Even famous people have to admit that famous people can be quite obnoxious, especially when they fight. When anonymous schmucks like us get into a scuffle with other anonymous schmucks, very few people tend to care, an even fewer talk about it. But celebrities? If they don’t like each other, we’re all forced to bear witness. We really only have two options: turn off the TV or computer and ignore the vitriol, or fantasize about the many gruesome ways these blowhards can be killed.
Clearly, the first option is the mature, sensible route to take. But are you going to sit here and read a list of ten things to do when not perusing TMZ for late-breaking news? Probably not. So let’s focus on murder instead! Many of you probably remember the old MTV show, Celebrity Deathmatch. If you don’t, well, it’s exactly what it sounds like. Claymation caricatures of celebrities fight to the brutal death, which could be cathartic if somebody you hated was eviscerated in the most hilarious matter possible.
There was no reason for the concept to go away. It’s not like famous people got less annoying over time. If they instituted real-life celebrity deathmatches tomorrow, there would be tons of current events, and petty bickering, which could easily be solved with excess gore and brutality. Stories like:
10. Barack Obama v Mitt Romney
Well, this one’s a natural, isn’t it? Romney wants to be the most powerful man in the free world, and Obama wants to keep that status. The bile and hatred that can spew from two men, over one of the worst, most stressful jobs on the planet (and one that pays less than most NBA benchwarmers make), is simply unparalleled.
Deciding this election via a simple electoral process is pointless, however. Romney has been making an utter ass of himself every hour on the hour seemingly, and he’s still neck-and-neck with Obama in polls. This suggests that their respective parties could have nominated a head of lettuce to run against a sink full of dirty dishes, and most voters would still vote along party lines they always do. Unless the dirty dishes smell like old fish or something. Lines have to be drawn, after all.
The Brutal Death:
The only way to truly settle this election is for one of these two clowns to be brutally eviscerated. But don’t expect a knock-down-drag-out fight to the finish here. No, based on what we’ve seen so far, Obama would just sit back and let Romney attempt to fight him. Naturally, everything Romney would do or say would backfire on him, and he would effectively kill himself.
He’ll go to punch the President, and break his hands on the turnbuckle. His attempts at throwing a machete will result in the damn thing coming back like a boomerang, and amputating him at the knees. Finally, he’ll whip out a rocket launcher and shoot it at Obama, only to completely miss, with the kickback sending him hurtling into a nearby flagpole, where he is promptly impaled. All while the President just sits back, sips a mug of delicious White House beer, and ponders how he can change the Constitution so he can keep doing this President thing for a few more decades at least.
9. Lesean McCoy v Osi Umenyiora
What happens when two star football players, raised on nothing but meat and anger, have a problem with one another? Apparently, they turn into bratty eight-year-old boys. McCoy, of the Philadelphia Eagles, started this scuffle back in 2011, tweeting that Umenyiora was “overrated and soft,” because Umenyiora dared to have a problem with his current contract. If you can even imagine such an offense. World Wars have been fought over less! The nerve of some people.
Umenyiora reacted by promptly ignoring the blatant troll-job…wait, no, that’s what WE would have done. HE reacted by calling McCoy a “she” and “Lady Gaga”. McCoy fired back recently, by accusing Umenyiora of being not as good as he thinks he is, and a “ballerina.” So one guy is a stupendously successful, and ultra-popular, multi-millionaire pop artist, and the other does what almost every other footballer does to stay nimble and athletic. Doesn’t anybody think their lame and juvenile insults through anymore?
Now true, the two recently squashed their beef. Something about putting the game first and focusing on what’s really important; this is clearly meathead code for “our coaches told us to stop, before we resort to calling each other meanies and doo-doo poopyheads, and totally embarrass ourselves” You know they don’t mean it; if they got half a chance, they would still eagerly destroy one another.
The Brutal Death:
After a back-and-forth brawl/name-calling session, the two men turn their attention to the referee, who had been botching calls, and getting in the way, the entire fight. They learn that this is one of the NFL’s replacement referees, who couldn’t get his old job back, due to embarrassing himself on national TV, so the deathmatch organizers decided to throw him a bone. The players, for their part, decide to break his bones. All of them. They then make up and end their feud for real, except no they don’t. As Umenyiora turns his back, McCoy sees Lady Gaga in the crowd (who’s conveniently a huge fan of human cockfighting). He grabs one of her gigantic spiked shoes, sneaks up on Umenyiora, and bludgeons him to death with it. McCoy is the technical winner here, but fans of classical irony are the real victors.
8. Lindsay Lohan v Amanda Bynes
On rare occasions, a fight will feature two people whom nobody likes. This is one of those cases. We all know about Lindsay Lohan’s battles with drug abuse and basic human decency, but Amanda Bynes is not far behind, showing an affinity for alcohol, hit-and-runs, and utter stupidity. To make matters worse, she somehow has less claim to being a pampered celebrity than even Lohan. At least Lindsay gave us Mean Girls. Amanda did a “wacky” (AKA annoyingly and pointlessly random) Nickelodeon sketch show when she was 11, and that was basically it.
So why are they beefing? Bynes got into some traffic accidents and was not punished, and this angered Lohan, whose previous run-ins with the law have cost her upward of two weeks of her freedom. Obviously, the law’s designed to favor young, pretty, white, rich, and famous girls like Bynes, and poor young, pretty, white, rich, and famous girls like Lohan stand no chance against such a machine.
The Brutal Death:
Given what these two are like on the road, this fight would only work as a Twisted Metal-style bumper car battle, with the cars loaded to the gills with high-tech weaponry. And neither would die, actually: reckless drivers seemingly never get hurt in their own crashes. Rather, they end up killing everybody in the audience, along with the referee. The match is declared a no-contest, and the now-BFFs walk off together for a wild night of drinking and driving. The lesson? Young, pretty, white, rich, and famous girls always win. It’s a good moral for the kids.
7. Kelsey Grammer v Piers Morgan
And now we turn to the most brutal barbarians of them all: old white men. Basically, Grammar was set to appear on Piers Morgan’s talk show, only to bail at the last second when he noticed his ex-wife’s picture in the show’s intro. Clearly, the picture was a personal affront, and had nothing to do with Grammer’s ex being a pseudo-celebrity in her own right, and a former bikini model with giant fake ta-ta’s.
Morgan responded by banning Grammer for life from his clubhouse, er, talk show, and Grammer has gone on record saying he totally doesn’t care. This means, of course, that he cares a lot. He probably cries himself to sleep thinking about it. And, if confronted with the opportunity to legally kill Morgan, he would accept readily, albeit with tears in his eyes.
The Brutal Death:
Morgan attempts to distract Grammer with a giant picture of his ex-wife, but Grammer insists it won’t work this time. Grammer then unveils a wax figurine of Madonna, who Morgan also banned from his show a couple years back. Morgan scoffs at this, wondering what a wax statue could possibly do to him. That is, until he realizes it’s actually the REAL Madonna, who proceeds to pounce on Morgan and slice him to ribbons with an extra-sharp cone bra. Luckily for Grammer, interference is never a problem in a deathmatch, so he is declared the winner. The eight people who regularly turned in to Morgan’s talk show are inconsolable, until one of them turns on the TV and finds another random talk show that blathers on about the same crap everyone else does. This makes them happy once again.
6. Kato Kaelin v OJ Simpson
No, we didn’t lose our minds and stick a 1994 story in a 2012 article. Mr. Kato’s back in the news, admitting that OJ is a murderer after all. Why has he come forward now, 18 years after the deed was done? Because the statute of limitations on perjury is finally up. Brave warrior, that Kato.
And yes, we’re aware OJ’s in prison for a good long time. Really though, how hard would it be to have the guards let him out for a night, especially if there’s a chance he wouldn’t come back alive, thereby saving the state gobs of tax dollars?
The Brutal Death:
On paper, OJ would kill Kato. He’s bigger, he’s bound to be enraged with his former friend for snitching like this, and he has backup thugs even bigger than himself. Also, he clearly has no issues with killing anyone. Allegedly.
This would hold true for much of the match, as OJ would batter the scrawny Kaelin from pillar to post. However, as he’s ready to finish him off, he’s shot to pieces by an unseen assailant, who reveals himself to be Ron Goldman’s father. Amazingly, Simpson didn’t consider that going out in public, in a forum where murder is legal no less, is a fairly bad idea for a guy like him. Kato is technically the winner, if you consider being a barely-conscious pile of broken bones and bloody flesh to be “winning.”
5. Billie Joe Armstrong v Usher
We’re aware that Billie Joe is not explicitly blaming Usher for his Green Day’s set being cut short to make room for more Usher. He’s taking responsibility for his meltdown, if you call conveniently checking into rehab after doing something dumb, like every other celebrity seems to do, “responsible.”
But you know he’s pissed at Usher; he just can’t admit it. He probably feels that Usher was complicit in this, or at least heard about it and didn’t give a crap. So, we would lure him to the ring for a chance at revenge and ultraviolence, which is our version of “responsibility.” Also, the rehab facility would almost certainly confiscate his guyliner, giving him extra inventive to disappear into the night.
The Brutal Death:
Billie Joe would eventually get the upper hand and go in for the kill, armed with one of those heart grenade things that all the kids find symbolic enough to pin to their backpacks as if it actually means something.
Just then, an announcement will blare over the PA: the time limit is about to expire, and they have a mere 30 seconds to go. Naturally, Billie flips out and starts screaming at the PA speaker, the referee, the fans, and anyone else unlucky enough to be nearby. This gives Usher just enough time to grab one of Billie’s guitars, wallop him over the head with it, and then stick the heart grenade down his throat. One internal explosion later, and Usher is declared the winner. Don’t feel bad for Billie: the nurses warned him not to leave rehab early, and he went against medical advice anyway.
4. Mama Honey Boo Boo v Kate Gosselin
So, this one is not technically a “feud” per se; neither one has said anything about the other just yet. But you know they would jump at the chance to fight. It probably eats at Kate to see a fat slob like Mama Boo Boo getting so much attention, while she works hard to stay gorgeous and in shape, and the best she can do is a blogging job with a damn coupon site. Meanwhile, Mama just likes to be on TV, so giving her the chance to break a pretty face on camera would definitely get her attention. Unless a plate of chicken wings already monopolized her attention.
The Brutal Death:
You might think Mama would just crush Gosselin into a pancake, much like John Popper did to Fiona Apple. But Gosselin’s surprisingly tough and athletic, regularly putting her children in the hands of other people so she can go run marathons and work out. So she would actually dominate the match, at least until Child Boo Boo shows up to defend her Mama’s honor.
How does she do this? Simple; by going berserk and skeletonizing Gosselin in seconds, like a fat little piranha. You know she could totally do this for real, by the way. She then bares her teeth again, and sends Gosselin’s eight kids scampering away in terror. Remember, celebrities die in these things, not their children. They just suffer intense mental trauma upon witnessing their dear mother murdered right in front of them. You know; something they can easily recover from.
3. One Direction v The Wanted
Throughout the ages, whenever two interchangeable boy bands dominate the charts at once, the only logical thing to do is force them to fight to the death like matadors and bulls. The strongest team survives, and becomes the sole maker of generic pop music that most people would swear was performed by someone else.
How do we know they’re interchangeable, by the way? Simple: when we were compiling the notes for this piece, we screwed up these band names a bazillion times over, at least. We had New Direction, New Republic, One Republic, and New Kids On the Block, before Mr. Google finally unveiled their real names to us. Also, we learned One Republic is an actual group, but can’t possibly be a boy band, as they have a cello. Cellos are sophisticated, you know.
The Brutal Death:
It wouldn’t be brutal, so much as utterly confusing. You’ve got ten guys who all look basically the same: young, clean-cut, good-looking, and not threatening in the least. And unlike with N’Sync and the Backstreet Boys, there’s no Total Request Live, or endless music video airplay, to help us differentiate. Literally nobody would know who’s who, even the combatants themselves.
So this battle would likely be little more than random pop singers running around willy-nilly, just beating the tar out of one another. Teammate, enemy, popcorn guy; it really wouldn’t matter. They all die one-by-one, until one man remains. Who is it? No idea. The ref wouldn’t know, the announcers wouldn’t know, and not even the man himself would knows. For all we’d know, he wasn’t even in a band to begin with! But he’d be declared the winner anyway, simply for lack of better options.
2. ICP v FBI
So the FBI, apparently out of extreme terrorists to track down, has identified Juggalos as dangerous gang members. Despite this being the ultimate in street cred, the Insane Clown Posse is less-than-pleased with this designation, because being a Juggalo is all about spreading mother*^&$% peace and #^*&* love and $%!^. Yo.
They’ve since filed a lawsuit against the FBI for this bit of slander, but you can’t help but take the ICP as plaintiffs about as seriously as ICP on a concert stage. Or ICP in a wrestling ring. Or ICP in general, really.
The Brutal Death:
Despite being semi-trained pro wrestlers, the ICP would be no match for a couple of super-serious FBI agents with high-powered weaponry. That is, until one of the Clowns manages to rip off an agent’s suit to reveal…an ICP shirt. Then the other agent tears off his suit, to reveal ANOTHER ICP shirt. The FBI has been infiltrated by closet Juggalos, and all four of them would celebrate by whooping it up (whatever that is), and chugging cheaply-made dollar store soda. And yes, this is what they do for real.
So who wins in this case? The FBI, mainly because two more agents, who are very much NOT Juggalos, would show up and use their high-powered weaponry to put all four of these poor unfortunate souls out of their misery. They would then confiscate the sodas, and deem its manufacturers to be developers of chemical weaponry. If you’ve ever tried that crap, you’d understand.
1. Jennifer Aniston v Man
Time for the main event of the evening. Clearly, Miss Aniston has a major issue with men, and would love to take her frustrations out on one of them. But who? Brad Pitt? John Mayer? Gerard Butler? Vince Vaughn? And then it dawned on us: she just hates Man in general. So, for the fight, tons of trees and bushes could be set up, with Man brought in as an anonymous, invisible sniper-hunter, who preys on poor defenseless multimillionaire bombshell actresses.
The Brutal Death:
After several minutes of running and dodging the invisible gunfire of Man, she and her young man-hater-in-training, Kelly Clarkson, take the chance to rest. But soon, Jen’s instincts kick in, and she realizes that Man is nearby once again. She implores Kelly to run faster and faster, to keep running, and to not look back. Kelly does so, thinking Jen is right behind her. Finally, she stops and realizes she is all alone. She retraces her steps, and soon finds a stoic Courtney Cox, who informs Kelly that Jen cannot be with her any more. Kelly slowly, and sadly, accepts this fate, and the two somberly walk off into the darkness. Man wins.
Jason Iannone is a writer and editor for hire, who realizes that he will likely never ever ever EVER get invited to a Hollywood party. EVER. Like him on Facebook, follow him on Twitter, and be his bestest Tumblr buddy in the world. You guys are better than mean ol’ Hollywood anyway.