Thousands upon thousands of stock photos have been taken, so it was inevitable that a few would prove to be a bit weird. But the following strange stock photo pictures don’t just lack any sort of practical purpose—they’re a glimpse into madness. Join us as we try to determine what kind of man says to himself, “If I take a picture of a dog holding an axe, people will buy it.”
10. A Redneck Dog with an Axe in His Hands
One of the great things about stock photos is that their titles spell out exactly what you’re getting. There’s no attempt to explain the logic behind this photo—you’re just told, “Here is a picture of a redneck dog wielding an axe,” as if those are a dime a dozen.
We’re not sure if it’s supposed to be whimsical or funny or what, but the dog’s vacant expression just makes it creepy. It looks like it was taken moments before the little guy put his axe through the photographer’s skull. Buy it.
9. Funny Caucasian Man
Okay, we lied. The titles usually spell out exactly what you’re getting—but in this case the only way “Funny Caucasian Man” could be more misleading is if it was a picture of Dane Cook.
We’d suggest “Gay Stripper Halloween Costume,” or maybe “Walking Childhood Trauma.” What possible use could this photo have? A mascot proposal for a Turkish prison themed amusement park? Buy it.
8. Senior Woman Eating Red and Blue Popsicles
Maybe we just have dirty minds, but something about the following photo looks a little… unseemly. Do you see what we’re getting at?
But perhaps we’re just perverts. Come on, there’s no way they did that on purpose, right? It’s probably just an innocent misunder—
Okay, never mind. These are definitely being used as ads for some septuagenarian sex site. And probably not even a good one. Buy the first, buy the second.
7. A Real Funny Face
A real funny face? So that’s probably like a clown face, or something? Well, how bad could that b—oh God, what is that?!
Don’t make eye contact! It looks through your soul! It looks through your soul! Buy it.
Phew, okay. That’s better. Sorry, we’ll try to avoid any more pictures like —
Ah! Ahhhh! Buy it.
6. Young Pregnant Wife with Her Husband Playing with Dolls
It’s tough being a pregnant woman, and it’s even tougher when your husband is an insane one eyed man and you live in a house that was apparently abandoned halfway through construction.
They’re not playing with those dolls. Look at the man’s cold face and the woman’s fear, then try to tell us they’re “playing.” This is either the world’s least functional marriage or its most twisted hostage situation. Either way, if those dolls were real babies the first words they’d speak would be “end our suffering!” Buy it.
5. Mother and Son Enjoy Hot Fresh Baked Cookies in Their Kitchen While Wearing Gas Masks
Combining gas masks with cookie baking makes about as much sense as combining a daycare centre with a halfway house for sex offenders. Look, if you have to wear a gas mask in your own home, fresh cookies shouldn’t be your top priority. How are you even going to eat that, kid?
But this was probably just some weird, one-off photo. It’s not like there’s a whole series of these or anything. Oh, wait:
Okay, but still, how many of them can there—
4. Man Dressed as Banana Kicking Man Dressed as Dog Lying on Ground
Whether you’re looking to put a wacky spin on the issue of animal abuse, or you just want a picture that exemplifies insanity, Getty has you covered:
Although we have to admit, this photo is well taken—the rage on the banana’s face looks genuine. Maybe putting on that costume made him realise his career had hit a low point. The guy in the dog suit is probably his agent. Buy it.
3. Female Taxidermist with a Beard of Stuffed Mice
On the scale of inappropriate uses for taxidermy, cross-dressing with a beard of dead mice is second only to exploring new and exciting methods of bestiality.
Actually, you know what? We think the beard is even creepier. Those are real mice, aren’t they? The cold, dead expression on the woman’s face gives it away. We know nobody goes into the stock photo business expecting fame and fortune, but we doubt that poor lady was planning to hear, “Okay, now for this next photo we’re going to glue dead mice to your face. Then you’ll be a star!” Buy it.
2. Chicken in a Kitchen Cupboard with Girl Touching
We’ve all been in this situation. You go into the kitchen looking for the Froot Loops, but when you open the cupboard you encounter a portal to the land of chickens.
It’s just the sort of practical, everyday situation that stock photos were made for. You know how you always tentatively reach out to the chickens, like you’re making first contact with an alien in a sci-fi movie? This photo captures that perfectly. It’s like you’re there, man! Buy it.
1. Family Having Meal at Home
What could possibly be wrong with a picture of a family meal, you ask? Well, this family meal comes with a side dish of child molestation. Buy it.
It’s just a bad angle, right Guys? Guys?
There’s probably some sort of innocent explanation behind this photo. We just have no idea what it is. And we don’t want to look at it any longer to try and figure it out.
We left the stock photo information and a link to buy them on all these photos in order to give full credit to the companies that created them. Even though the examples in this post are downright bizarre, stock photography is a useful and important thing. And stuff.