style fast food creativity on British shores.
3. Krispy Kreme’s Sloppy Joe
The concept of sweet-and-savory is not a new one in the world of food, but Krispy Kreme’s off-the-wall combination of beef, Sloppy Joe sauce, and cheddar cheese between one of their world-famous glazed doughnuts is sure to astound even the biggest lovers of fusion food. If you’re not a fan of Sloppy Joes, this sandwich will do nothing to change your mind. Even if you ARE a fan, the normally-delicious doughnut spewing out mincemeat looks like a damned alien autopsy, and might turn you off to the classic dinner forever.
2. Deep-Fried Pizza
Another example of roided-up fast food from Scotland, the deep-fried pizza is probably the greasiest example of convenience food you’re ever going to encounter. Just think about that snail-trail of grease left behind in the box after you’ve eaten a regular oven-baked pizza, and imagine the oily puddle that would remain after eating a deep fried pizza. Did the Glaswegian chip shop owner who invented this monster have the idea planned out in his head all along, or did he have an Isaac Newton-esque moment of divine intervention by accidentally dropping the whole pizza in the deep fat fryer? The fact that the pizza is first coated in the traditional “fish-style” batter to give it an added crunch makes us err towards the former.
As if all this wasn’t enough, the deep-fried pizza is generally supplied with a generous helping of chips. In case you were still hungry.
1. Kebab Pizza
Though the exact location of its genesis is unknown, no other creation is more deserving of the top spot than the Kebab Pizza. The creation process is simple, yet imaginative — the contents of an entire Doner kebab (including salad and chili sauce) are carefully placed on a classic Margarita Pizza. One establishment in Salford, Greater Manchester is reported to put another pizza on top of the first, creating a Kebab-Pizza-Sandwich of sorts. The calories of this abomination are undisclosed, probably because the average person would suffer a heart attack just from hearing the amount, never mind ingesting it.