By this point in life we’re all well aware that Japan is the source of crazy, crazy things, so to create a list of their weirdest video games seems like it would be old hat. But Japan never ceases to amaze us; even in this day and age, when just hearing the word “Japan” conjures up images of schoolgirls and tentacle monsters, we were able to find 10 video games that took us by surprise.
10. Cho Aniki
The long running Cho Aniki series is famous solely for its homoerotic overtones. The games are 2D shooters like Gradius or Galaga, except everything looks like a dick, a half-naked muscular man, or a half-naked muscular man and his dick. Just watch the video if you don’t believe us—and be sure to pay special attention to the boss, a giant man who’s nude save for a metal plate over his crotch that he shoots various phallic objects, including another naked man, out of.
To be fair to Japan, the Cho Aniki games are supposed to be weird and campy. However, if your idea of “weird and campy” translates to “wall to wall penises” then we think it’s still reasonable to point out how insane you are. But considering the series has been active since 1992, this approach must appeal to some gamers—most likely the “confused teenage boys who get strange feelings when watching gladiator movies” demographic.
9. Super Galdelic Hour
Super Galdelic Hour is a game about four animals that transform into busty, scantily clad women, and then compete in a series of simple events designed to make them jiggle about as much as possible. It’s sort of like a game show, except it comes bundled with an incredible sense of shame that you won’t feel when watching The Price is Right.
Events include playing whack-a-mole while wearing a revealing swimsuit, jumping rope while wearing a revealing swimsuit, and smacking your ass against another girl’s ass while wearing a revealing swimsuit. There’s even a shopping (while wearing a revealing swimsuit) game, just for that extra dose of sexism.
A look at the video makes it obvious that the developers spent more time working on bouncing breasts than they did on making the events fun, which means Super Galdelic Hour is no doubt terrible. Although we have to admit, if it had come out while we were in junior high we’d probably think it was the perfect game.
8. I’m Sorry
This arcade game is a lot like Pac-Man, if it were conceived entirely on acid. OK, more acid.
I’m Sorry stars former Japanese Prime Minister Kakuei Tanaka, and the player’s goal is to collect gold bars while dodging enemies. It’s a satirical take on Tanaka’s greed (he was involved in numerous bribery scandals). That much we understand. But the rest of the game isn’t satire; it’s madness.
The enemies Tanaka has to avoid aren’t policemen or rival politicians. Instead, he’s on the run from Michael Jackson, Madonna and Carl Lewis, along with a couple of Japanese celebrities. If they catch Tanaka they’ll strip him down to a diaper, change into a leather bikini, and then whip him. Political satire at its finest, ladies and gentlemen.
Video games are everywhere these days. There are home consoles, handheld consoles, games on your PC, games on your cell phone… and now, thanks to Sega, there are video games in Japanese urinals.
The “Toylets” project is just in the testing stage right now, with four games available in select washrooms across Japan. An LCD screen above the urinal gives you instructions, while pressure pads measure the strength of your stream. Objectives range from cleaning graffiti to making a gust of wind blow a woman’s skirt up. Ads are shown on the screen in-between games, and if you’re proud of your performance you can save your results to a USB stick and try to break your record the next time nature calls.
There’s no video for this one because, well, it’s a urinal based game. If for some reason you’re having trouble picturing that concept, try thinking about Pong the next time you go to the bathroom.
6. Princess Maker
Do you want a daughter, but don’t want to put in all the time, effort and money required to raise one? Or maybe you’re willing to make that sacrifice, but nobody on the planet will willingly reproduce with you! Well, whichever it is, the Princess Maker games have you covered. Now you too can raise a little girl into a young woman, and from the comfort of your living room!
Thankfully, the game’s title isn’t literal; you don’t actually “make” the girl. (If you’re disappointed by the lack of sex, there are approximately 500,000 other Japanese games that have you covered.) Instead, you control eight years of her life with an iron fist, dictating everything from what she studies and where she works to what clothes she wears. Once she turns 18, your decisions effect how she’ll live the rest of her life; she might choose to become anything from a priest to a high-end prostitute to a professional dominatrix.
Or, if you’re lucky, she’ll decide to marry you. Man, you know a game is weird when father/daughter incest isn’t the creepiest possible ending.
First person shooter games like Doom or Halo aren’t very popular in Japan, as something about the genre just doesn’t appeal to Japanese gamers. Unless, of course, you get rid of the monsters and evil aliens and replace them with love addled schoolgirls; then you’ve got a winner on your hands.
Players control an average teenage boy who has somehow become the most popular guy at school for the day. This of course means that every girl within a 10 mile radius rushes blindly towards you, gushing with hormones and wanting to do God knows what to your manhood. Your only choice is to fight them off with your Pheromone Shot, which elicits plenty of erotic moaning and jiggling before the girls fall to their knees, overwhelmed by your masculinity. There used to be plenty of panty shots too, but Microsoft insisted that the developers remove them. You know, because otherwise the game would just be creepy.
4. Love Death
Sticking with the schoolgirl theme, the long running Love Death franchise (five games since 2005) takes the concept of fending off nubile teenagers and elevates it to truly disturbing levels.
Half erotic game, half beating the crap out of schoolgirls with sporting good simulator, Love Death allows you to go to town on a bunch of anime girls with baseball bats, fishing poles and much more, including a, uh, “mystery liquid” that certainly isn’t suggestive in the slightest. Ostensibly there’s a story and objectives, but every video we can find of this game suggests that players use it for nothing more than gunning down hallways full of schoolgirls with soccer balls. But don’t worry; according to these games, Japanese girls don’t even mind getting assaulted.
3. Doki Doki Majo Shinpan!
This is the last schoolgirl based game, we promise. Look, it’s not our fault Japan loves them so much; we’re just showing you the results of our horrifying research.
Based on that video (video disabled from embedding – you’re welcome) you probably think this is some sort of molestation game, and, well, you’re basically right. But don’t worry; your character isn’t some 40 year old pedophile, but rather a student who’s been ordered by an angel to purge his school of witches. How do you tell if a girl is a witch? You touch her until her heartbeat picks up, at which point, if she is a witch, you’ll see a “witch mark” emerge somewhere on her half-naked body.
OK, so as creepy as making a game about feeling up junior high schoolgirls is, we have to give them points for creativity, because that plot gives gamers the perfect excuse if they’re caught: “No mom, I’m not playing some porn game! I’m fighting witchcraft!” And that excuse must be a popular one, because there have been three witch touching games made since 2007. That’s right, “witch touching” is an entire genre now.
2. Facening de Hyojo Yutaka ni Insho Up: Otona no DS Sao Training
Now that you’ve braved the gauntlet of schoolgirl molestation games, your face is no doubt contorted in an expression of disbelief. And if it isn’t? Well then maybe there’s something wrong with it. Perhaps you should play Facening for Rich Expressions to Boost Impressions: Adult DS Face Training, a “game” designed to give you a prettier face through the use of various exercises.
The goal is to mimic facial expressions shown to you by the game—an included camera looks at your face and grades you on how well you’re doing, and the theory is if you master these “facening” exercises your skin will become more elastic and expressive. Our theory is that anyone who wastes money on a game where you make stupid expressions at your Nintendo DS in the vain hope of getting a nicer face through pseudoscience is an idiot. Then again, here in America we can choose from about a dozen astrology games, so who are we to talk?
1. Boong-Ga, Boong-Ga
Boong-Ga Boong-Ga is an arcade game about spanking. Literally: the goal is to whack a faux fanny built into the machine. According to Wikipedia, the game is designed to simulate “kancho, a children’s prank popular in Japan where the victim is poked with two fingers in the anal region whilst distracted.” According to us, “what the hell?”
The harder you spank or poke (the latter act being done with the aid of a giant plastic finger), the better you score. Eight potential victims are available, ranging from the relatively tame (ex-girlfriend) to the creepy (mother-in-law) to the really creepy (child molester). If your spanking is proficient enough to meet Boong-Ga Boong-Ga’s high standards, you’ll be rewarded with a small plastic trophy in the shape of feces. Whether or not they’re supposed to be the feces of your spanking victim isn’t really made clear, but it’s no doubt a cherished reward either way.