Many of us buy heartwarming gifts for our loved ones, but why should we always be so serious and mature with our gift giving habits? Why not be like the guy on Family Guy who gives Peter a bag of salt-water fish instead?
Below are some downright hilarious options for those with senses of humor, or those who need to laugh. All of these items can be purchased on Amazon and eBay, among many, many other sites. because it’s never too early to plan for your next April Fool’s Day gag.
10. Baracula Action Figure
As far as we know, our President is not actually a vampire. That doesn’t stop action figures depicting him as such from being made, however. Honestly, a vampire President would be awesome, and would get stuff done. Seriously, would anyone, let alone Congress, dare challenge a day-walking vampire guarded by Secret Service agents? No way; what Baracula wants, Baracula gets.
9. Tru Blood Beverage Drink Soda
If political vampires are not your thing, maybe you fantasize about being a vampire yourself. However, you don’t want to risk getting a disease, or breaking the law by killing somebody and sucking down their actual blood. Fear not; they can make like some of the vampires on HBO’s hit television series True Blood, and drink a soda alternative to the red stuff.
8. Resident Evil T-Virus Antidote/Energy Drink
Our fascination with supernatural monstrosities goes a few letters down the alphabet beyond vampires, to include zombies. Now, just in case you happen to be infected by the Resident Evil T-Virus that turns ordinary citizens into mindless brain-eaters, fret not! Unlike in the games, the antidote is in a nice, convenient energy drink form, and is readily available online. It’s probably a good idea to stock up before the zombie outbreak, just in case.
7. Dead Rising 2: Zombrex Edition
Now, you may be saying that not all zombies are caused by the T-Virus. Well, the Zombrex Edition of Dead Rising 2 has you covered. This special collector’s edition game comes with a syringe of Zombrex, and a nice band-aid, too. You can learn more about Zombrex from other inserts that come with the game.
6. Zombie Apocalypse Survival Kit In A Sardine Can
And again with the zombies! It’s like they’re a popular trend or something. Well, if you can survive the infection from at least the video game type of zombies, you probably need more than just antidotes. One inexpensive item is a nice survival kit, for those on the move and traveling light during the Zombie Apocalypse. It’s in a sardine can, because why not. It beats actually sticking sardines in there, which would be both pointless AND disgusting.
5. Harcos Labs Zombie Jerky
So now you’re a zombie; should’ve stocked up on that T-Virus antidote, like we warned you. If you’re bored with the same ol’ human flesh, maybe you can try some zombie flesh. In jerky form, because it’s less overtly cannibalistic that way.
By the way, if you’re a human, and you eat zombie flesh, wouldn’t you become a zombie yourself? Or is this just the sort of thing we shouldn’t bother to rationalize? Yeah, it’s likely the latter. eat up!
4. Penis Pasta
3. Maybe You Touched Your Genitals: Blue Q Hand Sanitizer
After a delicious bowl of Penis Pasta, you’ll need to wash your hands. But not just any old sanitizer will do; no, you need Maybe You Touched Your Genitals, the only hand sanitizer proven to work against the gunk and funk that comes from touching the naughty bits of either gender. Also, if you check the link, you can not only buy some of this, but you will see that they come in all sorts of labels, each with varying degrees of hilarity and offensiveness.
2. Public Toilet Survival Kit
We value cleanliness here at TopTenz, so we actually hesitated to call this one a gag gift at first. We’ve all seen the horror that is a public restroom in our time, right? But have no fear, because the same (incredibly diverse) company that makes Jane Austen action figures has you covered. They also have the toilet seat covered, which should hopefully put your mind at ease next time you walk into a Burger King and realize they haven’t been treating their throne well at all.
1. Blue Q Chewing Gum
And, of course, if anyone actually gives you a hard time about any of these gifts, you can always offer them a pack of Shut The Hell Up Gum. And if they still don’t get the point, feel free to whap them over the head with your sardine can zombie kit. Then take back the gum, because it’s legit gum and you deserve fresh breath more than they do.
By Dr. Matthew D. Zarzeczny, author of Meteors That Enlighten the Earth