The Perfect Crime


If you ever feel like you absolutely have to commit a crime. Your best bet is to do so in Brazil. Though the land of soccer and muggings seems like an odd place to decide to turn someone’s torso into a knife holder and being the only person in prison without a sun tan might make you stand out. Brazil is a top choice for prison as it’s one of the few countries on Earth to offer its inmates a chance to reduce their sentence.

Pictured: The terrifying hell hole that is Brazil.

Pictured: The terrifying hell hole that is Brazil.

You can do this in two ways, the first is to read a book and write a report on it to show that you’ve understood its message. Whether or not the book is a picture book of police officers giving you the middle finger isn’t clear, but we’d hope it’s the case. The second involves your body, since not everyone is blessed with the ability to both read and write. If you don’t want to write a book report, or don’t think reading is gangster enough, other Brazilian prisons offer inmates a chance to reduce their sentence by cycling on bikes, which in turn are connected to generators that provide electricity to the local area. We’d hope this electricity is marketed as such, because honestly, powering an Xbox with the groin sweat of a bank robber sounds amazing.

Then again, this could have the adverse affect of simply making every criminal in Brazil super-smart with cheetah-like speed. Actually scratch that previous advice, Brazil sounds terrifying. Lovely, but terrifying. Don’t go there. Not to commit crime anyway, that would be bad.

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