The world is a big ol’ place, populated by billions of people and thousands of cultures. It’s not anyone’s place to judge them, no matter how strange or disgusting some of them might seem to you. Yes, some Asian cultures eat dogs and cats. Get over it. Yes, in certain parts of Africa people regularly eat snake meat. Stop judging them!
That being said…I’m almost certain that if I go to Hell (and I probably will), what will await me there are these 10 torture-dishes from around the world (along with, you know, actual torture):
10. Satan’s Ashes Curry
Let me be very clear that I absolutely love spicy food, but I also have this unwritten rule (carved into a huge boulder behind my house) that I will never try anything that can only be described as tasting “like pain.”
Speaking of which – Satan’s Ashes Curry. Lauded as the world’s most spicy curry mixing the infamous Dorset Naga, Naga Morich and Bhut Jolokia) peppers (the latter clocking in at over 1,000,000 Scoville units of hotness), the dish might very well be renamed The Reverse Volcano Curry, if you catch my drift. According to a man who actually managed to eat a plate of Satan’s Ashes Curry, the dish burns with the power and hatred of 1000 suns—with whose wives you have slept—from the very first bite with no intention of ever stopping.
It’s little surprise that the same man later confessed to almost passing out from the pain while on the toilet.
9. St. Elmo Steak House’s Shrimp Cocktail
We aren’t done with colon-annihilating dishes yet, but who would have thought that the next contender for the title of hottest food ever would come from INDIANA of all places? Well, it has. The St. Elmo Steak House’s shrimp cocktail has been called the spiciest dish in the world, a feat all the more impressive considering that it doesn’t use a single pepper.
Its cause is helped by being made more from horseradish than actual shrimps. Twenty pounds of fresh grated horseradish to be exact, enough to propel a typical human being to Mach 30 by causing fire to shoot out of every orifice in your body. I’m hearing that the Pentagon is looking into the possibility of weaponizing the dish, but is meeting opposition from people quoting the Geneva Convention.
8. Monkey Brain
To this day there is no conclusive evidence if monkey brain was ever a real food anywhere in the world but…well, yeah, of course it was. How hard it would be to kill a monkey and eat its brain? I can say with 100% certainty that somewhere, at some point in history, someone took a monkey and ate its brain. Whether that person had black, dead eyes and could only speak in “screams of cursed toddlers” is up for debate, but the point is that the dish definitely does exist.
I should probably just put it out there that, if you are ever offered monkey brain, it would probably be wise to refuse it. Not because it’s gross and wrong, even though it is, but because it might unfortunately lead to Mad Monkey Disease, which to my total surprise is apparently a real thing.
Ikizukuri comes from Japan. That’s really all the explanation you need for the horrors that follow:
At its core, Ikizukuri is simply raw fish. Even the name literally means “prepared alive.” But unlike sashimi, Ikizukuri requires the chef to cut up the fish and serve you its soft, butchered body parts while the fish is still alive. On your plate! No, seriously, the dish is actually an alive, slowly dying fish (with its eyes moving and its gills grasping for air), surrounded by its sliced flesh. On your plate. I feel like I can’t emphasize that point enough.
One Japanese restaurant even offers to cut up the fish and serve you its meat in such a way that will leave the fish alive for hours. And to prove it, they will put it in the tank and let it swim with ONE SIDE OF ITS SKELETON COMPLETELY EXPOSED.
You can watch it in the video in the source but…don’t say I didn’t warn you.
6. Heart Attack Grill’s Quadruple Bypass Burger
The Heart Attack Grill restaurant is the only reason aliens will ever need to wipe us off the face of the planet. A restaurant openly promoting how unhealthy its menu is (and it is, considering that some of their food is fried in pure lard) would be like Toyota rolling out a car named “The Head-on Collision.”
Among HAG’s menu items which give me small chest pains just by looking at them, a single monstrosity stands out: the Quadruple Bypass Burger. Four thick 0.5 pound patties, bacon and cheese, so tall that even a python would break its jaw on it. And, in what I assume was a risky but bold promotional stunt, one of the restaurant’s customers decided to prove that the burger’s name isn’t just for show by actually getting a heart attack while eating the damned thing.
Oh sorry, that’s wrong. The customer who got the heart attack was only eating a TRIPLE Bypass Burger. Whew, good to know that the Quadruple one is still safe.
5. Casu Marzu
Cheese is a wonderful invention when you think about it. Basically, it’s milk fermented to a degree that causes it to become delicious (more so when sliced and placed on a hamburger), but not enough to make it unfit for human consumption. The Casu Marzu cheese, on the other hand, laughs at such limitations even though it really, really shouldn’t.
Casu Marzu is a soft, putrid, totally-decomposed-from-where-I-am-standing cheese that is the final product of cheese fly larvae activity. Yes, the cheese is made by letting a bunch of flies have sex and birth their disgusting babies inside it. And then people want to eat it.
Unsurprisingly, the cheese is banned almost everywhere in the world, but you have to wonder. What place on Earth values their and other people’s lives so little to produce a thing like Casu Marzu? What nation would be this hardcore? Is it some small village in Siberia populated only be ex-Spetsnaz soldiers, or maybe an entirely new breed of humans which emerged from the volcanic bellows of Hawaii?
What? It’s from Sardinia? No, that can’t be right. Huh…mental note: never, EVER piss off a Sardinian.
4. Century Egg
Since we are already on the topic of cheese, it’s good to mention that many other foods acquire a richer taste as they age. Wine would be a good example. But very rarely on a list of such foods would you ever find eggs…unless you’re in China.
Say hello to the Chinese century egg, made by preserving it in a husk of clay, ash or lime for several weeks or even months. This process breaks down some of the compounds of the egg and pickles it from the inside out in a very unique way, also turning it greenish-black. The process is actually quite sophisticated, as it ferments the eggs but does not spoil it, which is of course akin to praising someone for skillfully learning to drive a car using only their chest hair.
According to some account, the century egg is so pungent that the smell alone could knock out an 18th century dung farmer.
If you want to see pictures of this abomination (which are sad beyond belief), you’ll have to click the source below. For the sake of this article’s sanity, however, we’ll stick with fluffy bunny rabbits.
Now then. We’re still in the domain of weird eggs, this one coming from the Philippines.
The recipe for Balut is as simple as it is cruel and insane. First, you take a standard fertilized duck egg, then you let the little baby duck inside grow safely in the shell, all tra-la-la-dee without a care in the world. Then, when the fetus is sorta formed but not completely, you boil the “egg” alive and eat it because to Hell with ducks, that’s why! What’s this feeling when you want to both cry and throw up in your mouth at the same time? Someone should really invent a name for it, like “cromit” (cry + vomit) or weerl (weep + hurl).
2. Raw Blood Soup
Did I say that the recipe for Balut was simple? Well it has nothing on the traditional Vietnamese dish of Tiet Canh. Check it out: take duck blood, add duck meat plus spices, then eat. Alright, alright, the actual process is sometimes more complicated than that but, once your main ingredient is raw blood, all the other stuff about the dish kinda stops being important. On the other hand, forcing your significant other to sit down to a plateful of Tiet Canh might finally get them a) off that whole Twilight craze, and b) to give you that divorce you wanted.
As with Balut, TopTenz wishes to save you thousands of dollars on therapy bills by not showing any actual pictures. Instead, you get Batman.
So, apparently some people in Asia, especially in one village in Thailand, like to eat bats. Guys, really; if you want to commit suicide this much, there are easier ways than trying to make Ol’ Bats up here break his no-killing cardinal rule for you.
The Thai Bat is prepared thusly: first you kill the bats by plunging them into boiling water while alive. Then the bats are skinned, grilled and chopped up into a fine paste with herbs, though they can very well be eaten whole. For a more visual and way more traumatizing look at eating bats, check out the video in the source. Then go find a fun new hobby to fill those late-night hours which you used to pass with wonderful, blissful sleep.