Christmas is a time for joy, but the creators of these decorations are doing their best to induce confusion and rage. If anybody gives you one of these as a present, Santa and Jesus agree that it’s alright for you to temporarily forego the Christmas spirit, and give them the gift of a backhanded slap.
10. Yule Doo
There’s nothing wrong with the occasional joke decoration, but only if your sense of humor has progressed beyond that of a five year old’s. If it hasn’t, you’re the target market for Yule Doo.
Get it? It’s poop! Dog poop, to be precise, although anyone who thinks it’s a good idea to buy a feces ornament probably isn’t picky about the type. Yule Doo’s slogan is “When a Tinkle’s Not Enough,” which is to a legitimate joke what being beaten with baseball bats is to playing for the Yankees.
We’re told it makes “a great gift for your dog-loving friends,” because of course the only reason people own dogs is for the fun of picking up after them. A great gift for your coprophiliac friends, maybe. Which is convenient, because that’s the only kind of friend someone who thinks it’s funny to decorate a tree with dog crap will ever have.
Babies are a common element in decorations, which makes sense considering Christmas is about celebrating Jesus’ birth (and blowing the heads off of zombies in the new video game you got). But why not go even further than that, and decorate your tree with a fetus?
Oh, because it’s disturbing! Well, that answers that.
This ornament is made in “a classic holiday shape,” which is a fancy way of saying that it’s circular. But it doesn’t matter how classic it is, because there’s still a fetus floating in the middle of it. There’s a reason we swoon over baby pictures, but don’t go around trading fetus pics—they’re gross. Who does this decoration even appeal to, obsessive 2001: A Space Odyssey fans?
8. Tootin’ Tushies
Nothing says Christmas like farting reindeer, according to the makers of this decoration and absolutely nobody else.
Look, either your Christmas celebrations are only among adults, in which case nobody will find this funny, or it will involve children, who will find this funny for hours. Is that what you want, huh? You want to listen to a flatulent reindeer toot Deck The Halls all throughout Christmas? You think you can handle that? Forget it; there’d be a murder-suicide by the thousandth fart.
7. Sexy Santa Mug
“Sexy” is a word used very loosely here, as you’d be hard pressed to find anyone who finds a hairy, obese old man erotic, especially when the back half of his body has morphed into a coffee mug.
The two elderly men/coffee mug fetishists in our readership will be disappointed to learn that there’s something…wrong with Santa’s schlong. We can’t quite explain it, in part because we don’t want to spend too much time analyzing Santa’s genitals, but it doesn’t look like a penis should. Also, poor Santa appears to have been castrated, though considering his testicles would otherwise be rubbing up against a mug of hot coffee, that may be just as well.
So, not only was someone reduced to designing Santa’s boner for a paycheck, they couldn’t even do it right. His parents must be so proud.
6. String Dolls
Not every off-putting decoration is that way on purpose. The String Doll Gang, despite sounding like a criminal organisation of elderly knitters, are meant to be innocent ornaments. The only problem is that they look creepy as all Hell.
Yikes. The off-centre eyes are giving her a serious case of “crazy old lady.” This is something the evil mother from Coraline would make.
Then there’s the Little Angel, which has more of a Blair Witch Project vibe:
Not only does he look terrifying, they wrote the worst description imaginable. He watches over you when you’re alone, kids—and then he’ll open his mouth, the one that resides in another dimension, and suck out your soul.
5. Caroler Candles
Here’s another example of bad design corrupting innocent intent:
Their open mouths are supposed to imply that they’re caroling, but their horror struck eyes betray the awful truth: they’re screaming an endless, silent scream. Why? Their freaking heads are on fire, that’s why.
So turn off the lights, snuggle up with some hot chocolate, and watch two children’s heads melt as they stare back at you in indescribable agony, begging for mercy that will not come.
4. S&M Santa
“Hey, that 50 Shades of Grey book sure is popular. We should try to cash in on that.”
“Bob, we make Christmas ornaments. How can we possibly combine that with S&M?”
“Wha… what does Santa being sexually tortured have to do with Christmas?”
“He only works one night a year. He and Mrs. Claus have a lot of free time on their hands; they have to entertain themselves somehow.”
“I don’t think I can sell this with a clean conscience. It’s like you’ve taken my fond Christmas memories and sodomized them.”
“ Sodomized, huh? Great idea! We could sell a whole line of these!”
“Get help, Bob.”
3. Santa’s Rude Present
Hey, remember that dog poop ornament? Bet you thought that was the only poop decoration you could buy, didn’t you? Oh poor, naïve reader. How we envy your childlike innocence.
This Christmas log is from Santa himself. It comes with a card of a smiling Saint Nick saying “you’ve been naughty,” although that hardly justifies him using your tree as a bathroom. Also available in festive red and green, or with cookie *ugh* chunks. “All kinds of fun things you can do with this unique gift,” we’re told. And they’re right—you could pervert your office’s Secret Santa, traumatize a child who still believes in the jolly old man, or bring it to Christmas dinner as a not-so-subtle commentary on what you think of your family. There are countless ways to ruin the holidays with this!
2. Gingerbread “Pornaments”
“Wouldn’t it be great if gingerbread men came with huge tits?” asked a boy just starting puberty who somehow became the head of a Christmas decoration company. That’s the only scenario we can think of that led to the creation of anatomically correct gingerbread ornaments.
Okay, that’s probably not what happened. But the brainstorming session that produced these is depressing to imagine. “Kids love gingerbread decorations, but to get adults to like them too we need to sex them up,” said someone. “We want them to think, ‘Yeah, if I was a gingerbread person, I would hit that.’” And then other people agreed with this person, and Christmas became a little less magical.
1. Penis Decorations
And now, a selection of Christmas penises. Hang a few on your tree, because there’s no faster way to tell people that you’re a rapist:
Or get yourself a temporary Christmas dick tattoo, because there’s no faster way to tell people that you’re an insane rapist.
If your tree is already covered in Santas being subjected to bondage, consider these stocking stuffers:
Or you could literally stuff a stocking by buying a Christmas dick sock:
On one hand, you’ll never have to worry about losing half of a pair in the laundry. On the other hand, this is the stupidest thing you can do to your genitals that doesn’t involve a hammer.
But in the end, a penis is meant for giving, not receiving. So give someone a wind-up penis toy for Christmas:
Aw, look at its adorable little Santa hat! Give it to someone while you’re wearing your stocking, you’d make a great pair. Just don’t give it to a child, or the police will be on their way before the willy stops walking.