Top 10 Celebrity Feuds That Can Only Be Settled In Brutal Deathmatches

Google+ Pinterest LinkedIn Tumblr +

Even famous people have to admit that famous people can be quite obnoxious, especially when they fight. When anonymous schmucks like us get into a scuffle with other anonymous schmucks, very few people tend to care, an even fewer talk about it. But celebrities? If they don’t like each other, we’re all forced to bear witness. We really only have two options: turn off the TV or computer and ignore the vitriol, or fantasize about the many gruesome ways these blowhards can be killed.

Clearly, the first option is the mature, sensible route to take. But are you going to sit here and read a list of ten things to do when not perusing TMZ for late-breaking news? Probably not. So let’s focus on murder instead! Many of you probably remember the old MTV show, Celebrity Deathmatch. If you don’t, well, it’s exactly what it sounds like. Claymation caricatures of celebrities fight to the brutal death, which could be cathartic if somebody you hated was eviscerated in the most hilarious matter possible.

There was no reason for the concept to go away. It’s not like famous people got less annoying over time. If they instituted real-life celebrity deathmatches tomorrow, there would be tons of current events, and petty bickering, which could easily be solved with excess gore and brutality. Stories like:

10. Barack Obama v Mitt Romney

obama-romney

Well, this one’s a natural, isn’t it? Romney wants to be the most powerful man in the free world, and Obama wants to keep that status. The bile and hatred that can spew from two men, over one of the worst, most stressful jobs on the planet (and one that pays less than most NBA benchwarmers make), is simply unparalleled.

Deciding this election via a simple electoral process is pointless, however. Romney has been making an utter ass of himself every hour on the hour seemingly, and he’s still neck-and-neck with Obama in polls. This suggests that their respective parties could have nominated a head of lettuce to run against a sink full of dirty dishes, and most voters would still vote along party lines they always do. Unless the dirty dishes smell like old fish or something. Lines have to be drawn, after all.

The Brutal Death:

The only way to truly settle this election is for one of these two clowns to be brutally eviscerated. But don’t expect a knock-down-drag-out fight to the finish here. No, based on what we’ve seen so far, Obama would just sit back and let Romney attempt to fight him. Naturally, everything Romney would do or say would backfire on him, and he would effectively kill himself.

He’ll go to punch the President, and break his hands on the turnbuckle. His attempts at throwing a machete will result in the damn thing coming back like a boomerang, and amputating him at the knees. Finally, he’ll whip out a rocket launcher and shoot it at Obama, only to completely miss, with the kickback sending him hurtling into a nearby flagpole, where he is promptly impaled. All while the President just sits back, sips a mug of delicious White House beer, and ponders how he can change the Constitution so he can keep doing this President thing for a few more decades at least.

9. Lesean McCoy v Osi Umenyiora

osi-lesean

What happens when two star football players, raised on nothing but meat and anger, have a problem with one another? Apparently, they turn into bratty eight-year-old boys. McCoy, of the Philadelphia Eagles, started this scuffle back in 2011, tweeting that Umenyiora was “overrated and soft,” because Umenyiora dared to have a problem with his current contract. If you can even imagine such an offense. World Wars have been fought over less! The nerve of some people.

Umenyiora reacted by promptly ignoring the blatant troll-job…wait, no, that’s what WE would have done. HE reacted by calling McCoy a “she” and “Lady Gaga”. McCoy fired back recently, by accusing Umenyiora of being not as good as he thinks he is, and a “ballerina.” So one guy is a stupendously successful, and ultra-popular, multi-millionaire pop artist, and the other does what almost every other footballer does to stay nimble and athletic. Doesn’t anybody think their lame and juvenile insults through anymore?

Now true, the two recently squashed their beef. Something about putting the game first and focusing on what’s really important; this is clearly meathead code for “our coaches told us to stop, before we resort to calling each other meanies and doo-doo poopyheads, and totally embarrass ourselves” You know they don’t mean it; if they got half a chance, they would still eagerly destroy one another.

The Brutal Death:

After a back-and-forth brawl/name-calling session, the two men turn their attention to the referee, who had been botching calls, and getting in the way, the entire fight. They learn that this is one of the NFL’s replacement referees, who couldn’t get his old job back, due to embarrassing himself on national TV, so the deathmatch organizers decided to throw him a bone. The players, for their part, decide to break his bones. All of them. They then make up and end their feud for real, except no they don’t. As Umenyiora turns his back, McCoy sees Lady Gaga in the crowd (who’s conveniently a huge fan of human cockfighting). He grabs one of her gigantic spiked shoes, sneaks up on Umenyiora, and bludgeons him to death with it. McCoy is the technical winner here, but fans of classical irony are the real victors.

8. Lindsay Lohan v Amanda Bynes

lohan-bynes

On rare occasions, a fight will feature two people whom nobody likes. This is one of those cases. We all know about Lindsay Lohan’s battles with drug abuse and basic human decency, but Amanda Bynes is not far behind, showing an affinity for alcohol, hit-and-runs, and utter stupidity. To make matters worse, she somehow has less claim to being a pampered celebrity than even Lohan. At least Lindsay gave us Mean Girls. Amanda did a “wacky” (AKA annoyingly and pointlessly random) Nickelodeon sketch show when she was 11, and that was basically it.

So why are they beefing? Bynes got into some traffic accidents and was not punished, and this angered Lohan, whose previous run-ins with the law have cost her upward of two weeks of her freedom. Obviously, the law’s designed to favor young, pretty, white, rich, and famous girls like Bynes, and poor young, pretty, white, rich, and famous girls like Lohan stand no chance against such a machine.

The Brutal Death:

Given what these two are like on the road, this fight would only work as a Twisted Metal-style bumper car battle, with the cars loaded to the gills with high-tech weaponry. And neither would die, actually: reckless drivers seemingly never get hurt in their own crashes. Rather, they end up killing everybody in the audience, along with the referee. The match is declared a no-contest, and the now-BFFs walk off together for a wild night of drinking and driving. The lesson? Young, pretty, white, rich, and famous girls always win. It’s a good moral for the kids.

7. Kelsey Grammer v Piers Morgan

grammer-morgan

And now we turn to the most brutal barbarians of them all: old white men. Basically, Grammar was set to appear on Piers Morgan’s talk show, only to bail at the last second when he noticed his ex-wife’s picture in the show’s intro. Clearly, the picture was a personal affront, and had nothing to do with Grammer’s ex being a pseudo-celebrity in her own right, and a former bikini model with giant fake ta-ta’s.

Morgan responded by banning Grammer for life from his clubhouse, er, talk show, and Grammer has gone on record saying he totally doesn’t care. This means, of course, that he cares a lot. He probably cries himself to sleep thinking about it. And, if confronted with the opportunity to legally kill Morgan, he would accept readily, albeit with tears in his eyes.

The Brutal Death:

Morgan attempts to distract Grammer with a giant picture of his ex-wife, but Grammer insists it won’t work this time. Grammer then unveils a wax figurine of Madonna, who Morgan also banned from his show a couple years back. Morgan scoffs at this, wondering what a wax statue could possibly do to him. That is, until he realizes it’s actually the REAL Madonna, who proceeds to pounce on Morgan and slice him to ribbons with an extra-sharp cone bra. Luckily for Grammer, interference is never a problem in a deathmatch, so he is declared the winner. The eight people who regularly turned in to Morgan’s talk show are inconsolable, until one of them turns on the TV and finds another random talk show that blathers on about the same crap everyone else does. This makes them happy once again.

6. Kato Kaelin v OJ Simpson

simpson-kaelin

No, we didn’t lose our minds and stick a 1994 story in a 2012 article. Mr. Kato’s back in the news, admitting that OJ is a murderer after all. Why has he come forward now, 18 years after the deed was done? Because the statute of limitations on perjury is finally up. Brave warrior, that Kato.

And yes, we’re aware OJ’s in prison for a good long time. Really though, how hard would it be to have the guards let him out for a night, especially if there’s a chance he wouldn’t come back alive, thereby saving the state gobs of tax dollars?

The Brutal Death:

On paper, OJ would kill Kato. He’s bigger, he’s bound to be enraged with his former friend for snitching like this, and he has backup thugs even bigger than himself. Also, he clearly has no issues with killing anyone. Allegedly. 

This would hold true for much of the match, as OJ would batter the scrawny Kaelin from pillar to post. However, as he’s ready to finish him off, he’s shot to pieces by an unseen assailant, who reveals himself to be Ron Goldman’s father. Amazingly, Simpson didn’t consider that going out in public, in a forum where murder is legal no less, is a fairly bad idea for a guy like him. Kato is technically the winner, if you consider being a barely-conscious pile of broken bones and bloody flesh to be “winning.”

5. Billie Joe Armstrong v Usher

billie-joe-usher

We’re aware that Billie Joe is not explicitly blaming Usher for his Green Day’s set being cut short to make room for more Usher. He’s taking responsibility for his meltdown, if you call conveniently checking into rehab after doing something dumb, like every other celebrity seems to do, “responsible.”

But you know he’s pissed at Usher; he just can’t admit it. He probably feels that Usher was complicit in this, or at least heard about it and didn’t give a crap. So, we would lure him to the ring for a chance at revenge and ultraviolence, which is our version of “responsibility.” Also, the rehab facility would almost certainly confiscate his guyliner, giving him extra inventive to disappear into the night.

The Brutal Death:

Billie Joe would eventually get the upper hand and go in for the kill, armed with one of those heart grenade things that all the kids find symbolic enough to pin to their backpacks as if it actually means something.

Just then, an announcement will blare over the PA: the time limit is about to expire, and they have a mere 30 seconds to go. Naturally, Billie flips out and starts screaming at the PA speaker, the referee, the fans, and anyone else unlucky enough to be nearby. This gives Usher just enough time to grab one of Billie’s guitars, wallop him over the head with it, and then stick the heart grenade down his throat. One internal explosion later, and Usher is declared the winner. Don’t feel bad for Billie: the nurses warned him not to leave rehab early, and he went against medical advice anyway.

4. Mama Honey Boo Boo v Kate Gosselin

mama-boo-boo-kate-gosselin

So, this one is not technically a “feud” per se; neither one has said anything about the other just yet. But you know they would jump at the chance to fight. It probably eats at Kate to see a fat slob like Mama Boo Boo getting so much attention, while she works hard to stay gorgeous and in shape, and the best she can do is a blogging job with a damn coupon site. Meanwhile, Mama just likes to be on TV, so giving her the chance to break a pretty face on camera would definitely get her attention. Unless a plate of chicken wings already monopolized her attention.

The Brutal Death:

You might think Mama would just crush Gosselin into a pancake, much like John Popper did to Fiona Apple. But Gosselin’s surprisingly tough and athletic, regularly putting her children in the hands of other people so she can go run marathons and work out. So she would actually dominate the match, at least until Child Boo Boo shows up to defend her Mama’s honor.

How does she do this? Simple; by going berserk and skeletonizing Gosselin in seconds, like a fat little piranha. You know she could totally do this for real, by the way. She then bares her teeth again, and sends Gosselin’s eight kids scampering away in terror. Remember, celebrities die in these things, not their children. They just suffer intense mental trauma upon witnessing their dear mother murdered right in front of them. You know; something they can easily recover from.

3. One Direction v The Wanted

wanted-one-direction

Throughout the ages, whenever two interchangeable boy bands dominate the charts at once, the only logical thing to do is force them to fight to the death like matadors and bulls. The strongest team survives, and becomes the sole maker of generic pop music that most people would swear was performed by someone else.

How do we know they’re interchangeable, by the way? Simple: when we were compiling the notes for this piece, we screwed up these band names a bazillion times over, at least. We had New Direction, New Republic, One Republic, and New Kids On the Block, before Mr. Google finally unveiled their real names to us. Also, we learned One Republic is an actual group, but can’t possibly be a boy band, as they have a cello. Cellos are sophisticated, you know.

The Brutal Death:

It wouldn’t be brutal, so much as utterly confusing. You’ve got ten guys who all look basically the same: young, clean-cut, good-looking, and not threatening in the least. And unlike with N’Sync and the Backstreet Boys, there’s no Total Request Live, or endless music video airplay, to help us differentiate. Literally nobody would know who’s who, even the combatants themselves.

So this battle would likely be little more than random pop singers running around willy-nilly, just beating the tar out of one another. Teammate, enemy, popcorn guy; it really wouldn’t matter. They all die one-by-one, until one man remains. Who is it? No idea. The ref wouldn’t know, the announcers wouldn’t know, and not even the man himself would knows. For all we’d know, he wasn’t even in a band to begin with! But he’d be declared the winner anyway, simply for lack of better options.

2. ICP v FBI

icp-fbi

So the FBI, apparently out of extreme terrorists to track down, has identified Juggalos as dangerous gang members. Despite this being the ultimate in street cred, the Insane Clown Posse is less-than-pleased with this designation, because being a Juggalo is all about spreading mother*^&$% peace and #^*&* love and $%!^. Yo.

They’ve since filed a lawsuit against the FBI for this bit of slander, but you can’t help but take the ICP as plaintiffs about as seriously as ICP on a concert stage. Or ICP in a wrestling ring. Or ICP in general, really.

The Brutal Death:

Despite being semi-trained pro wrestlers, the ICP would be no match for a couple of super-serious FBI agents with high-powered weaponry. That is, until one of the Clowns manages to rip off an agent’s suit to reveal…an ICP shirt. Then the other agent tears off his suit, to reveal ANOTHER ICP shirt. The FBI has been infiltrated by closet Juggalos, and all four of them would celebrate by whooping it up (whatever that is), and chugging cheaply-made dollar store soda. And yes, this is what they do for real.

So who wins in this case? The FBI, mainly because two more agents, who are very much NOT Juggalos, would show up and use their high-powered weaponry to put all four of these poor unfortunate souls out of their misery. They would then confiscate the sodas, and deem its manufacturers to be developers of chemical weaponry. If you’ve ever tried that crap, you’d understand.

1. Jennifer Aniston v Man

aniston-man

Time for the main event of the evening. Clearly, Miss Aniston has a major issue with men, and would love to take her frustrations out on one of them. But who? Brad Pitt? John Mayer? Gerard Butler? Vince Vaughn? And then it dawned on us: she just hates Man in general. So, for the fight, tons of trees and bushes could be set up, with Man brought in as an anonymous, invisible sniper-hunter, who preys on poor defenseless multimillionaire bombshell actresses.

The Brutal Death:

After several minutes of running and dodging the invisible gunfire of Man, she and her young man-hater-in-training, Kelly Clarkson, take the chance to rest. But soon, Jen’s instincts kick in, and she realizes that Man is nearby once again. She implores Kelly to run faster and faster, to keep running, and to not look back. Kelly does so, thinking Jen is right behind her. Finally, she stops and realizes she is all alone. She retraces her steps, and soon finds a stoic Courtney Cox, who informs Kelly that Jen cannot be with her any more. Kelly slowly, and sadly, accepts this fate, and the two somberly walk off into the darkness. Man wins.

Shop Related Products

Jason Iannone is a writer and editor for hire, who realizes that he will likely never ever ever EVER get invited to a Hollywood party. EVER. Like him on Facebook, follow him on Twitter, and be his bestest Tumblr buddy in the world. You guys are better than mean ol’ Hollywood anyway.


Share.

14 Comments

  1. Well, it’s time I booted this page from my bookmarks list, as I have with several other such sites. The idiocy in the first item alone is just too much to take.

    “Romney has been making an utter as$ of himself every hour on the hour seemingly, and he’s still neck-and-neck with Obama in polls.”

    What are you talking about?

    First of all, they’re not celebrities. And treating them as such is destroying the country, because you fail to take seriously how power-hungry these people are, and the trouble they can cause. Secondly, the surprise isn’t that Romney is keeping up with Obama, the surprise is that Obama has cut a swath of destruction across the country, made 15% unemployment out of 6%, made the entire country a laughingstock in front of the entire world, destroyed the value of our currency, and his party actually renominated him.

    In a sane country, this useless person would have been howled out of office long ago. Or, more accurately, would have been laughed off the stage before being elected.

    I know Romney sucks, and he’s a lousy candidate, but he had absolutely nothing whatever to do with the disaster unnecessarily inflicted on the country in the last several years. What could possibly recommend Obama’s re-election? How mindless are the times we live in when the man single-handedly responsible for taking the nation from very bad to almost unrecoverably worse actually stands a shot at re-election? Complete insanity. Total and complete insanity.

    If you think I take this too seriously, then stay home on election day.

  2. I can`t abide Piers Morgan. How he is where he is now, is beyond me. What, with his own show, and as a judge on Britain`s Got Talent. People in America may like him, but they probably don`t know, that when editor of the Daily Mirror, he published fake photos of British Soldiers weeing on Iraqi`s. Which led to him being sacked. And now he`s a big star. Words fail me..

      • Peter Boucher on

        So my question is this. Dave doesn’t like Piers Morgan and Top Tenz Master finds him repulsive as well. Assuming that both of you guys are American (which TopTenz Master is). Then how did Piers Morgan and Simon Cowell get along seeing that they are both British.

  3. Here’s an alternative to the Romney v. Obama match:

    Obama comes out and is reminded of his 4 years of utter and complete failure, at which point he hangs his head in shame, giving Romney the chance to dump a truckload of the Book of Mormon on his head. Romney climbs to the top of the pile, sticks an American flag in the top, and promptly fixes the economy. Obama becomes a footnote in the annals of American history.

    I like that version better.

    • Martin Fierro on

      who ever made this list has never heard of fast and the furious, or knows that an ambassador was brutally killed in Libya. not to mention Solyndra, pigford, or Jeremiah Right.

    • So far Romney has just been making a fool of himself over and over and over looks like if he becomes the next president honestly he will be the next George Bush just Worst does are facts you cant wave a magical wand and fix the economy it takes time especially when everyone is against you i think you would be a fool to belive Romney’s lies if you saw the second debate you know what am talking about if you want a lying george bush the second as president well thats your choice the guy tottaly looks like he wants to go to war with iran as soon as he becomes president i personaly like the story how it is written its honest its fact but everyone has their own opinions. ( Sorry for the grammar am using my nephews psp we both love this website keep it up 🙂 ).

  4. It’s nice we don’t have a President who makes an a$$ of himself. For example, he never said the four most important words in America are “Made in America.” He also never said that he was going to campaign in all 57 states. He never told small business owners they didn’t build their businesses. He never complained his comments that were in context were taken out of context. When his buddy, Dr. Henry Gates was arrested by the Cambridge police. he never said he didn’t know enough about what happened, but the police acted “stupidly.” He never would meet with the Dalai Lama and make him leave the White House out of the back door by the trash. He would never write best sellers that contained incidents that never happened while presenting them as true. He would never support a stimulus program that would provide money for “shovel ready jobs” and later be caught admitting there was no such thing as “shovel ready jobs.”

    And these example of what our President did to make himself look like an a$$ over the last four years could continue, but there isn’t enough room to continue the examples.

    Stop listening to Chris Matthew and Lawrence O’Donnell.

  5. i actually have a sense of humor so this list doesn’t repulse me or offend me as it is clearly tongue-in-cheek….some other deathmatches would be: God V Devil; Roger Goodell V Saints fans; Alex Rodriguez V Yanks fans; Lance Armstrong V USADA; and MY main event with no time limit….Top Tenz American readers V Top Tenz World All Stars…winner gets to have every item on every list dedicated to their likes, all the time…talk about raising the stakes! and for anyone looking to crush me..this is indeed tongue-in-cheek

Leave A Reply