Facebook is set to be a part of everyday life for the foreseeable future, though to most it’s merely a platform to connect with friends, tell people what they ate, and take vaguely worded potshots at that cow Kathy from accounting who we all know is totally stealing like, all the damn pens.
However some people apparently looked at Facebook and thought, “yeah, I have the best idea ever”. People like:
10. The Man Who Tried To Ruin A Child’s Life Forever
You’re reading something written by a guy with the last name Smallwood so, yeah, names can suck. Most parents have the foresight to name their child something that isn’t going to result in the kid being punched in the back of the head on their first day of school.
That being said it didn’t stop this guy trying to name his sister’s child Megatron if his page received a million likes. He reached his goal in less than two weeks, but thankfully his sister chickened out and named the kid Dylan. That’s kind of a wuss name, but it’s not as hard to live up to as Megatron. Because, unless that kid tears another child in half on his 8th birthday, he’s just not being Megatron enough.
9. The Criminal Who Friended The Person He’d Just Robbed
There are plenty of stories out there of criminals that have been caught for leaving their Facebook account logged in, in the houses they’ve just burgled. But it takes a new level of stupidity to get away with your crime, casually stroll away with your dollar-sign sack, and decide to send a friend request to the person you just robbed of their worldly possessions.
It’s a pitiable crime, mainly because that guy now has to sit in jail and explain to his cell mate how he was caught because he was too stupid to realize that people don’t usually want to get to know the guy who just punched their wallet in the groin.
8. Advertising Condoms, With Fear
Facebook is a boon for advertisers, with millions of people literally posting everything an advertiser could ever want into a public forum: what they believe, political views, favorite food, musical tastes, bra size; you name it, someone, somewhere will have posted it.
It was only a matter of time then, until people started getting creative with the Facebook platform, like this company. They figured the best way to advertise condoms was to send men friend requests from their future, presently-unborn, children.
Although you have to respect the ingenuity, the idea of super-smart, Facebook-using babies, intent on tracking down their biological fathers to pester them about their sex lives is kind of terrifying.
7. Organizing An Entire Community After A Riot
2011 saw unprecedented violence and destruction across the British isles, with millions of dollars in property damage, and entire communities and streets torn apart. However, almost immediately after the violence, dozens of groups were set up arranging, among other things, clean ups of streets worst hit by rioters.
It was also used to help raise money for small, local businesses, including one where rioters destroyed the livelihood of an 89-year-old barber, even going as far to steal his kettle and tea bags, one of the worst crimes you can commit on an Englishman. Facebook managed to give him his shop back.
6. To Call An Ambulance
Facebook is almost as ubiquitous as cell phone ownership, and it shows. Take Peter Casaru, who suffered a near-fatal spinal spasm. Being unable to physically call for help, he dragged himself to his laptop and typed out the following message: “Can someone call 999, Ambulance for me, I need one now. I have fractued my back. dtuck ob floor. no phone abd glasses, toucvh typing. please help me”.
If you’re looking at that and judging his spelling, try shattering your spine in two, and see how much you care about self-editing. Luckily, Mr. Casaru’s friends believed his message and called an ambulance, which saved him from his potentially deadly injury. Which means, among other things, that the only time it’s acceptable to have spelling mistakes in your Facebook updates is when your back is broken.
5. Tracking Down The People Who Mugged You
Apparently criminals really like themselves some Facebook. However, not all are stupid enough to brag about their crimes; some just get caught by having really recognizable, and certainly stupid and ugly, faces.
Daniel Kaye, after being mugged, was perusing Facebook and saw, staring back at him, the smiling face of his attacker, tagged in one of his sisters’ pictures. Far from questioning the company his sister kept, he quickly used the site to track down his muggers’ friends, and went to the police. Netting them 12 years in prison. So it’s official; Facebook can turn you into Batman. A sad, sad shadow of what Batman actually is, but it’s still close enough to make you feel cool.
4. Diagnosing An Illness
People upload pictures of anything to Facebook: their food, their stool and even their own children at times.
The latter of which was done by Deborah Copaken Kogan, who uploaded a picture of her child’s rash. Although her choice in status updates was questionable, it was arguably the best possible thing she could have done. As, by a remarkable coincidence, one of her friends recognized the rash as an incredibly rare disease.
Doctors, who’d misdiagnosed the rash as Scarlet Fever, quickly began treatment for the new, much cooler-sounding Kawasaki Disease, and saved the child s life.
3. To Extend The Reach Of Law
If you’re a criminal, there’s the oft-used tactic called “you-can’t-arrest-what-you-can’t-find. A sound tactic but, as I’ve already covered, criminals love Facebook. A lot. So, in response, the police and courts have began using the site to track criminals and those accused, and serve notices online.
Apparently some people, who’ve taken to going completely off the grid to avoid prosecution, still really, really, really need to harvest those damn FarmVille crops.
2. To Choose Who You Want To Sit Next To On A Plane
Flying is stressful enough, what with safety checks and hiding vodka in against your thigh. But even worse is spending six hours sat next to a person who spills into two seats, smells like a dumpster, or just doesn’t share your views on radical veganism.
Well one flight company had an idea: Facebook Baby! Now you can be a judgmental prick, and choose who you want to sit next to, based on their views or, more likely, how many picture albums they have labelled “pimps and ho’s party!”
1. To Find Blood, Your Blood
Of all the things on this list, this wins, purely because it could one day save a life. Maybe yours, but probably not, but wouldn’t it be cool if it did?
Socialblood is the brain child of Karthik Naralasetty, and connects people based on blood-type, thus facilitating the ability to quickly find a donor in a life-or-death situation. Whether or not it’s going to be used by the vampire hoards to find the tastiest humans is yet to be seen, although it’s safe to say it absolutely will be.
Written By Karl Smallwood