Kids love Halloween: between staying up late, dressing up with their friends and getting a ton of free candy, they always have a great time. But if you’re a parent who had a miserable childhood, or if you just hate your children, then watching them have so much fun can be unpleasant. So why not take those punks down a notch with these costumes that are designed to humiliate anyone who wears them? They’ll guarantee that your kids will have a miserable Halloween, and you’ll be that much closer to being the world’s worst parent!
10. UPS Deliveryman
Halloween costumes should be about fun and fantasy, about a child imagining themselves as someone or something they find appealing. This can take the form of a real world profession, like a fireman or a police officer, and that’s fine. However, we can guarantee that no child in history has ever dreamed of growing up to be a UPS deliveryman.
If a parent wants to suck all the fun out of Halloween by using it to teach their child about the cruel realities of the working world, then that’s their decision. But can’t they at least aim a little higher? Little Billy could grow up to be a UPS manager someday, but only if they believe in him.
OK, so maybe some cynical parents don’t want to put too much faith in their kids, but that doesn’t mean they should aim as low as possible. Any parent who dreams of the day their child becomes a deliveryman is a saint compared to the mom or dad that dresses their kid up as a hobo.
This costume is called “The Happy Hobo,” because if homeless people are known for one thing it’s their cheery attitude towards life. At best, this is going to mislead kids into thinking that hobos are friendly, whimsical role models. The worst case scenario? Some parent is using Halloween to teach their kid how to scavenge for food handouts, a skill they’ll need when they’re abandoned down by the railroad tracks.
8. Wonder Bread
Is your child not old enough to understand what Halloween is? No problem! There are tons of costumes available for infants, and they’re all designed to make them look cute so proud parents can nauseate their friends by showing them off repeatedly. Unfortunately, there’s a fine line between “cute” and “pathetic,” and this Wonder Bread costume is the first of several that misses that line by a country mile.
There’s nothing adorable about bread, especially when it’s the kind that tastes like cardboard. If you’re going to embarrass your infant by dressing them up as a bakery product you could at least make them look like something tasty.
7. Confederate Soldier
Modern Halloween is nice and all, but do you ever long for a simpler time? And no, we don’t mean back before people started giving out lame crap like toothpaste and dental floss; we mean way, way back to the halcyon days of the American Civil War. If you’re someone who misses the fun of slavery, why not let the world know by dressing your child up as a Confederate soldier?
See, look at how thrilled that little guy is to be representing the South. He’s certainly not at all concerned about the abuse he’s going to get! Although, to be fair, this costume is only going to be demeaning to children in certain parts of the United States; luckily, there are also Union soldier costumes available to parents who want to humiliate their kids in the deep south.
6. The Ravager
There isn’t a lot of variety when it comes to costumes for girls; you can only have so many Disney princesses and fairies before they all start to look the same. So if you want your little angel to stand out when she goes trick or treating you’ll have to find something memorable, and nothing says memorable better than a Gothic prostitute.
The costume is called The Ravager, for God’s sake. Usually when “child” and “ravager” are put together it’s when the media’s giving a nickname to a pedophile. And look at the girl modeling the costume; she’s clearly not happy, because that photo was taken on the day her innocence died. Sadly, this is far from the only sexualized children’s costume out there, but we better move on before we end up on an FBI watchlist.
Another food costume, this sushi outfit will give your toddler all the magnetic appeal of raw fish and seaweed. We guess this is supposed to be the hip, exotic equivalent of the Wonder Bread costume. After all, only boring, immature babies like bread; all the cool ones are into Asian cuisine.
Seriously though, what’s with this theme of food? You don’t see kids running around dressed as hot dogs or cartons of milk, so who thought it would be appropriate for toddlers? Look at the expression of the child in the photo; even he realizes how stupid he looks. So why are his parents oblivious? Maybe it’s some sort of natural instinct to picture your children as beautiful no matter what kind of stupid clothes you’ve stuck them in. An instinct that the Halloween costume industry is abusing without the slightest hint of shame.
4. Roast Turkey
That’s it! Enough with babies as food! We don’t get it; every site that sells these costumes describes them as adorable, but all we see is impending embarrassment for the child and anyone unfortunate enough to witness them. Do a lot of people misunderstand the phrase “He’s so cute I could eat him up,” or what?
Worst of all, the sample photo has him on a platter, like he’s all ready to be consumed. Forget demeaning; this is a case of accidental cannibalism just waiting to happen.
3. Whoopie Cushion
Alright, well we’ve finally moved on from food, but this isn’t exactly an improvement. Babies make enough disgusting noises as it is; do they really need to be dressed up as a device with the same purpose?
Tackiness aside, you would think that dressing your infant up as something that’s designed to be sat on could only end in disaster. We’re almost starting to suspect that parents who buy these costumes are feeling some serious subconscious hatred for their kids. Ah, but that’s probably just crazy talk…
2. Baby Hatchet
That may be a doll in the photo, but this is a hat designed to be put on real kids. Kids that will be traumatised when they’re shown their baby pictures later in life. Seriously, imagine that conversation: “Now, for your first Halloween, Jimmy, we thought you’d be so adorable if we made it look like you’d been brutally murdered. Yes, we just loved seeing that axe sticking out of your skull.” Nothing’s more demeaning to a child than a costume that says “We enjoy openly fantasising about your death.”
Well, actually, there is one costume that’s even more humiliating…
It’s a toilet costume. We don’t know what else to say. Everyone knows what a toilet is for, and that function isn’t funny to anyone over the age of three. Even the hobo costume has more dignity than this, because at least the homeless guy is the one during the urinating, not the one being urinated on. And that’s the message being sent here: “Son, we think you’d make a great receptacle for human waste, and we want the world to know it.”
At least the bowl looks like it can hold a lot of candy, which is good because any child forced to wear this will be scarfing it down as they cry themselves to sleep.