Almost every single day of the calendar has something you’re supposed to be aware of, while you go about your business of pretending to work while reading TopTenz lists.
That’s 365 separate things you’re supposed to remember. Well, screw that noise! You might as well only celebrate the ten we deem important, because the best way to live your life is to unquestionably obey what you see written down on the Internet.
10. Free Comic Book Day (1st Saturday of May)
People still read comics? Apparently so. Although it seemed like the entire comic industry was going to go under sometime in the ’90s, thanks to a whole bunch of comic book-related movies, business is back on track, kind of. The entire industry has become linked to the success of the movies based on them, which makes Free Comic Day kind of a stupid idea. It’s business 101 that, when your business isn’t that great and relies on a massively tech-savvy audience who are famous for downloading all of their entertainment for free, you don’t give your product away for free. Then again, free comics!
9. Race Your Mouse Around The Icons Day (August 28th)
Ever been bored and just raced your mouse cursor around all the icons on your desktop? Remember how fun those 18 seconds were, before you realized that there are far better ways to play with yourself on a computer? Well apparently you’re supposed to do that mouse thing every year, because nothing makes you seem more likely to be a serial killer than ritualistically making your mouse draw out a pentagram.
8. Stress Awareness Day (November 7th)
Stress is a huge problem for society. Millions of people suffer from it, adverts and seminars ingrain it into us daily, and it’s featured in hundreds of movies and TV shows. So having an entire day dedicated to raising awareness of it is kinda like telling people they have a nose. They already know this, and mentioning it again is only going to make them feel on edge. Plus, if you’re dealing with a bunch of really stressed people, the last thing you want to do is tell them they all have to do exactly one thing on a specific day, regardless of what other plans they may have. Come on guys, get your act together.
7. National Tequila Day (July 24th)
The thing about National Tequila Day is that it shouldn’t be a day. It should be two! If you’re being asked to cram as much cactus nectar down your gullet as humanly possible in a single day, you’re going to need the entire following day to recover. Or clean your toilet, depending how many jumbo burritos you chase it down with.
6. National Yarn Bombing Day (June 11th)
Yarn bombing is 50% street art, 50% graffiti and 100% adorable. It’s impossible to look at a tree with tiny little yarn booties and not have your soul go “awwww,” without being hopelessly dead inside. Despite how cute it is though, yarn bombing is technically illegal and, as with most things illegal, it’s never a good idea to advertise when you’re going to be do it. Then take photos of said illegal acts and post them on Facebook. Then again, screw the law. Everything needs little yarn booties. EVERYTHING!
5. National Trivia Day (January 4th)
“Did you know that January 4th is National Trivia Day?” That’s the exact joke every freakin’ news outlet uses on January 4th, proving that the people who write for the news suck at writing jokes. The thing is though, trivia is basically a bite-size chunk of knowledge, and why should knowledge be limited to one day? Hell we give you 10 cool things to learn every single day because, deep down, we know trivia is too awesome to ration out like that.
4. National Doodle Day (May 10th)
Everyone doodles, and if someone says they don’t, punch them right in the face and scream harshly at them. It won’t do anything, but it’s your one chance to get a clean shot at someone’s melon. After all, no one will believe you did it, because no one will believe that somebody doesn’t doodle. Doodle Day is a day for people everywhere to unleash their inner kid, and make some kickass money for charity. Plus, it gives you a chance to see how well your favorite celebrities can draw. Spoiler alert: not very well.
3. Potato Awareness Days (January 26th and 27th)
So wait, tequila only gets one day, but potatoes get TWO? Yes, a bunch of brown ground apples, that are only good when fried in oil or squeezed into vodka, get two whole days of appreciation. But the best part is: if you click the link above, you’re informed that “you’ve just missed” Potato Day, in glorious comic sans. Clicking it today means you missed it by a mere 333 days. Damn it, so close!
2. National Junk Food Day (July 21st)
Days with things dedicated to them usually serve some sort of purpose, either to raise awareness, money or both. Then you have National Junk Food Day, which is about celebrating all things artery-clogging and coronary-causing. Although you may think celebrating eating unhealthy food, in the middle of an obesity crisis, is in poor taste, you’re thinking exactly like Russia, you commie! Which is tantamount to punching an eagle with boxing gloves that were made in China.
1. No Pants Day (May 4th)
Started as a way for students to celebrate the end of term, No Pants Day has spread faster than the plague in a cheap hotel. It’s now celebrated across the globe, as well as being repackaged as the now-infamous Improv Everywhere stunt “No Pants Subway Ride.” Not bad for a day when you risk being a branded a sexual deviant if you bend over too far. Rock on, you crazy diamonds.