Top 10 Reasons Gingers Are Your Worst Nightmare

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OK, that’s enough; the jokes are over.  For too long, my brethren and I have sat idly by, while you and your stupid little buddies mock us.  “Gingers. BAH,” you spit with disgust.  “They have no souls.  They can’t walk in the daytime.  They’ll steal people’s children in the night.  They’re like pale Pokemon: gotta kick ‘em all!”

For awhile, we put up with it.  Jokes, right?  Nothing wrong with that.  Hell, joking is one of the ways I make my money.  But, after years of this, it’s time to come right out and let you all know: you have kicked a giant hornet’s nest.  Us gingers?  We’re actually your worst nightmare.  Not in the steal-your-babies kind of way, either.  No, we’re just plotting to take over the entire planet, like Pinky and The Brain wanted to but never could.

10.  We Stand United

redheadday

Are you aware that an entire festival exists, devoted entirely to us?  It’s called Redheadday, and it’s just what it sounds like.  Thousands upon thousands of gingers flock to one area in the Netherlands and plot your demise.  Also, we eat a lot of meat and drink a lot of booze because, while we may be coming together to end you all, it’s still a funtime festival where you gotta get fat and blitzed. Also, it happens every year.  And the numbers grows and grows each time.  Redheadday 2012 is scheduled to take place in September, with several thousand projected attendees.

The Mayan calendar says the world will end in December.  The obvious conclusion; we’re giving you all a slight head start before we unleash Hell.

Learn More About The Gathering Grounds

9.  We Will Steal Your Men

hot-redhead-girl

It’s no secret that ginger women are regularly ogled, despite supposedly being evil soulless rangas.  The stereotype is a nice one: our women are absolute firecrackers in bed and once you go red, all other girls might as well be dead.  Case in point?  Google some pictures of Tori Amos from the early-to-mid 90’s and tell me that is not your fantasy incarnate.  Hell, even now she’s better than whoever’s currently #1 on your lame Hot Babes list.

Another case in point?  Lindsay Lohan was once a redhead, and was universally deemed to be absolutely smoking hot.  She goes blonde, and magically turns into a crack-addled psychopath who looks about 30 years older than she really is.  She is not yet actually 30, by the way. So the sexy redhead thing is true, you ask?  Well, yes.  Please don’t resist.  The more that you guys realize this, the more our girls can seep into your bedrooms and latch onto your men like blood-sucking parasites.

8.  We Will Also Steal Your Women

ginger-guy

Us ginger guys usually get the crap end of the stick here.  While ginger girls are hot, gingers guys are Alfred E. Newman from MAD Magazine: pale, freckly-faced little demons that often look like they weren’t fully cooked prior to being born.

Well, that’s about to change.  Dedicated soldiers like Conan O’Brien, Seth Green, and that Anakin Skywalker-looking hunk up above (who may or may not be me), have been infiltrating the mind of your women for decades now, and the ladies are finally realizing that, yes, redheaded guys are a fetish worth exploring.  We’re quirky, we’re funny, and we are every bit as firecracker-y (for lack of a better, actual, word) in the bedroom as our female brethren. The word is out and it can’t be silenced.  Blondes have more fun?  Sure, WITH THEMSELVES.

7.  We’re Endangered And Desperate

lonely-redhead

Our backs are kind of against the wall in a couple respects.  For one thing, we’re endangered.  A mere 2% of the population are redheads, and the number may well be dwindling.  We must procreate, we must spread the seed, we must live on!  And if that means enslaving all of you, and working extra hard to make more of us, then so be it.

Keep in mind, it’s not like a Gattaca-style machine exists, where we can tell our body what we want our baby to look like.  And we’re fully aware our gene is recessive, so not every offspring is going to be a blessed redhead.  No, we’ll just have to try and try again, until we at least make it up to 5%.  After that, we’ll take an inventory and see how much enslaving still needs to be done.

SCIENCE!

6.  We Can Hulk Up At Any Time

 

carrot-top-steroids

We may or may not require extensive medication to pull this off.

5.  The Temper Thing Is Real

angry-redhead

Here’s yet one more reason to not mess with us: everything you’ve heard about the redhead temper?  It’s true.  It’s DAMN true.  We don’t take a lot of crap lying down and, if we’re going to invade your towns and take over, we’re going to do it with the ferocity of 100,000 rabid wolverines, crossed with another 100,000 honey badgers. It’s not always the best trait to have, to be sure.  If we don’t keep our temper in check while living our everyday lives, then we’re probably going to screw ourselves out of at least one job opportunity, and more than a few relationships.

Luckily, the GingerVasion isn’t about building relationships or keeping a job.  So consider this your warning: go down to your nearest comic book store, find an issue of Red Hulk, study it, and weep for your future.

4.  We Can Fight FOREVER

redhead-boxer

So you want to rumble?  Tired of us enslaving your people and taking your lovers for our own?  Good luck.  Even those of us who haven’t used extensive medication to get big ol’ muscly arms are going to put up a fight.  And even if you get lucky and hit us, it’s gonna be real hard to keep us down.  Extensive scientific research has shown redheads are actually much harder to knock out than people who can actually tan.  This applies in all cases: doctors oftentimes use more anesthetic to knock us out prior to surgery, and we rarely get knocked unconscious.

I can attest to this based on personal experience.  During my entire time at college, where I had my share of drinking binges (one time I ate a whole damn bowl of Jell-O shots, unaware that you’re only supposed to eat two or three cubes at the most), and never once blacked out.  When I was six years old, I went in for surgery, and distinctly remember waking up in the middle of the operation.  Oh, they put me back down real fast.  But I distinctly remember those few seconds of being on the operating table, aware of what they were doing to me and my supple little body, and being less-than-thrilled about it. So let that all sink, and then let me know if you STILL wanna fight.

Why Even Doctors Fear Us

3.  Everyone Wants To Be Us

 

dyed-red-hair

As I mentioned earlier, 2% of us are natural redheads.  But at least 2% of you guys and girls are fake redheads.  Hair dye, of all colors, is popular, but there just seems to be something about taking a bucket of red paint and dunking your head in it that positively tickles the imagination of so many.

And, while you might think we’d be offended by so many people pretending to be us when they’re really not, it’s OK.  If you want to be a redhead, then that’s only one step away from SLEEPING with one.  Gotta find out how the other half lives.  Not that we’re even close to half of you or anything.  Yet.

This hair-dye thing applies to both men and women by the way.  You mainly see fake redheaded women, but dudes get into the act as well.  And that’s OK too.  The more people who get corrupted by their desire to be just like a real-live ginger, then the easier it becomes for us to attain our ultimate goal.

2.  We’re About To Snap

south-park-ginger-kids

Back in 2005, South Park put out an entire episode dedicated to Cartman’s hatred of redheads.  Some of you people have taken this episode just a wee bit too seriously, taking on Cartman’s ramblings as your own.  Yes, we do have souls.  They might be filthy and polluted (OK fine, definitely are), but they’re still souls.

And why in the name of Hell would you listen to Cartman, of all people?  The whole point of the character is that he’s a bigoted little turd who deserves every bad thing that comes his way; hardly a role model for your outlook on life. So yes, we’re all aware that you listened to a cartoon piece of construction paper and decided that he was right about people who have strawberry tint on their heads.  You don’t think this ridiculous bias irks us?  You don’t think it pisses us off when the biggest sperm bank on the planet stops accepting seed from redheads because nobody wants a redheaded baby?  You don’t think we’ll remember all this when we’re deciding all your fates?

And, for the record, when I say “all of your fates”, I mean you dummies who watch the show, and want to kick gingers because of it.  I mean the people who turn their noses up at the very idea of a ginger child.  The guys who write South Park and tell the jokes, they get it.  They know Cartman is satire.  They will be spared, unless of course they insist on making a sequel to BASEketball.  Then all bets are off.

South Park Is The Way, The Truth, And The Life Sperm Bank Hates Customers

1.  We Will Steal All Your Sunscreen

redhead-sunscreen

This might initially seem like a random, moot point.  Between all the threats of takeover, slavery, and fistfights to the death, I‘m actually going to brag about SUNSCREEN?  Yes, yes I am.  Because in case you haven’t heard, the Earth is getting warmer.  Icecaps are melting, and the ozone layer is still thinning out.  Go to your local Wal-Mart and find the sunscreen?  See those bottles of SPF 110?  One hundred ten!  Who needs that much protection?  Well, all of you, at the rate this planet’s going.

Not that we care. See, we’re used to this. We’re naturally pale, and the sun is our mortal foe. So from birth on, we’re used to being slathered in SPF 60/70/100/110, and oftentimes that’s STILL not enough.  So when the SP 150 and SPF 200 start becoming commonplace, while you sun worshipers scoff at the idea of anyone needing such a strong solar shield, we will silently horde it all for ourselves.

And when the Earth inches ever-so-closer to burning up, like a steak left far too long on the grill, you might well show up at the gates of Redheadday, on your knees, begging us for a slather of sweet, sweet, sun protection. And we just might give it to you.  For a price.

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Jason Iannone is a writer, editor, and would love to branch out into the Seth Green Impersonator business as well. Like him on Facebook, follow him on Twitter, and send him all your sunscreen.


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58 Comments

  1. There is a difference between a ginger and a redhead.

    I’ve dyed my hair RED lots, but never the orange hue of a ginger.

  2. Lol, great list. I’m a brunette, but my husband has red hair and your points are absolutely true (especially the one about the temper and how they are in bed!) He’s also a wonderful person and my best friend. Hooray for redheads!

  3. “our women are absolute firecrackers in bed and once you go red, all other girls might as well be dead”

    Truest statement ever.

  4. This long-legged, blue-eyed, all natural ginger agrees 100%!

    By the way, who’s that stone fox in point #8? Some dude in a wig, most like. 😉

  5. I have a cousin who is a ginger with curly hair and is about 6’1″. He taught in Japan for about a year and he said every day on the train ride to and from work he would be submersed in a sea of shorter straight black haired people which he stuck out like a soar (you know what) in. He told me on average he would have around 100+ people ask him if they could touch his hair every day. Great list btw.

  6. Redhead Metalhead on

    I’m ginger, but I despise any sort of us versus them mentality. Not that I like being made fun of, but most of that stuff I got was back when I was in elementary, middle, and high school, and if anything, I prefer to spread a more peaceful message as opposed to a more vengeful perspective.

    So, frankly, I hate this article (if it’s being serious, of course).

    • I regret to inform you that you will not be used an a breeder when we gingers enslave all of mankind. Have a nice day!

  7. cmonster the zombie on

    Not mentioned was a supposedly scientific fact that redheaded women feel pain more than blondes or brunettes. Might be a disadvantage when involved in a catfight for dominance.

    Frankly I hope the redheads get their takeover. Zombies such as I prefer redheads. Y’all taste like Popeye’s spicy chicken.

    Delish!!!!

  8. As the mother of a pistol of a redhead ( he’s three) are there any books or anything that you know of that I can read to him to help him understand why he has red hair? Apparently some punk ass brats at school told him his hair was evil and weird. Poor little angel doesnt understand and it breaks my heart. I’m blond and my hubs is a brunette. Noone in our immediate family is a redhead so it makes it difficult for him to understand. He is the absolute cutest thing ever and his hair color is part of what makes him so cute. but kids can be so cruel to one another.

    • I can’t remember the name of the guy, but he has a whole line of books. The books already written are about being bullied, maybe he’s written something that can help you. GOOGLE…”Ginger Ninja”. Good luck!

    • Kids can be cruel, no getting around that. I took a bunch of crap until middle school, when I knocked out 3 teeth of a kid who told me that I lost at the game of life when I was born a redhead. I see that there’s a “kick a redhead” day now, great. FYI to all of you out there, we are the most violent angry bunch you will ever meet when wronged, so please come try to kick us. Now the only people who really still call me ginger etc are short guys trying to make themselves feel better after I steal their women. Tell your son that he’s a lucky member of the 1%, and that they are just jealous. When he gets older the red fire will emerge and it won’t matter. The only thing women tell me now is that I look like the guy from Homeland, not a bad thing. Red Power!!!!

  9. Carrot Top after botched face surgery is downright ugly. Maybe him becoming a Skin Head would be less horrible.

  10. So true :). I have darker red hair now, but I was born a ginger and I still have all of the attitude attributes 😉 and I love it. Awesomest top 10 ever. My fav was number 1. Muahahahahaha.

  11. hahah im mexican but Im naturally redhead,,,,,
    since my first lenguage its spanish im not sure about the difference between ginger and redhead,,,
    i thought it was 2 ways for the same adjetive,,,,,

  12. Reason 0: We are descended from some of the most awesome warriors on the planet! Not the Irish and Scots – the largest percentage of redheads are descended from the Norse, or as most people know them, the Vikings!

  13. There’s a difference between gingers and redheads. I have 2 brothers who are gingers and my mom is a ginger as well. They’re all nuts and overly emotional.

  14. Ginger dudes are the best looking boys on earth! I would only date redheads if I could, they always look like they smell and taste good.

  15. I take issue with women who dye their hair red it pisses me off to no end, I do not find it flattering and here is the reasoning behind my anger. She did not earn the battle scars that we redheads have, I have had spit balls hurled into my hair, countless ugly remarks about my hair. So, here is a message to all those dye jobs out there “You did not earn the right to wear that red hair” and no you cannot imitate the fire that comes from being born a redhead!

    • Ha ha ha!!! I agree with you 100%!! Being one of very few redheads in my entire school (elementary through high), the kids were HORRIBLE!

  16. I despise redheads, because they are mean for no reason at all. They use brunettes as “friends” to hang out with, just because they want to be noticed.I never saw a ginger, hang around with another ginger. Why is that? I had a redhead boyfriend, and he was an awful person . he hated other people and other people hated him in return. I was so glad to break up with him.I will never date another redhead/ginger again. I am glad, there is only2% left. They are devils.If a blonde marries another blonde or a blonde marries a brunette, maybe this will stamp out the redhead gene. I am a blonde and Viking/Irish combination, And will only date blonde or brunette men. They are a nicer sexier type of man.

    • Yep, one of the dumbest comments I’ve ever read on here. I hope you know, your Irish heritage almost assures you have the recessive red hair gene in your DNA. The rampant racism comes from deeper within though.

      I am brunette with ginger undertones. I like… people… cause people, no matter color (skin or hair) are amazing and interesting things. Morons however, that’s a gene we need to ‘stomp’ out because they are starting to take over, and as the statement goes, “Beware of stupid people in great numbers.”

    • The red-head gene’s recessive honey so you’ll marry your perfect blonde hubby, have a perfect blonde child and then BOOM ginger grand babies. We’re like cockroaches, WE WILL NEVER DIE!!

    • Don’t worry Inga, we have no interest in you at all, you seem like a gross person. Your old boyfriend was probably angry he couldn’t get a hot nice girl who was a decent person, and had to settle for you.

    • If people were nicer in general to redheads they would be nice back, Irish gene… Good luck with that I hope you have ginger babies lol maybe then you will understand why your ex hated people

    • You said it, stand by it Inga. You too should watch “born free” by MIA, you’ll love it. You’re a mean hateful racist person, stand by it.

  17. Well I’m a ginger and I don’t remember ever using any sunscreen . But I do believe if the end of the world were to come we’ll be the 2 % surviving

  18. I agree you redheads are smoking hot. And I even love a few and their children. But I’m the rule and you the exception. Fight your annihilation for as long as possible. When the sun heats up we darker races will do what we’ve always done…create more culture to be stolen when your genes are extracted again. Phoenix crass witches… Adopted children, hns and Neanderthals have been mixing forever. Let my original strain duke it out with yours in the bedroom. Come let’s be civilized andw can make it oh so quick. No hate, just love and peaceful reintegration. Annihilate us all and survive only to become exactly what we are and carry around memory of your deeds against your mothes and fathers, while we reincarnate in your children knowing what you did.

  19. mikewisesux on

    My ex bf was a redhead til he went bald and grey. He’s a narcissistic sociopath. His daughter has red hair and she’s always been promiscuous. She has a readheaded daughter and the child is mean and out of control, throwing things in the toilet, knocking over the garbage can, etc. All 3 of them were juvenile delinquent, misbehaved, monster children. Sadly each generation has gotten progressively worse. They are the definition of evil redheads

    • Oh, and go watch the video by artist MIA called “born free”, you’ll love it. Maybe you can be like one of the cops in the video some day.

    • theres a blonde woman with a family of four blonde kids who she doesn’t feed when her youngest was 2 he would be sat in a push chair in his own filth for hours as she gambled. They have been taken off her. Bad blonde. Her eldest son is in prison. The other two boys do nothing but drugs and her little blonde girl is a hooker… Must be because they are blonde. My brother is also blonde and went to prison for theft. Also because he is blonde. And just to get my point across.. My elderly uncle was robbed last Christmas and when they caught the guy he was blonde… No probs with them gingers tho.

  20. FunnyTrickster on

    I don’t know why, but I’ve suddenly had the urge to want a girlfriend who’s ginger.

    And I want ginger kids

    I’m not ginger myself however

  21. fasewfaewfewaq on

    This is one funeee article! I like your sense of humour! 🙂 Really don’t understand why ginger abuse would have exist. Gingers are beautiful and unique. People who hate gingers probaly hate them out of jealousy.

  22. Orange hair is best hair. Even though as a young kid, I wanted blonde hair/blue eyes, in 2nd grade i had a crush on a red head boy, and then i forgot about my liking redheads until early this year. But I love accents, specifically Scottish/English ones, followed by German ones. and Gingers are soooo adorable as kids/ attractive as adults.

    Granted if i am ever with someone, I’d prefer a nice personality over a nice appearance.

    I don’t understand why people wouldn’t like redheads.. maybe xenophobia? who cares, they are hot to me :))

  23. I was born a redhead, then my hair turned towhead…as I got older, it became darker blond underneath. Now it is several colors, all natural…I call it “ish” colored, reddish, blondish, brownish. Flaky hair, for a flighty girl. LOL

  24. Gingers are the most alluring women. I don’t know why I’m so incredibly attracted to them. I myself am dark haired and of Italian ancestry and have always dated women of Irish ancestry. My XGF is a natural Ginger and was some of the best sex I’ve ever had. She was half Italian half German so that increased the edginess she has. On top of that she’s an Aquarius / Pisces and I’m a Leo which is a freaky combo in the bedroom and all the other places we had in mind. 2 previous girls that I’ve dated were Gingers one Scorpio and one was Aries. Both were fun relationships that grew me as a man. This last one however has been a tumultuous roller coaster and has stretched my limitations and shown me my weaknesses and some odd strengths that become incredibly useful when dealing with this much craziness. I have to admit I enjoyed the challenges of this fire tempered ginger. She still says she likes my crazy and we talk often. I think the Gingers have me hooked.

  25. Little_ginger on

    It is very true that gingers are easily angered and violent. I once broke a boys arm when I was ten because he wouldn’t shut up. I am easily angered, so most people know that you should stay on my good side since I always use violence when I’m angry. Though I have been mocked and bullied since a small child because of my hair colour, it’s one of the many downside to such a rare hair colour.

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