Justin Bieber is a common target of mockery on the Internet, but in all seriousness, we kind of respect the guy. Sure, his music sucks but, since we’ve finished puberty, we’re not his target market. What’s important is that he’s handling his fame as well as any teenager could reasonably be expected to (the occasional Worst Birthday outburst notwithstanding.)
This is especially impressive considering how crazily obsessive some of his fans are. We’re not exaggerating – a site dedicated to Bieber fanfiction has over 20,000 stories featuring the teenybopper. And, after you see what some of them are about, we think you’ll agree that Bieber needs an extra bodyguard or twenty.
10. Case 55
Let’s begin by getting any preconceptions about Bieber fanfiction being all lovey-dovey out of the way – in Case 55, Selena Gomez has been murdered, and Justin Bieber is the number-one suspect. It’s just like this poorly edited video trailer says:
Bieber claims he didn’t do it, but all the evidence points his way. To make matters worse he’s diagnosed as schizophrenic, which automatically means MURDER KILL DIE in this world, so they throw Bieber in a mental asylum without a trial, because Canada’s justice system is based on North Korea’s.
But plot twist: the doctor treating Bieber is the brother of one of his backup dancers. She murdered Gomez in a fit of jealous rage, and her brother helped her frame Bieber because that’s what family’s for. Together, they keep him locked up and sedated with a special drug, because apparently the dancer is also a genius chemist, and nobody at the hospital objects to one of their doctors using a mysterious drug his sister provides on a patient. Damn, this story makes Canada look terrible.
Anyway, will Justin be able to uncover the truth?! Spoiler alert: yes.
9. 69 Shades Of Pure Bieber
69 Shades, which you may recognize as a reference to both 50 Shades of Grey and Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, is a series of “sexy” vignettes that will ruin your ability to feel love. Only nine chapters have been written so far, but that seems appropriate, considering there are nine circles of Hell.
In the first chapter, Bieber is a teacher who gives a sexy student detention, and they start boning so quickly the teachers in pornos would consider it unprofessional. It really is a masterpiece of erotic writing: the girl “standed up” and unzips Bieber’s zipper to make “his hulk pop out,” and Bieber in turn “didn’t take no time” inserting “his strength.” We feel pretty creepy reading erotic fiction by someone who apparently hasn’t graduated elementary school.
Other highlights include an adult Bieber having sex with his daughter’s best friend, Bieber having sex with various girlfriends in exotic locations like a bedroom, a bathroom, and a different bedroom, and Bieber’s character from CSI kidnapping a girl. You know, all the usual things teenage girls fantasize about.
8. Bad Meets Evil
Speaking of Bieber’s CSI character, his guest spot on the show was so popular that there’s a subsection of stories dedicated to him. His character, Jason, was an angry, sociopathic anti-government serial bomber that killed several cops (and a homeless guy,) and attempted to kill many more. Liking a bad boy is one thing, but you really shouldn’t get attached to serial-killing terrorists. Even though hordes of morons clearly do.
In Bad Meets Evil, Jason kidnaps our edgy (read: horrible) heroine, Isabel, after blowing up a house party they’re both at (and injuring one of her friends in the process). Here’s another video trailer for you:
Jason beats Isabel and threatens to kill her, then decides to sell her to a gang as a prostitute instead. But, when another gang steals Isabel he rescues her, and together they go on the run and fall in love, because it’s always a good idea to date a multiple murder and serial bomber who kidnapped you, threatened to both kill you and sell you into sex slavery, and blew up your best friend. Talk about a great “how we met” story to tell the grandkids.
Oh, and apparently Jason has access to nuclear weapons, a fact that is never brought up again. Although the story isn’t finished yet, so maybe it will end with Jason committing nuclear terrorism. That’s almost as bad as unleashing “Baby” on the world.
7. The Locket of Hair
In fairness to Bieber fanfic writers, most of their stories aren’t as crazy as the ones we’ve looked at so far. Many are of the “Bieber falls in love with a random girl that’s a stand-in for the writer” variety, which is harmless enough.
But The Locket of Hair takes that innocent concept to the extreme; if the website’s word counter is to be believed, this story is over a million words long. For comparison, that’s roughly the same length of all the Harry Potter books combined. In fact, that’s almost as long as In Search of Lost Time, the longest novel ever written. Marcel Proust, JK Rowling and Beebur_4life: truly, some of the greatest writers in history.
So what’s this epic about? Not much. Admittedly we haven’t read the whole thing, because reading a million words of Bieber fanfiction goes beyond research, and into a sign of a mental disorder. But it’s basically just a lot of romantic drama and slice-of-life scenes between Bieber and the heroine, Sam. There are a few odd moments, like when Bieber admits to committing self-harm and Sam freaks right the hell out, only to later act as his therapist. But it’s mostly just a whole lot of inanity; there haven’t been so many words used to say so little since Dianetics was written.
6. Out of My Mind
The Jason character makes an appearance in this story as well, but this time he’s just one of three separate personalities living inside Justin Bieber’s head, because that’s how mental illnesses work. Along with the dangerous Jason, there’s the “shy and scared” Justin and the “calm and sweet” Drew. You know Drew, right?
In addition to being the crazy head of the Bieber Cerberus (the Berberus, if you will,) Jason is bipolar, because apparently the product of a personality disorder can have its own personality disorder. This medical marvel of a man is confined to a mental hospital, where he is of course utterly irresistible to a volunteer named Isabella Cortez.
Bella falls in love with Jason, despite the fact that the author thinks bipolar means someone who randomly acts like a douchebag. Well, if you’re going to date a crazy person, you might as well go all the way. They go on cuddly-wuddly dates to the mall, because people with severe mental disorders are allowed to leave the hospital with minimal supervision if there’s a chance they might score.
Their love is so deep it survives the occasional cheating and beating, but the romance goes awry when it turns out everyone has a dark past and blah blah blah who cares. For those of you who have become emotionally invested in this tale, you’ll be pleased to know that there’s a sequel, I Can Do Bad All By Myself, which is basically Mary Sue and Her Crazy Bipolar Boyfriend: The College Years. We haven’t read it ourselves (our therapists strongly recommended we not,) but any story that takes its title from a Mary J. Blige song has to be good.
5. You Belong To Us. All Three of Us.
Before Justin Bieber became an international pop superstar, he was just a regular teen living in small-town Canada with his two identical brothers. But their simple life is turned upside down when the triplets all fall for the new girl in town! Oh, and also they’re all werewolves, and Scooter Braun (Bieber’s manager in real life) is an evil vampire.
As the title implies, the werebiebs decide to “share” the new girl, Alexandra, which is an unfortunate word choice when referring to a fellow human being. This concern is overshadowed by the implicit tripcestual werewolf orgies. Yeah, okay, technically the story doesn’t go that far, but you just know the author had that image in mind the whole time she was writing this with one hand.
But hey, aside from the possessive werewolves and the evil vampire (which would make a great band name,) it’s your typical tale of high school drama. Will Alex fit in at her new school? Will she decide which of the Biebers she likes the most? Will Count Scooter murder her? You know, teen stuff.
4. 1494 Years
In addition to being the length of an audiobook containing every word of Bieber fanfiction ever written, 1494 Years is a story about Justin Bieber as a psychic ghost. He’s doomed to wander the Earth until he finds his true love, which of course just happens to be a cute and sensitive teenager named Leora.
So let’s do some math. Justin The Friendly Ghost says he died when he was 18, which means he was born in the year 501. For reference, in 501 the Roman Empire had just collapsed, and the Mayan civilization was reaching its peak. From then to now, he couldn’t find one girl who piqued his interest until this one came along? Man, took you long enough to lower those standards of yours.
Before PolterJustin’s life was cut short, he was a blacksmith’s assistant who wanted to pursue a musical career, because that was a viable profession for a teenager in the sixth century. He could have been a hit from Dál Riata to the Kingdom of Burgundy, because both of them would clearly have given the thumbs-up to “Boyfriend.”
We’ll buy that The Ghost of Biebers Past picked up modern speech and mannerisms in his time spent wandering the Earth, but this is still a story of a 1512-year-old macking on a teenager. Calling that statutory rape is like calling the Attack on Pearl Harbor an inconvenient start to your Sunday.
But true love conquers all, including severe personality problems and a millennia-and-a-half’s worth of age differential, apparently. And yet when we hit on teenage girls it’s all “inappropriate” this and “sexual assault” that. There’s no justice in the world.
Justin Bieber is wanted … for the murder of his girlfriend. Again! And this time he really did it, sort of! Except she survived, and now she’s out for revenge. This dumb trailer kind of explains:
Bieber’s no pop star in this story; he’s just a regular teen who fled his small hometown after attempting to murder his gal (she was a huge bitch, so it’s totally fine.) She demonstrates her inherent bitchiness by having her boyfriend kidnap Bieber’s little sister, Jazmyn, and threatening to murder her unless she changes her name to something less stupid. At least that’s their motivation in our superior version of the story.
It’s actually part of a plot to lure Justin back to his hometown so he can be apprehended for attempted murder. You’d think, instead of telling Bieber they broke the law, the bad guys could just tell the police where to find him, but again, Canada’s justice system is weird.
Anyway, Bieber falls in love with a new, less bitchy girl during his adventure, and her life ends up in danger, too. It would all be very dramatic if we could sympathize with any of the characters, but it’s essentially a story about two whiny and arrogant attempted murderers squaring off with each other. The fact that the author thinks people demonstrate emotion by constantly yelling doesn’t help, either. It’s like a very loud, very stupid Shakespearean tragedy, although most of the tragedy comes from us having to read it.
2. Angel of Death
No, this isn’t a story about being granted sweet release from reading Justin Bieber fanfiction. Sorry. It’s about the daughter of the Grim Reaper falling in love with Justin, because not even Death can resist Bieber Fever.
Amelia and David Winter are twin teenagers, not to mention evil beings who have to kill to stay alive. They view humans as insects, and love to abuse their power, but other than that they’re okay kids. We’d criticize the blunt symbolism of giving the name Winter to people who represent Death, but in this case that might actually be giving the author too much credit.
Anyway, Amelia passes out and is rescued by our favorite pop sensation, who actually is a pop star in this story. Amelia tries to consume him, but she can’t because he has “the blood of light.” She flees, and then she does what any evil creature would – she taunts her foe over Twitter.
David is furious that Amelia couldn’t kill Justin, and their dad shows up to give her crap for it, too. He orders them to take Bieber out, and suggests that Amelia get close to him until he lets his guard down, a plan that may be somewhat difficult, considering she told him she was an avatar of evil. But whatever, she can throw a wig on or something. The real question is, will she be able to resist falling in love with him? If you’ve been paying the slightest bit of attention to this article, you already know the answer.
1. The Erotic Prince of Darkness
Oh, no. Oh no oh no oh no. There is no way a story about Justin Bieber called The Erotic Prince of Darkness won’t leave us traumatized. We won’t think any less of you if you turn back now. Here’s a manatee smushing his nose into the glass with a funny sound effect. Stare at that instead. Over and over and over again, if you must.
Now then, ye damned souls that remain, our tale stars Ayanna Penelope, high school student (and probably a future porn star, with that name), and “The Lord of Smirking,” Justin Bieber. Jeez, how many titles does this guy need?
Ayanna is new in town, and she meets Justin in school, because even King Sexgantic needs to go to math class. There’s your typical teen drama, they get a love-hate thing going, and then Ayanna overhears Bieber masturbating in the washroom. That’s pretty pathetic, considering he’s The Erotic Prince of Darkness and all. That’s like Usain Bolt choosing not to race in the Olympus, in favor of riding a scooter up and down a cul-de-sac.
That incident was obviously the start of a torrid romance between the two, like all good relationships start. But there’s a serial killer on the loose, which is a bit of a downer. And unbeknownst to Ayanna, the killer is … Justin Bieber! You just can’t trust a Prince Of Darkness like you used to.
To make matters worse, the author is clearly going through her “big words equals good writing” phase. So Ayanna’s head doesn’t lean against the glass, her forehead is “orientated” against it. And she doesn’t go to school, she goes to an “educational area.” And when Bieber’s yanking it in the stalls, he gets “close to extricate,” as he is “consigned with pleasure,” because he’s “completely libidinous.” You may now commence with expunging bile from your gastrointestinal tract.