Despite what DC’s movie division would have us believe, Green Lantern is actually a pretty badass character. Sure, his power is technically “imagination” when you really think about it, but the fact that you need incredible willpower and total fearlessness to be able to make anything you want easily boosts its ranking on the awesome scale.
But, as some other superhero said once or twice, with great power comes great responsibility. And we say it’s time the Green Lanterns take some responsibility for the incredibly dumb stuff they’ve constructed over the years with their rings. Stuff like …
10. A Dolphin for Aquaman to Ride
Are we at a kid’s fair or trying to save the world here, people? Lantern, we get that it sucks that you always have to transport the non-flyers in the Justice League, but that doesn’t mean you can make a game of it. Aquaman’s already got enough trouble getting people to take him seriously, for Pete’s sake. You could have at least given him a shark or a walrus, or just anything with teeth.
This is serious world-saving business happening here, GL. Does Aquaman look like he is taking this lightly? No, he has chosen to ride this ridiculous dolphin you made him with as much dignity as humanly possible, while simultaneously wondering how easy it would be to stab you with his hook right now. The answer is very easy.
9. Saving a Construction Worker With Giant Construction Workers
Obviously it’s a good thing that Green Lantern was there to stop this giant crane from crashing down on a bunch of people, but how long was it falling that Kyle had enough time to imagine and create four entirely different stereotypical construction workers to save the day? This kind of detail work does not just happen; he chose to make this rescue as elaborate as possible. Instead of just creating some giant floating hands to instantly catch the crane, he took the time to make massive people that all look like fully fleshed-out characters from a Dickens novel. Just picture ropes snapping, people screaming in the streets, and Green Lantern flying overhead thinking to himself, “No, they can’t all wear overalls. I’ll need at least one in a tank top, that would really make this rescue special.”
8. Umbrellas for Everyone
Obviously Aquaman didn’t need that umbrella, but Superman and Cyborg also fight giants and go into space on a regular basis. They can probably handle a little rain GL, thanks. Is that seriously all you have to offer at this point? Umbrellas? Was the next panel Hal coming back with cocoa and green ponchos for everyone telling them they should bundle up before they catch their death of cold?
7. A Giant Teddy Bear to Catch a Purse Snatcher
Again, the sheer lack of necessity of this construct is mind boggling. This is an unbalanced homeless man stealing someone’s purse, and Green Lantern decides that the best thing for a guy in a fragile mental state is to have a giant green teddy bear pick him up and then sit on him. His crime-fighting technique can best be described as playful and undignified. What happens when the cops show up and this guy’s ranting about being stopped by a giant teddy bear? He’s going straight to the wacky ward, that’s what. Do not pass go, do not collect 200 loonies. Great work, Lantern.
6. A Green Lantern Restaurant AND Waitress
Green Lantern says it best in his own narration bubble. It takes quite the loser to decide that, instead of going to a real restaurant all alone, he’ll just make his own restaurant to eat in by himself, complete with waitress and personalized placemats. Something like this is clearly the first step towards insanity, and a story where GL becomes a recluse and builds himself an entire fictional world that he can be the ruler of.
Oh man, suddenly the Emerald City and the Wizard of Oz makes a terrifying amount of sense.
5. A Massive Pirate Ship In Space
Dammit Steel, get down from there and stop encouraging him!
Think about this: all Green Lantern constructs are made out of pure willpower. The bigger and stronger the construct, the more willpower it eats up, so what the heck is Green Lantern doing creating this massive, intricately detailed ship to transport the team just before they go into battle? Seriously, even Flash is concerned about this thing disappearing from under their feet if Green Lantern gets tired, thus leaving them all to suffocate in space. You want to make a ship to transport people? Fine. But how are the seagulls, waves, and scales in any way necessary?
The Superman figurehead is pretty amazing though. That’s some nice work.
4. Entirely Unnecessary Outfits
It’s hard to find a good-looking costume to fight crime in. A lot of superheroes, including some Lanterns, get bulky pocketed things, or spandex that’s too tight, or the ladies get unnecessary skin-peaking holes, but absolutely nothing looks dumber than wearing a costume over another costume. You are already a superhero, Lantern. You are already wearing ridiculous clothing, please stop constructing yourself dorky outfits to fly around in and focus on, say, fighting evil.
3. Fighting a Nazi with a Giant Cupid
So, Green Lantern was out on a date when a Nazi showed up to cause trouble, as they’re wont to do. All a man to do is create a giant Cupid to fight it with the power of love! Apparently this is also the issue where Green Lantern thought he had the Heart ring from Captain Planet instead of one of the most powerful weapons in the galaxy. We always get those confused too, Kyle; it happens to the best of us.
Then again, this construct may not be as lame as it seems. Does that giant cupid have a scar running across half its face like it lost a knife fight at some point in its life? Dear God, do not mess with that cherub – it’s seen things guys!
2. Incredibly Uncomfortable Transportation
It’s clear by now that the biggest contribution Green Lantern makes to the Justice League is transportation. It makes sense that green platforms and bubble domes can get a little boring, but at least they’re practical and dignified ways of travelling. The lesson these panels show us is to never get GL angry before a mission, or you will be carried across time and space with all the respect reserved for a child, or Robin, whichever you respect least.
1. Insulting Batman
This is in some ways a brilliant use of a Green Lantern ring, but ticking off Batman is a pretty dumb move, no matter how you look at it. Kyle was responsible for 90% of the constructs on this list, and even he knows that this is the dumbest thing a Green Lantern could ever have made.