Here at TopTenz, we have already talked about both Florida Man and Florida Woman (with a little Texas Man thrown in for good measure). The news has some of the strangest stories coming out of the Sunshine State, where headlines about Florida Man are the gift that keeps on giving. That’s why we have decided to dive right back into the bizarre and fascinating deeds (and, more accurately, misdeeds) of the world’s worst superhero.
10. Florida Man Threatens to Unleash His Army of Turtles Upon the World
Just outside of Orlando, a man named Thomas Lane was walking around a local shopping center screaming obscenities at people. He called himself “The Saint,” and was telling prophecies to anyone who would listen. Unfortunately for him, the days where people believe that you’re touched by God are over, and we’re not likely to see another Joan of Arc situation any time soon. The police were called, and he was arrested for disturbing the peace. As he was taken away, the crowd of onlookers stared at Lane as he screamed the final words, “My army of turtles will destroy everyone!”
Now, the real question here, is… are we talking about an army of tiny box turtles? Because we just might be able to outrun them. Or is is he really a misunderstood mad scientist who has secretly created the real Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in his basement laboratory? We may never know… until it’s too late.
9. Florida Man Caught Licking a Doorbell Repeatedly
On January 24, 2019, a woman in Lake Worth awoke at 6 a.m. to an alert on her cellphone. Someone had triggered the motion sensor at her front door. Her doorbell had a built-in security camera, so it showed her a live feed of who was standing at her door. She was able to witness and record a man holding a stack of newspapers and a phonebook as if he was holding a pizza. Then, he proceeded to lick her doorbell repeatedly.
Technically, it’s not like he was stealing anything, or trying to break into the home. He was just… licking. Strangely, this is not the first time this has been done. In California, security footage captured a man licking a doorbell for 3 hours straight while he made eye contact with the camera lens. The creepiest thing of all is that we only know about these cases because they were caught on camera. So, these kind of incidents may have been happening long before people were installing this technology near their front doors. The only question we have is: Why? Just… why?
8. Florida Man Leaves Jail, Only To Immediately Steal In Front of the Cops
In April 2019, a 34-year-old man named Michael Casey Lewis was released from the St. Lucie County Jail in Fort Pierce. He had just finished serving his sentence, and normally, convicts have to wait for their loved ones to pick them up at the prison. Lewis began to wander the parking lot while he wanted for a ride from his girlfriend. Security detained him, because they noticed that he was testing the door handles of the parked cars in the lot.
Just a few minutes after leaving prison, he had already managed to steal an iPhone, $547 in cash, a debit card, and four packs of cigarettes. At least the cops didn’t have to walk very far to bring him to booking, though. He was charged with burglary and grand theft. By the time his girlfriend had finally arrived to pick him up, she learned that she had to pay an additional $11,250 for his bail. If we can learn anything from this story, it’s that you should really lock your car doors, especially if you work in a prison.
7. Florida Man Gets Into a Fight With a Bird and Loses
In the state of Florida, the weather is warm nearly all year long, so there are plenty of people who enjoy buying exotic pets to keep on their land. A bird called the Cassowary is native to the tropical rain forests in Southeast Asia, as well as Australia. It is often called “the world’s most dangerous bird,” and even zoological experts keep Cassowaries in armored enclosures, for their own safety. Cassowaries grow to around six and a half feet tall and weigh an average of 132 pounds, but they can grow up to 200 pounds. They don’t fly, but a Cassowary’s body is held up with massive, muscular legs that resemble dinosaur claws. In 2012, a Cassowary even kicked an Australian tourist off of a cliff (presumably, it had just watched 300).
So, of course, Florida Man just had to have it as his sidekick. Marvin Hajos kept a Cassowary as a pet in his backyard. On April 14, 2019, he was brought to the hospital after sustaining serious injuries from the bird, and died soon after. This is only the second time in recorded history where a Cassowary has actually killed someone, but that’s not for lack of trying.
6. Florida Man Dressed as Spider-Man to Commit Crimes
We’ve already mentioned that Florida Man is basically the world’s worst superhero, but he truly crossed the line when he decided to sully the name of the beloved Marvel character Spider-Man. In March 2019, Edward Wilburn (also known as “Fast Eddie” to his friends, because of course that’s what a petty thief would be called) was caught stealing from a liquor store while wearing a Spider-Man mask and a red t-shirt. He had already previously stolen from a local thrift store in the same outfit.
Wilburn was caught, because he originally approached the store without his mask on, and tried to break in through the front door. He realized he’d forgotten his mask and quickly went back to the car to put it on, but the security camera caught everything. After all, it was pointing at the front doors, and they’re made of glass. So, really, the whole charade was pointless. But also a little hilarious.
5. Florida Man Cycles Backwards On A Major Highway In the Buff.
Now, we know it gets hot in Florida, and people are more free with showing a little bit of skin, but there truly is a point where it’s crossing the line (we’re looking at you… Steve). In August 2018, commuters in Miami spotted a man riding his bicycle on I-95. He was naked, except for bright pink socks, underwear, and sneakers. His clothes appeared to be wrapped around his head, like a turban.
In case you were wondering, using a bicycle on a major highway is completely illegal. But funnily enough, there was so much traffic congesting the highway on the day he was captured on camera that the man was actually going faster than the cars, and there probably would have been no way for cops to catch up to him, even if he was spotted. He was never arrested, and apparently, this kind of thing happens all the time in Florida. Maybe because some people think it’s okay to wear Speedos to the beach, why not take to the streets?
4. Florida Man Was Convinced to End A Standoff Because the Cops Bought Him Pizza
On February 28, 2019, a former convict named Evan Charles McLemore barricaded himself into his parents’ house in Pensacola. His step-mother called the police, due to the fact that he was being abusive toward his grandmother. When they arrived, McLemore was holding a gun to his head, telling the police that he would rather die than go to prison again.
The SWAT team showed up, and the two sides had a standoff that lasted for over four hours while negotiators tried to convince him to put the gun down and come out quietly. Eventually, one of the police officers ordered a pizza, and brought it back for lunch. While they were eating, they got over the megaphone and asked McLemore if he wanted a slice. This offer for free food was enough for him to come out peacefully, and he quietly went into their custody. On their Facebook page, the Pensacola Police Department wrote, “Never underestimate the power of pizza with flavored crust.”
3. Florida Man Throws a Toilet Through a Window
Now, the thing about Florida Man is that he sometimes decides to travel out of state, and wreaks havoc on the rest of the country. This was the case with a man named Dave Toliver. He had a history of selling cocaine in Florida and was most likely on the run, trying to avoid getting caught elsewhere. Presumably, he was high on something, because he picked up a toilet and threw it through a large glass window at the Board of Education building in East St. Louis, Illinois before running away in the opposite direction.
Later, when the police found Toliver, he was sitting on a street corner. This time, he was sitting on yet another toilet that he had placed on the sidewalk. There was no rational explanation as to how or why he was carrying around two heavy toilets with him. We just hope he wasn’t in the middle of using it when the police found him.
2. Florida Man Mocks The Police and Immediately Crashes Into a Tree
In April 2019, police in Volusia County set up a routine traffic stop, where they were speaking with each driver that passed by. As the cars ahead of him stopped, a 23-year-old motorcyclist named Russell Gortzig saw the checkpoint. Instead of getting in line, he went around the cars, revving his engine loudly, taunting the police. He thought this was so funny that he actually did it twice, looping around the police station and revving his engine over and over again. A deputy had enough and decided to follow Gortzig.
The young man had stopped in a convenience store to buy a snack, and he saw the police coming for him. He sped off, going over 100 MPH in a 40-mile-per-hour residential street, when he crashed into a tree and fell into someone’s front yard. Gortzig had to be airlifted to the hospital, but he only had minor injuries. Presumably, however, his ego will be bruised forever.
1. Florida Man and Woman Celebrate Their “Redneck Mud Park” Themed Wedding
Last, and certainly not least, Florida Man and Florida Woman finally joined together in holy matrimony, and they truly do deserve each other. They got married in the only way they know how: the Redneck way.
A couple named Jeremy and Ahrielle Biddle decided that they wanted to have a non-traditional ceremony that was fun for their family and friends. They decided to have a mud park wedding during an event in Tampa called Trucks Gone Wild. Instead of a wedding dress, Ahrielle wore a white bikini to the ceremony, and they said their vows while standing in the back of a pickup truck. They proceeded to drive trucks and off-road vehicles through the mud immediately after they each said, “I do.” After their story went viral online, the couple decided to set up a GoFundMe page in hopes that strangers would pay for their honeymoon, where they plan to ride jeeps through the Rocky Mountains.