Top 10 Sad Excuses For Drinking Games (They Expect You To Buy)
Anyone can make anything into a drinking game, with just a little imagination and a near-total disregard for one’s liver. So why, pray tell, would you give somebody else money to come up with a game for you? You COULD spend $20 on a box with a bunch of plastic and cardboard inside, booze sold separately. Or you could ignore these sad attempts at your wallet, and put your $20 to better use; namely, more booze.
10. That’s Disgusting
In case the title and poop-shaped box didn’t immediately give it away, the goal in That’s Disgusting is to be drunk and, well, disgusting. Take shots if you can successfully gross out your friends and then, well, keep doing it. We’re not totally sure how you “win” this thing, aside from refusing to play ad leaving to go do literally anything else.
The game includes cards with different ways to be gross, in case you have no imagination whatsoever. Then again, they might be useful once you’re so drunk, that you think the box is a giant Hershey Kiss and attempt to chow down. But before then? We like to think you could gross out your friends without this game’s help, though we may be wrong. We usually are when we assume that somebody would choose to be creative.
But you want a great way to gross everyone out fast? Simple. Just drop trou and make your own version of the game box, right on the table. Your friends will be too busy dry heaving and running away to realize they lost. Then you get to finish their shots. Double win!
It’s one thing to invent a game and then charge for it; it’s a whole other deal to rip off a classic, add shots, and then charge for it. But it takes a whole NEW level of hack to take a rip-off that tons of drunks have made for fun and on the cheap, and create your own version that charges way too much. Battleshots is very much the latter. It’s little more than Battleship with shot glasses in place of boats. Homemade versions of this thing are everywhere, rendering the “official” version only useful to cats, drunken burnouts, and anyone else attracted to shiny things simply due to being shiny.
The rules, regardless of what version you’re using, are the same as the original. Call out a spot and, if you hit a shot, your opponent drinks it. Drink all the shots and you lose. But that’s not all! If you lose, you have to drink your opponent’s remaining shots, on top of having downed all of your own. There are six shots on each side. If you get shut out, you’re drinking twelve shots, and your buddy will likely laugh at you the whole time, because that’s what friends are for. And if you somehow manage to cheat death after all that, maybe you can nurse the inevitable throbbing hangover by relaxing with a game of real Battleship. If the thought doesn’t immediately make you hurl, that is.
8. Piss Artist
What a depressing waste of an awesome title. There’s no pissing, and no art, really. You simply roll dice, navigate a bottle-shaped board game, attempt to draw what the cards suggest, and drink if the other party guesses correctly. The suggestions of what to draw are oftentimes ribald, because humanity is so G-rated when left to their own devices.
So why is the title so sad? Because it’s false advertising at its finest. Piss artists are exactly what you think they are; an artist who creates using fecal matter and urine. Because if you’re enough of a starving artist, there are some days where you can’t even afford paint.
The Piss Artists game is not even close to that, unless you choose to bend the rules and pee on the game board anyway. You totally should, by the way. If you want to win this game, there’s no faster way than to just take a giant pee, insist that you CLEARLY just drew the Mona Lisa, and watch everybody drink and collapse.
7. Cardinal Puff
Cardinal Puff is a classic regular drinking game, as in a bunch of braindead broskis get together and drink, while performing what amounts to Simon For Failures. You tap the table, snap your fingers, lift your drink up by two fingers, and attempt to drink every last drop. Fail to do so, and you don’t get to be a Cardinal, and your life becomes meaningless.
Naturally, somebody decided to charge money for the easiest thing to do on the planet. From all we can tell, the Cardinal Puff board game is exactly the same thing as described above, only with directions. That’s perfect for anyone so drunk that they literally can’t write anything down but, for most others, a little handwritten post-it reminding you what to do shouldn’t be too much work. Unless you end up so drunk you can’t read anymore. At that point, you’re on your own, bro.
The images found online don’t tell us much about how the board game is set up, but it hardly matters. The only way it’d be worth it is if you got a free table with your purchase. Then you can play the game, get drunk, wake up, and use the table for normal things. Like lying on it and regretting everything you did the night before.
6. Spin The Bottle
Yes, Spin The Bottle. They took a game anybody can do, even without a bottle (Spin The Remote Control or Spin The Sleeping Kitty work wonders in a pinch,) and made a board game out of it. The game comes with nothing but a board, some cards, and dice. That’s right, there’s nothing to spin! The board has a bottle silhouette in the middle, for anyone who chooses to play Spin The Bottle without first learning where the bottle goes. So the game makers have no problem with showing you where the bottle goes, but if you actually want to spin something? Buy it yourself. After buying our board, naturally.
Depending on where you land, you either kiss somebody, drink, make somebody else drink, collect cards, or spin a bottle. Collect enough of the same card, and you win. Although you only truly win if you kiss somebody and don’t get the crap beat out of you by their jealous lover. Just like the real game, really.
5. Drunken Tower
Nice try, Game. You’re attempting to get around copyrights and such, but Drunken Tower is clearly Jenga with booze. The creators of Jenga could easily sue your ass, if they weren’t too busy laughing at everybody who plays this thing.
You play it exactly like you would regular Jenga (AKA badly,) only each block of wood includes directions on what to do next. Either you drink, or everyone drinks, or you choose who drinks. Make the tower collapse, and you lose and, presumably, drink some more. The rules don’t say anything about this, but you should totally make the now-extremely-drunk loser rebuild the Jenga – excuse us –DRUNKEN Tower. If he fails at any time, make him drink more, and then have him try again. Repeat until he succeeds, or until the nice lady at 911 strongly suggests you stop immediately.
4. The 19th Hole
If you’ve ever wondered how the giant Sentinels from X-Men would fare at a golf course, then you’re more twisted than we could ever hope to be. Get help. But since thinking like this likely means you enjoy a crapton of alcohol as well, then this could well be the game for you. Just remember to get help soon, K?
Here’s The 19th Hole in a nutshell: hit small balls into small holes (oh grow up already,) and then drink accordingly. The longer it takes you to reach the hole, the more you drink. And yes, you’re doing this all with tiny clubs about the size of a real-life golf pencil. In case you were wondering if this game has any pencils of its own, it does. You just need a super-strong microscope to see them (sold separately.)
The makers of this stupid game did get one thing right; like with regular golf, this thing would only be enjoyable with mass amounts of booze. Unless you’re really into Sentinels. Have you gotten that help yet?
Well, somebody won the Tagline Of The Year Award for this one. “A game for people who like to drink beer!” Because the many beers on the box, the many MORE beers on the game board, and the point of the game being to buy as many breweries as possible, was just a tad too subtle.
Brewolopoly, in the most obvious reveal since Tom Hanks turned out to be perfect for Meg Ryan AGAIN, is a Monopoly rip-off, ripped straight from the Stereotypical Beer Drinker’s Bible (with forwards by Norm from Cheers and Homer Simpson.) It comes complete with silly playing pieces such as pretzels and peanuts, the only thing beer drinkers eat, ever. Pizza? Burgers? Bah! Not at THIS bar, buddy!
The goal here is pretty much Monopoly: buy up breweries, form monopolies, make your opponents go bankrupt, the end. Of course the cards, instead of saying you won a beauty contest or need to fix up your hotels, make you do typical drinking game stuff like kiss people, sing 99 Bottles Of Beer, run away from the angry mob who swore they would kill the next person to sing that damned song and, naturally, drink. This seems silly, since a lot of people drink during regular Monopoly anyhow. Gotta entertain yourself during those crucial 7th-13th hours of gameplay somehow.
2. Pukes And Staggers
Finally, a drinking game that acknowledges what’ll happen if you keep playing these damned things. The cover features three poor unfortunate souls ready to hurl their brains out, and the game board has you sliding down chutes of green vomit, which is usually a sign to go to the hospital immediately.
Obviously, this is a Chutes And Ladders rip-off, featuring a drinking challenge on damn near every square. Sometimes it’s goofy, like re-telling a story and drinking if you screw up even one word, and sometimes it’s uncreative and blatant like ALL GIRLS DRINK. By the way: if you’re playing with a bunch of guys, then one of you has to drink in drag. Sorry, the game cannot be denied. Try to look pretty.
Keep in mind: there are many, many squares in this game. Not as many as the original game, but quite a few still. Also, at any time, you could ride a wave of vomit back to the bottom and have to endure extra shots, just to make it back to the top. Technically, the first one to the final square wins but, in all probability, the winner will be whoever doesn’t die along the way.
Here’s how one of the websites selling this thing describes it: “Drinko is a game that is very similar to a game that has been featured on a TV show that happens in the morning and rhymes with pinko.” You just know a team of lawyers high-fived each other over this clever bit of evasion, before going home to play the game, alone, while weeping into their shot glasses over how every inch of their humanity and decency is officially dead and buried.
So yes, it’s Plinko, the way Bob Barker likely imagined it when he was getting sued for trying to sleep with all those Beauties. Place six shots glasses at the bottom of your Drinko board, and let the chip drop into one of them. If it lands in somebody’s designated glass, they drink the shot. If it lands in yours, everybody else drinks. There’s literally no way to win; it goes on until players get bored and decide to do something else, or they all black out.
This lack of an ending has to make Drinko the crappiest of all the gimmicky parody drinking games, because at least you could “win” with the other games. And considering that Plinko is so popular because it’s almost impossible to lose (almost,) this makes the alcoholic version even more pathetic. Granted, it’s hard to play an actual home version of Plinko unless you have connections with the Carey family but, if your night of fun depends on whether or not you get to play this one certain game, you need as much help as Golfing Sentinel Man.
Jason Iannone is a humorist and editor for hire. His Facebook is a rockin’ party, and his Twitter is the awesome afterparty. Tumblr is where he rides out the hangover, and archives anything he writes from anywhere.