With enough cash, sites like Celebrity Talent International will allow you to book a celebrity for the event of your choice. Want Batman to turn up to your birthday? Flash the cash and make it happen. But some prices seem a little, well, high, considering the questionable talent involved. For example, you could book:
10. Courtney Love ($30,000 – $50,000)
Unless you’re an incredibly lazy assassin, there is no excuse to pay any amount of money to be sure that Courtney Love will be in one place at a specific time. Actually, if you booked her to turn up drunk to a party with just about anybody else on this list, just to see what would happen, that would be pretty funny.
9. Jenny McCarthy ($50,000 – $75,000)
Damn, all that dough to listen to someone with less of a grasp on science and reasonable debate than those guys that used to throw rocks at philosophers in ancient Greece. That’s a bigger waste of money than Diet Coke. McCarthy’s chosen subject is “social issues,” because no one understands the problems plaguing the average American more than a millionaire former Playboy model, who thinks vaccinations cause autism and whose crowning achievement thus far has been filming a movie where she farts into a telephone.
8. Carlos Mencia ($75,000 – $100,000)
Now, we’re not going to make fun of Carlos Mencia for being a terrible comedian, because lots of people have already done that and stealing other people jokes isn’t funny. Right Carlos?
Also, if we joke about him, then he’ll be associated with actual humor, and that would break both worlds and souls.
7. Dane Cook ($100,000 – $150,000)
Dane Cook is famous for being in movies so universally panned, that simply writing his name on a movie poster causes a Rotten Tomatoes forum user to have an embolism. You can tell Cook is overpriced by simply looking at the shoddy job they did on his description. To quote, “in 2006 (he) was described as alarmingly popular.'” Alarmingly, indeed. Also, the extra quote mark there was not a typo; that’s taken verbatim from his profile. Dane Cook is so not worth the money, the people trying to sell him to an audience couldn’t even be bothered to spell-check his dossier.
Better Talent For The Same Price: Bill Maher, who’s both funnier and has way better stories.
6. Adam Lambert ($150,000 – $250,000)
Now, it’s not fair to mock people who have appeared on American Idol, as they’re genuinely talented. However, Adam Lambert can go screw himself purely on the grounds that his booking fee is the same as AC/DC’s. If you want to ask for the same amount of money as five men who have spent more time rocking than you’ve been alive, you need to be awesome. Like, Alec Baldwin awesome. Who funnily enough, also asks for 150 grand.
5. Donald Trump ($250,000 – $350,000)
Donald Trump is a multi-billionaire and, at $250,000 per public appearance, we now know where a good chunk of that change comes from. But here’s the thing; what would Trump even talk about? He’s listed under the motivational category, which is odd for a man who somehow manages to lose money in casinos that he owns. Maybe he can talk about being inducted into a pro wrestling Hall of Fame, in case the audience needed one more reason to knock his lights out with a steel chair and sledgehammer.
4. Susan Boyle ($350,000 – $500,000)
Susan Boyle is famous for being a woman who isn’t considered classically beautiful, but can still sing pretty well. So, a person who doesn’t look like their face was carved from marble by angels has a talent. Sounds like most of us here at TopTenz; where’s our six-figure check?
Though she is arguably quite famous in her own right, you have to realize that she’s commanding a higher price than Snoop Lion/Dogg/Goat/Manbearpig, and he’s been famous for three decades. You have to earn that kind of price tag, Miss Boyle.
Better Talent For The Same Price: ZZ Top, whose faces also aren’t carved from marble, though their beards might be.
3. The Backstreet Boys ($1,000,000 – $1,500,000)
The ’90s were a good time to live, if you were a fan of young guys with the same haircut walking on a beach singing about feelings. And the Backstreet Boys did it better than anyone, with a string of hits longer than your arm. Still, a $750 grand minimum? Come on. Especially when you consider the supershow of rock you could book for the same price. Actual rock, by the way, not whatever they do that this website considers to be rock.
2. Black Eyed Peas ($1,000,000 to $1,500,000)
The Black Eyed Peas (again no rock, come on, website) wrote those dozen or so songs you hated from the radio, and are fronted by the annoying-as-Hell-to-type will.i.am. Mr. I Am is respected in the musical world that Daft Punk, DJs who sample the Hell out of music for a living, and were totally cool with Kanye West doing the same thing to their stuff, refused him permission to sample their music.
Also, note that their chosen genre is “rock,” because who rocks harder than the Black Eyed Peas? Certainly not the artist below.
1. Nickelback ($1,000,000 – $1,500,000)
A million dollars, wow. We know Nickelback get a lot of flak, but they’re legitimate artists who make songs that people genuinely listen to. But a million bucks is steep for any artist, let alone freaking Nickelback. The only other artists who command that price are Jay-Z, Shakira and Elton John.